Just pulled these comments off of Bubes post.

I know she's not ugly all of the time but she obviously does it enough that they are afraid of her on bad days and only dread her on good days

So, we learned to spend a lot of time "reading the signs" - doing our damndest to not do or say anything that would instigate an occurance.

The unpredictability (and these things only occurred a few times a year) - meant that we were on guard all the time. Ever watching, ever stressing.


We are all conflict avoiders - if you're already in constant conflict, who wants to actively volunteer for more?

I have discovered that we all deal with a strong sense of dis-empowerment with little ability to impact our own life in any meaningful way.

All of these parts of statements could easily discribe the dynamics in my relationship. Of how I feel and why I move so cautiously around my H.

Now I also realize this is not only about my H. But over the years as my H has became more like my step father my reactions to my step fathers behavior has become my reactions to my H's simular behavior (darn FOO).
I have no great love for my step father/adoptive father don't know if I have any love for him. He made growing up hell. And as we know I have him pegged as one of my demons that dwell in my basement. At 41 years old when I walk into his house I still fell like I am 12 and powerless to his behavior/moods and avoid him like the plauge. If my mom was to die before him I doubt I would have any contact with him ever again.

So simular behaviors in my H elicite simular responses in me. Hence my feeling of entrapment by my H's behavior.
Do I fear my H physically every day no. Only if I step to far over the boundries. Do I fear my H emotionally every day. I would say I am always on my gaurd trying to avoid days where I need to. This always looking over my shoulder mentallity keeps me from feeling safe from him. And even with the recent changes in my H's behavior I cannot stop myself from feeling the need to always be prepared and avoid anything that sets him off. And that is something I do not know if will ever change within our relationship. Regaurdless of how much effort my husband puts into changing these behaviors. That is why I am now questioning if there is to much water under the bridge if there is to much damage already been done to turn things around.