Keep hanging in there. You'll make it. And I'm glad you're expressing yourself on the BB and not bottling up your feelings of emptiness. That's healthy. I'm guessing you do a lot of stuffing around the house since it seems like you are often unable to feel validated through your verbals to H.
As you know, since PT is his huge LL, he tunes out and becomes fixated in a one track pursuit while you try and convey important issues to him. Fog. Don't take it as an invalidation of your expressions but rather as his ears being blocked by his craving for PT--especially the closer he is to you.
You express yourself beautifully on SSM. So I have a question. Have you ever put pen to paper/fingers to keyboard and expressed what you feel to H? And not complaints as such, just how you feel, hopes, concerns etc.?
You are desperately trying to communicate with him and your verbals are floating away, not being received (esp. the closer you are to H physically) Perhaps distance achieved by letter (handwritten is always more feelings-intensive btw) might cause him to focus and allow some things to start to sink in.
Somehow he needs to get the message. Not understanding your tears now may lead to his own tears later I fear. And as we discussed before in your 6 month review thread, his inner disliking of self causes him to rely on you for his happiness. Yeah. It sucks. You shouldn't have to be responsible for his happiness and vice versa.
That's why you expressing your emptiness etc. puts him in really unhappy wanting to leave mode. Because he relies on you to make him happy. If he were in a good place and positive about himself he would be dwelling a lot less on himself and more on finding out why you're unhappy. His sensitivity chip is on the fritz at the moment and he can't see the forest for the trees.
Yes, I believe you're depressed, as am I at the moment. And not having outside friends worries me. Only makes you feel more confined/trapped. Maybe an idea. If he's the type to go nuts over you socializing with others maybe you can go to a local church and volunteer? Like packing meals for the homeless or disadvantaged etc. or other activities?
Or, better yet, go to the local senior center or nursing home and volunteer; play cards with the elderly blah blah. I used to hang out in a senior center and BS with the old guys/girls and crack jokes or play cards a time or two. There definitely is such a thing as wisdom from experience from what I've learned through talking with them.
Some of them have zero family and are extremely lonely; hurt their own families don't give them the time of day anymore. H can't possibly be jealous over something like that. And it will get you out, socializing, and make you feel pretty good about cheering someone else up.
Don't worry about breaking the ice. Just ask one of the managers...most folks just come and go as they please if it's a senior center.
If you're worried about the unknown doctor bills and prescription coverage etc. maybe you might want to consider taking SJWort as I will be doing very soon. After 2 weeks or so on it I'll let you know if I think it's making a difference. A 2 month supply is only around $15 plus around $4 for shipping at vitacost.com. CVS and most pharmacies have it too but not sure of the quality and can't remember the price. Have to watch out for that (ingredients need to b "standardized" to a percentage, as I've mentioned before)
But if you really feel down to the point of feeling paralyzed etc then do go see a specialist. Worry about the cost/coverage later. Your well being is way more important than bills.
Try to eat regularly and not heavy or over processed foods so as to keep your blood sugar regulated; get sunlight and break a sweat with exercise for at least 30 min. every other day if not more often. These are all things I need to be observing as well BTW.
Not sure how the job thing is going but if that's still an option the regular schedule of work hours will help distract you for the better and keep you moving. Believe me, I know how tempting it is to just want to disappear into the couch until your mood lifts.
And keep journaling here or at home to express your feelings. If you feel like crying, go ahead and do it. Screaming, do it in your pillow or drive to an isolated spot and let it rip. If you don't dam them up and express them the next time they come back to visit you, they won't have the same force...since you already let them go once and have dealt with them and know what to expect.
Sorry about the bad convo earlier. Forgive his fog for now and concentrate on cleaning out your own cobwebs and clearing your mind of all the worries/stress so the positive feelings can eventually flow back in. Itll all eventually pass. Like a dark cloud.
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
RE chrissy I told him that even with him lying there holding me it was like I was all alone. He said he did not understand I told him I know and there within lies the problem.
Chrissy, sorry you are feeling this way. I try to imagine how the type of things affect you. It realls sounds sad and I am sorry I can't do more than offer a little cyber understanding. If I (and others here) could be that little man standing on his shoulder, telling him what to do, I would. That only happens in books/words, dreams, and movies.
Please keep posting what you feel. The good and the bad.
About your son and sex and turning that around to the real issue, not that sex is bad but that he needs to wait. Yes girls do get PG and he needs to wait until he can physically and emotionally support a wife and baby.
As a young male, I never got it why some guys would want to accidently make a baby but not support it.
I suppose some guys only think sex is just what they get from the experience of intercourse. It takes maturity to realise that sex is much more comlpicated than hormonal drives.
I may have a different take on sex but have almost always thought, if I were the accidental baby, would I want this woman to be my mother, this guy to be my dad, are the ready now to be parents. If no to any of the above, sex was too risky. Did I stick to this? Not 100%.
