I just the other day discovered that while I was in Ohio that the H was looking for apartments. Not sure how to describe how I feel about this. I am not angry more relieved. I am not panicing though I did give thought to hmmm why does it look like I am getting stuck with this house and mortgage.
I have not mentioned to my H that I know he was/appeared to be calling about apartments. I am waitting for him to broach it. Maybe because a part of me thinks this may just be another one of his ploys. since he left the evidence somewhere I would or could find it. Of course S15 overheard me talking to my mom about it and reassuring her I am okay with it so H may become aware that I know anyhow with out me bringing it up.
Your H has been coding you for quite a while now. You have made efforts that I can see as you being direct and honest with your H. For a minute or two.
Ditto for him. What you seek from him, he also wants from you. IMO.
If you want this M to be over then end it. If you want to sabotage your M like I did mine, the first time, then keep on keeping on.
I still dont see your H as 'the bad guy'. I think you have the skills to make this M healthier.
why does it look like I am getting stuck with this house and mortgage. another perspective would be I care for her and the kids. Im not going to kick her out. I cant figure out how to fix this. She doesnt hear me. So Ill go.
Game no not seeing this as a game. And in truth I don't know where I want to be anymore. If H moves out that does not have to mean the end. It can be a means for a new begining. Space to resolve issues or many other things.
I still dont see your H as 'the bad guy'.
Just because I have issues with my H I also do not see him as the bad guy. Well there are days I do. But for the most part I just seem him as someone very different then myself.
I think you have the skills to make this M healthier.
I don't know if I do or not. Just as I do not know if I have the drive to anymore. It seems like one of those cheeseless tunnels in some ways. And like a path to a garden in others.
The crossroads is getting closer.
That does not scare me. I rather look forward to it. Better then this endless blackhole I feel I have been in for years
You're giving me flashbacks with this apartment issue Chrissy. The main difference being, you don't seem all that upset by it. I'm sure that's not how you really feel, more doing it for mental self-protection. Or, you are happy he is doing the dirty work. This is easier than making some decisions yourself? Talk to him about all of this. Don't just sit back and let him drive this M.
I am not upset at all about the apartment. I guess its like when your in a really hot room and someone offers to open the window so you can get fresh air. You don't care you might get cold as long as you can breath. Also I really don't believe he has intent the more I think about it. I found evidence of his looking while I was gone which was almost a month ago. Nothing since. I think it was more a staged find for manipulation and reaction.
And yeah I am happy he is doing it. And it does take away from some of the issues of making the decision myself. If the shoe was on the other foot around here and it was me thinking about leaving there would be hell to pay.
I have felt trapped into having to stay for a long time by his anger. This seems like someone is unlocking my cage in a way and giving me the option to stay or go.
Just from reading your last few posts in response to others about the apartment....it appears to me that no, you aren't frightened by the prospect, you are relieved by it.
I agree with others though that have told you....to talk to him about this. I know you don't view this as a game Chrissy....but the dynamic between your and your H is one of cat and mouse, it is a game. You may not see that though because well, you're in the middle of it.
IMPO...I'd ask him about what you found. Do you want him finding out from your S that you know about it and then have him wondering why you are talking to other people about this and not him? Or would you rather him hear it directly from you that you found evidence he'd been looking? DO NOT leave this for your son to tell him. I'm not saying you are doing that intentionally or anything, but the last thing your kids need to be doing is acting as messenger (intentionally or unintentionally). You mentioned your S overhearing your conversation, that's why I bring this up. You are aware your S overheard you....and you know your S may say something to Dad.....take your kids out of the equation and bring it up yourself.
I am sorry to hear about your weekend. ((Chrissy)) I went back and re-read your posts on this thread. Can I ask you a question? What is keeping you in this R?
Quote: I found evidence of his looking while I was gone which was almost a month ago. Nothing since. I think it was more a staged find for manipulation and reaction.
The other night when H said that your depression makes him want to leave and now this with the apartments, could it be possible that he does want to leave but doesn't want to be the person to end it? Is he trying to get you all worked up (like finding the apartment info "accidently") so that you will just say fine, we're done?
Quote: And yeah I am happy he is doing it. And it does take away from some of the issues of making the decision myself.
Okay, so I am giving advice that I perhaps need to take myself, BUT, do you want this to end? You said earlier that you weren't sure if you could/wanted to make this R work. It is normal, IMO, to want the easy out and wait for him to give you a reason to end things. You seem like a very strong woman, very intellegent, and fully capable of being on your own.
Quote: If the shoe was on the other foot around here and it was me thinking about leaving there would be hell to pay.
This scared me a little bit. Why can't you leave? Are you scared to leave? Are you safe with him?
Quote: I have felt trapped into having to stay for a long time by his anger. This seems like someone is unlocking my cage in a way and giving me the option to stay or go.
