You express yourself beautifully on SSM. So I have a question. Have you ever put pen to paper/fingers to keyboard and expressed what you feel to H? And not complaints as such, just how you feel, hopes, concerns etc.?
First thank you for the compliment. Second yes I have. It has been awhile but since I have always been more comfortable to write then say how I feel when it comes to emotional stuff (I have always wrote poetry journals ect). I use to write him notes/letters so he could read and reread it in hopes he could diguest some of what I was meaning. Even written words were able to be twisted and pulled out of context so I gave up. My journals my poetry and even the basic format of a book I was going to write are all gone now. They all seemly just up and disappeared about two/three years ago. So other then here everything pretty much stays in my head now days.
Not understanding your tears now may lead to his own tears later I fear.
I believe you are right. I use to do everything in year blocks. Making plans budgets goals ect. For about the last 9 months I have only been doing them in 3 month blocks. The re-evaluating from there. This 3 month block ends in May. And if I am still in this frame of mind and at this place in my relationship I really believe I will be at ready to just say enough I can't do this any more nor do I want to. I cannot keep standing still hoping and praying as my life wanes away. Does it have to be a permenant leave no but maybe time apart to sort our selfs out would do us some good. More a controlled seperation.
Yes, I believe you're depressed,
I take anti-depressants. But as we all know a pill is not gonna change what is. I have been fighting this for years. I just don't think I have been open to see how depressed I am and the effect it is having all around on my well being until recently. Some times I almost feel bi-polar in my moods.
Not sure how the job thing is going
Just had my resume updated Friday. And plan to put my azz to it Monday. If nothing wonderful pans out by EOM then the farm/market I worked at for a short period of time will be opening back up for tours begining of April and I already know they want to me to come back. It will give me something to do until I can find something that pays well more in my line of work. And truthfully I enjoyed working with the public and kids the 6 weeks I was there.
If you don't dam them up and express them the next time they come back to visit you, they won't have the same force...
Yeah I am trying real hard to acknowledge and embrace these emotions instead of stuffing them. It is all so new to me. Maybe some of the illogical circle my thought process has been running of late. I do appreciate the fact you all are hanging with me on this one. As I go from one end of the spectrum to the other.
Last night was a really odd night for me.(going into a different subject here).
I literally lost 5 teenage boys. I dropped them off at the skate park was to pick them up at 11:30 yeah they were not there drove around looking for them until 12:15 then drove back home in hopes they called if something had happened. At 1:00 near hysteria and urge to beat the [censored] out of all of them I was knocking on the door of the lady H had one of his EA's with since her son was amongst the 5 and had a cell with him and I lacked the number. This is the first time I had ever seen her or talked to her since I came back a year and a half ago. (She avoided me and H not that I had any real issue with her concerning my H.) And the first thing I could say was I have a problem I seem to have lost 5 boys one of them being yours. We talked casually for about 15 minutes after we located the kids. About her new boyfriend about her ex and his abusive behavior and drug addiction and some about my H and then I went home. It was wierd not good not bad just wierd to just talk to someone like that I was not sure if it was normal that I felt nothing different then if it were someone that had never had any inter action with my family before. Just I person I was just meeting for the first time.
Then You Want To Talk About Karma. After I got home settled my issues with my sons behavior and was getting ready for bed my phone rang.
The person on the other side of that phone stunned me. Seems they had a nagging feeling for the last week that something was wrong with me and could not get it out of there head so decided to call and check if I was all right.
Karma I will not talk about them any more from here on out.
Wierd night don't know whats up with these planets.