You might tell my thoughts (in your way) to your son to help him see the seriousness of sexual relationships. He is going to form his own opinion from the things he hears, reads, sees, and experiences.
I know most parents want the best for their kids so I wrote the above. I wish I had some advice or words to help you to advance your feelings about your H's hands on the crotch and breast to some resolution that you would feel better with. Right now the kid stuff is all I have.
You express yourself beautifully on SSM. So I have a question. Have you ever put pen to paper/fingers to keyboard and expressed what you feel to H? And not complaints as such, just how you feel, hopes, concerns etc.?
First thank you for the compliment. Second yes I have. It has been awhile but since I have always been more comfortable to write then say how I feel when it comes to emotional stuff (I have always wrote poetry journals ect). I use to write him notes/letters so he could read and reread it in hopes he could diguest some of what I was meaning. Even written words were able to be twisted and pulled out of context so I gave up. My journals my poetry and even the basic format of a book I was going to write are all gone now. They all seemly just up and disappeared about two/three years ago. So other then here everything pretty much stays in my head now days.
Not understanding your tears now may lead to his own tears later I fear.
I believe you are right. I use to do everything in year blocks. Making plans budgets goals ect. For about the last 9 months I have only been doing them in 3 month blocks. The re-evaluating from there. This 3 month block ends in May. And if I am still in this frame of mind and at this place in my relationship I really believe I will be at ready to just say enough I can't do this any more nor do I want to. I cannot keep standing still hoping and praying as my life wanes away. Does it have to be a permenant leave no but maybe time apart to sort our selfs out would do us some good. More a controlled seperation.
Yes, I believe you're depressed,
I take anti-depressants. But as we all know a pill is not gonna change what is. I have been fighting this for years. I just don't think I have been open to see how depressed I am and the effect it is having all around on my well being until recently. Some times I almost feel bi-polar in my moods.
Not sure how the job thing is going
Just had my resume updated Friday. And plan to put my azz to it Monday. If nothing wonderful pans out by EOM then the farm/market I worked at for a short period of time will be opening back up for tours begining of April and I already know they want to me to come back. It will give me something to do until I can find something that pays well more in my line of work. And truthfully I enjoyed working with the public and kids the 6 weeks I was there.
If you don't dam them up and express them the next time they come back to visit you, they won't have the same force...
Yeah I am trying real hard to acknowledge and embrace these emotions instead of stuffing them. It is all so new to me. Maybe some of the illogical circle my thought process has been running of late. I do appreciate the fact you all are hanging with me on this one. As I go from one end of the spectrum to the other.
Last night was a really odd night for me.(going into a different subject here).
I literally lost 5 teenage boys. I dropped them off at the skate park was to pick them up at 11:30 yeah they were not there drove around looking for them until 12:15 then drove back home in hopes they called if something had happened. At 1:00 near hysteria and urge to beat the [censored] out of all of them I was knocking on the door of the lady H had one of his EA's with since her son was amongst the 5 and had a cell with him and I lacked the number. This is the first time I had ever seen her or talked to her since I came back a year and a half ago. (She avoided me and H not that I had any real issue with her concerning my H.) And the first thing I could say was I have a problem I seem to have lost 5 boys one of them being yours. We talked casually for about 15 minutes after we located the kids. About her new boyfriend about her ex and his abusive behavior and drug addiction and some about my H and then I went home. It was wierd not good not bad just wierd to just talk to someone like that I was not sure if it was normal that I felt nothing different then if it were someone that had never had any inter action with my family before. Just I person I was just meeting for the first time.
Then You Want To Talk About Karma. After I got home settled my issues with my sons behavior and was getting ready for bed my phone rang.
The person on the other side of that phone stunned me. Seems they had a nagging feeling for the last week that something was wrong with me and could not get it out of there head so decided to call and check if I was all right.
Karma I will not talk about them any more from here on out.
Wierd night don't know whats up with these planets.
Personally I think you are at a crossroads. Hope there is one of those crossing guards hanging around so I don't get ran over.
Things are going to get confusing I thought they already were. You mean its gonna get worse Heck with the chocolate someone pass me some booze!
way to go. What to do.
Could you point me in the right direction?
Talk about? or to?
Talk about done finished.
The power of thought seems to generate to reality so I am not gonna think about it nor talk about it.
What ever secrets it holds it will just have to hold. Key elements be damned! enough said.
Glad you stopped by was thinking you got bored with me!
Read your post hmmm so much I could say but when your ready you will say it yourself.
Hey what do you think about that song by Nickleback Savin Me?
I have been listening to way to much Nickleback lately.
Feeling way to damn good is one right now got a sexy story to go with that song but hmmmm not sharing
For the last few weeks I have had a sickly feeling in my stomach that has become so strong that it is almost overwhelming. It has become almost like a unseen longing that is breeding almost discontentment in me. And frustration the sad part I don't know what is at the base of these feelings. In my quest to be more open to go with and embrace my emotions instead of stuffing them or not recognizing them I am becoming overwhelmed and frustrated. And let me tell you I am not enjoying it. Things that I usually do just to bid my time away mindlessly are even becoming a source of discontent.