You always have the option. Your posts the last couple times really scare me. I think it is great that you are out looking for a job. One that give you medical benefits would be great. You can seek IC and meds on your own. You know, don't wait for him to sympathize with your feelings so that you feel justified going to get help. Do this for yourself and for your kids.
Good luck with the job hunt and keep me posted. Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
I did address this with H last night. H says that the paper was in his old gym bag and it was from a couple years ago when I was trying to leave him. And since I had pitched it well hmmm cannot verify that or not. Seems odd but what is not odd in my life lol.
Nicky am I safe from my H yes at most times. In the past when I have tried to end our relationship or even seek space to sort things out in my head my H becomes abusive. And my H is very controlling and manipulative for the norm. So while I do not fear him most times I never can totally let my guard down around him. Which tends to spill over into not being able to really ever allow myself to become emotionally attached/open with him. This is the part I am struggling with right now even though the verbally abusive behavior in him has all but vanished of late. I cannot bring myself to get over all the feelings it has caused in the past and trust him or feel safe with him or get over my ill feelings towards him. I am always waitting for that other shoe to drop.
Hence my being so open to him making the move to leave. If we had a little space between us who knows maybe I would not feel so under the gun. And be able to see him in a different light which would allow us to change the dynamics of this relationship if we were to reconcile.
I think you just wrote something I think you need to actually say to your H...."If we had a little space between us who knows maybe I would not feel so under the gun. And be able to see him in a different light which would allow us to change the dynamics of this relationship."
He knows what he's done in the past with his behavior, I can't imagine that he doesn't also know that behavior like that prohibits you from opening up to him emotionally. So, if you think it would be a good thing for your R potentially, and you think you could use that space....perhaps even productively for the two of you....why not suggest it?
I know there's a good chance he'll fly off the handle about it, beeeelieve me I realize that. But I wonder if you approach it with the reasoning of "we aren't breaking up, but we need to take a step back to rebuild...or even just build up our relationship to make it better." if he'd take that better. I mean lets face it....there are many couples that do benefit from separation. It can give both people a chance to #1 miss the other, and #2 appreciate that other person more for what they did bring to the R. Then of course it could also answer that question of...."am I better off without this person in my life?"
Both me and the MC suggested this before. H was very addiment that it would not be happening. Matter of fact it was the one time he got close to really losing his temper in the MC office and walked out in a rage.
H and I have been having discussions about the differnce of how we precieve things in our relationship this week.
First as we all no H had a problem with the fact I was marking a calender so I meet a basic number of times per month. So this month I have not. We have already back slided on the arguing issue of we never have sex. Even though the first argument on this happened the night after we had had sex two nights in a row. And I do not have my back up to show him he is inaccurate in his statement. So next month back to marking it down.
We have even broached the subject of the fact what we get out of sex is two different things. And that I do not derive any form of EC from the act just physical release at times. But that I continue to have sex with him to give him what he needs. The conversations just go in circular motion always ending in what I lack. Never in what our relationship lacks to make the comming together more then just a physical thing on my part. His solution is that I need to go to the doctors and get something that will make me horny for him. My solution is we need to work on what is lacking to allow me to be horny for him. A pill though may make me horny will not improve anything other then physically. It will not give me anything emotionally or allow me to build any emotional meaning to the act. Again subject deadends.
And no I dont think Richie sees that past behavior on both of our parts has lasting effects. Past behavior of my EA-A thing yes but not his behavior. He has worked on changing his behavior so all else is water under the bridge. No longer should be a issue.
I have come to a place where I see that since this is my H's only long term relationship or real relationship he has been in that all of what our relationship is seems the norm to him. He has never experienced anything different. I think that in part is a stumbling block for him he cannot see the forest through the trees because he has never seen the forest and is not even aware it is there. And though I can understand this it also makes me feel powerless to motivate him to understand how lacking our relationship is.
He has never had a relationship where you are best friends and lovers and talk and share and all the things I long for. Hence he does not understand my longing for this things or what I mean by we are not these things. And without the experience our shallow relationship seems fine to him and lacks nothing but my want to have sex with him. Again circular getting no where and leading to frustration.
Gel honestly I am tired. I think that is obvious to all. I am tired of always looking for ways to make this work and for ways to come to understanding and excepting things as they are that I have no power to change if H does not see them as problems or understand the problems I have with things. I have been trying to find and establish any form of EC that I can with H from sex to snuggling in bed ect. Nothing is working. When he can wrap his arms around me and I still feel so totally alone that I could cry I get frustrated because I just cannot seem to find a way to make it the way it should be. And it makes me feel terrible about myself and terrible for him.
I am doing more then sitting her whining. I am bringing these issues up with H and trying to establish a door way of communication between us. But instead of bringing us closer it is pushing us further away in my opinion.
