I think I am a little confused about this emeshed thing. Does everything I feel and want revolve around my H in my mind. No but most actions I take I do first consider what is going to be the reaction and what [censored] I or my kids will have to endure via his moods and such. A lot of times what we would have to endure is not worth what I would gain. So I do nothing. Is that ememshment? Not sure when the only reason I consider his response is for mine and the kids personal comfort not for reasons of it really matters to me what he would think. Again as I stated to Gel I think I am past the point of no return I think it is all so tainted that I am starting to believe there is to much water under the bridge to ever make it right.
Stop this enabling dynamic the two of you clearly have. You need to find Chrissy, the individual, yet whole person.
Ah see this is where I am having issues. Chrissy the individual is not allowed in the marriage. Her being there iw what started this whole insecurity war with my H. H feels when two people are married that is it they are to be all that the other needs to be each others worlds. Letting no one else in. No friends no family ect they are intruders and unwelcomed. But Chrissy as a whole person needs friends and family and others outside of our relationship as much as she needs her H, But my H disagrees with this and it causes huge fights. Circular motion ah yet again
You can do it on your own Chrissy
Not a doubt in my mind about that. I just have no reason to right now. It is not worth the fights with the H not for me and not for my kids to see. Easier to live in this hollow shell of a person and in this hollow relationship. Until now. Now I don't want to anymore but am struggling to find a way to start moving without it causing to much grief for all.
I could have curled up in a little ball in bed when he left but I didn't
I have been curled up in a ball in bed for the last two years. I really believe and what I was trying to say with the push statement is that I feel if he truely left for a while I would climb out of this fetal position and start living again. I do not feel able to do so in his presence. I do not feel safe to be a person in his presence. And I have adapted the opinion if I cannot be myself I will be no one I am no one. Not a healthy thought process I know. I am coming to realize of late that I feel like a failure because I cannot give him what he wants. All this emotional stuff is not my cup of tea and the more I feel like a failure the more I detach from everything making me feel more inept and more like a failure. Again it is circular actions and responses.
Right now you are becoming your own worst enemy,
I became my own worse enemy years ago when I started waiving that white flag just to not have to deal with anymore fighting. I laid down my pride and self respect and let myself be defeated.