I don't even know what anything I feel is in relationship to. I just have a sick feeling in my stomach that is growing to the point of taking over my every thought. I feel like I am ready to hurl or explode one of the two at all times it almost hurts. But I cannot pin point why. Guys this sucks to the point it makes my skin crawl.
Is this at all about my relationship that is causing these feelings in me. Dam I don't know I don't think so. Is it effecting my relationship oh yeah. It is pushing me to be heard. The only problem is I don't even know what I am trying to say.
I keep having to fight the urge to just sleep through all these feelings or run just get in my car and run. Where? Why? arrgh I don't think I like this emotional quest if I am not going to understand why or what I am feeling!
Sorry just needed to vent to say it and see if it makes more sense in writting.
I say...get thee to a therapist to help you sort this out.
My guess though is that this has A LOT to do with your R, it has A LOT to do with the fact that you feel so much is lacking in your R and you are now facing up to that....but you want to avoid it. It sounds to me (and I'm just guessing here) that you have a whole heap of anxiety attached to what you are currently trying to deal with (and not sleep through).
Deal with whatever it is that's causing this anxiety Chrissy....because you may be able to bury it temporarily, but it will not go away until it's dealt with.
I keep having to fight the urge to just sleep through all these feelings or run just get in my car and run. Where? Why? arrgh I don't think I like this emotional quest if I am not going to understand why or what I am feeling!
I agree with GEL that a therapist may be necessary to work through some of these feelings. Honestly, when I read what you wrote, it reminded me of what my H stated he was feeling around the time he left. So don't do anything rash. You are obviously depressed, but running away will not fix things. And I am going to go out on a limb and say the R/M is not the problem at all, but what is going on inside of you. How you feel about yourself as a person, where you are in life, as a person. You and your H both seem to be lost, not only to each other, but to yourselves. You look to each other to give you identity (enmeshment) yet are dissatisfied with who each of you are as individuals. So the M will never work in that state. Two broken people equates to a broken M. Fixing yourself is the first step. He will need to fix himself, however, if the M is to turn around. I hope you find some help for yourself Chrissy. You DO deserve to be happy and don't forget it.
Yes I do feel that if this continues I will need to seek some form of C again. Not that I can say any of the other ones have helped define anything or helped me define anything.
The sleeping ahhh that is what I have been doing for the last four years. I am trying to break this cycle of not dealing with my life. Today when the urge struck I made myself get dressed and go to the tanning bed and store. The vent was on my way out.
I am sure part of my issues right now are with my marriage. I know I feel ungodly alone right now. It is a feeling larger then me. But I think a large part of this growing dicontentment comes from within myself and based on my self. I am very discontent with my life and very angry at myself for allowing it to get so hollow and meaningless even to me. Maybe something good will grow out of this dicontentment maybe it will turn into a motivational factor for me. Or maybe some motivational factor is already in place and making me so discontent. Who knows but hopefully if I can stop myself from detaching from how I am currently feeling if it does not wig me out so much that I shut it all off. And I will figure it out or go nuts trying lol.
The only thing I can compare how I feel right now to as a example is. When you are really hungry and don't know what it is you want to eat but you know it is a paticular something. And every hour the desire for that food gets stronger even if you are no longer hungry.
I am feeling a longing and hunger for something from deep within but yet do not know what I am longing for. I only know every day that this frustration of not being able to figure out what it is and the desire for what ever it is. Is causing me a sickly feeling inside that I don't like. Or maybe I am just not use to it so don't know how to deal with it and it seems larger then it is.
Shutting off is so much easier then trying to define whats behind how we feel.
I agree with Gel and you that a T may end up being a option I will have to engage in.
Depressed yes I can go there I am. I have been trying to address this. I have even been trying to address this with the H. And acknowledge that I know that it is not a easy thing to deal with for either of us. And that my depression is deep has been for alteast the last 5 years. But the last year it has become disabling also. We had a talk along these lines today. It did not go anywhere but we had it.
And yes I agree that all these things I feel are not in relationsip to my H some are me probably alot are based on my own feelings towards myself. But I need to distinquish or define exactly what it is that I am so discontent with even within myself and have been for so long.
Maybe once I sort through how alone I feel in this world and the what causes those feelings the rest will fall in place. Maybe it will be a opening to discover why I am so unhappy and allow me to find something fufilling in my life. All I do know for fact right now is the emptiness I feel inside is stifflingly overwhelming right now. And I do not want to stuff it anymore nor do I think I can. It has become to large to be contained within the shell of my body.
Two broken people equates to a broken M.
Those are profound words LFL.
You DO deserve to be happy and don't forget it.
I am wondering if I even know how to be happy. Deeply happy.
I thought they already were. You mean its gonna get worse 