Also when thinking about if my H was to leave I realized it might just be the push I need to overcome this depression by forcing me out of my comfort zone. His being her and our problems enable my depression to breed/feed and me to surcome to it. You are way too enmeshed with your H. Codependent. You rely on him to let you know what is going to happen in your life, what feelings you will have, what behaviors you will act out. If he does A I can do B. Stop this enabling dynamic the two of you clearly have. You need to find Chrissy, the individual, yet whole person. And you know what? I could totally relate to what you wrote. It wasn't until after H left that I figured most of that out though. So you are correct, if your H leaves that may provide the "push" you need. But why wait for the push? You can do it on your own Chrissy. I tell myself I was forced to make changes but that's not true. I still chose to make them and you can do the same thing. I could have curled up in a little ball in bed when he left but I didn't (after the first few days anyways). I made up my mind to live my life the way I deserved to live it. Got a job I like, started working out regularly, just taking care of myself better, mentally and physically. And I am still doing it with H back in the picture. I have not reverted back to my old ways. So it can be done even in a R that was once enmeshed (like ours). Make a decision Chrissy. If you stay in the M or not, make the decision to take care of yourself, either way. Right now you are becoming your own worst enemy, and that has nothing to do with your H.
