Both me and the MC suggested this before. H was very addiment that it would not be happening. Matter of fact it was the one time he got close to really losing his temper in the MC office and walked out in a rage.
H and I have been having discussions about the differnce of how we precieve things in our relationship this week.
First as we all no H had a problem with the fact I was marking a calender so I meet a basic number of times per month. So this month I have not. We have already back slided on the arguing issue of we never have sex. Even though the first argument on this happened the night after we had had sex two nights in a row. And I do not have my back up to show him he is inaccurate in his statement. So next month back to marking it down.
We have even broached the subject of the fact what we get out of sex is two different things. And that I do not derive any form of EC from the act just physical release at times. But that I continue to have sex with him to give him what he needs. The conversations just go in circular motion always ending in what I lack. Never in what our relationship lacks to make the comming together more then just a physical thing on my part. His solution is that I need to go to the doctors and get something that will make me horny for him. My solution is we need to work on what is lacking to allow me to be horny for him. A pill though may make me horny will not improve anything other then physically. It will not give me anything emotionally or allow me to build any emotional meaning to the act. Again subject deadends.
And no I dont think Richie sees that past behavior on both of our parts has lasting effects. Past behavior of my EA-A thing yes but not his behavior. He has worked on changing his behavior so all else is water under the bridge. No longer should be a issue.
I have come to a place where I see that since this is my H's only long term relationship or real relationship he has been in that all of what our relationship is seems the norm to him. He has never experienced anything different. I think that in part is a stumbling block for him he cannot see the forest through the trees because he has never seen the forest and is not even aware it is there. And though I can understand this it also makes me feel powerless to motivate him to understand how lacking our relationship is.
He has never had a relationship where you are best friends and lovers and talk and share and all the things I long for. Hence he does not understand my longing for this things or what I mean by we are not these things. And without the experience our shallow relationship seems fine to him and lacks nothing but my want to have sex with him. Again circular getting no where and leading to frustration.
Gel honestly I am tired. I think that is obvious to all. I am tired of always looking for ways to make this work and for ways to come to understanding and excepting things as they are that I have no power to change if H does not see them as problems or understand the problems I have with things. I have been trying to find and establish any form of EC that I can with H from sex to snuggling in bed ect. Nothing is working. When he can wrap his arms around me and I still feel so totally alone that I could cry I get frustrated because I just cannot seem to find a way to make it the way it should be. And it makes me feel terrible about myself and terrible for him.
I am doing more then sitting her whining. I am bringing these issues up with H and trying to establish a door way of communication between us. But instead of bringing us closer it is pushing us further away in my opinion.
