Old age is so sad.

[Stigmata]

Chrissy--

Keep hanging in there. You'll make it. And I'm glad you're expressing yourself on the BB and not bottling up your feelings of emptiness. That's healthy. I'm guessing you do a lot of stuffing around the house since it seems like you are often unable to feel validated through your verbals to H.

As you know, since PT is his huge LL, he tunes out and becomes fixated in a one track pursuit while you try and convey important issues to him. Fog. Don't take it as an invalidation of your expressions but rather as his ears being blocked by his craving for PT--especially the closer he is to you.

You express yourself beautifully on SSM. So I have a question. Have you ever put pen to paper/fingers to keyboard and expressed what you feel to H? And not complaints as such, just how you feel, hopes, concerns etc.?

You are desperately trying to communicate with him and your verbals are floating away, not being received (esp. the closer you are to H physically) Perhaps distance achieved by letter (handwritten is always more feelings-intensive btw) might cause him to focus and allow some things to start to sink in.

Somehow he needs to get the message. Not understanding your tears now may lead to his own tears later I fear. And as we discussed before in your 6 month review thread, his inner disliking of self causes him to rely on you for his happiness. Yeah. It sucks. You shouldn't have to be responsible for his happiness and vice versa.

That's why you expressing your emptiness etc. puts him in really unhappy wanting to leave mode. Because he relies on you to make him happy. If he were in a good place and positive about himself he would be dwelling a lot less on himself and more on finding out why you're unhappy. His sensitivity chip is on the fritz at the moment and he can't see the forest for the trees.

Yes, I believe you're depressed, as am I at the moment. And not having outside friends worries me. Only makes you feel more confined/trapped. Maybe an idea. If he's the type to go nuts over you socializing with others maybe you can go to a local church and volunteer? Like packing meals for the homeless or disadvantaged etc. or other activities?

Or, better yet, go to the local senior center or nursing home and volunteer; play cards with the elderly blah blah. I used to hang out in a senior center and BS with the old guys/girls and crack jokes or play cards a time or two. There definitely is such a thing as wisdom from experience from what I've learned through talking with them.

Some of them have zero family and are extremely lonely; hurt their own families don't give them the time of day anymore. H can't possibly be jealous over something like that. And it will get you out, socializing, and make you feel pretty good about cheering someone else up.

Don't worry about breaking the ice. Just ask one of the managers...most folks just come and go as they please if it's a senior center.

If you're worried about the unknown doctor bills and prescription coverage etc. maybe you might want to consider taking SJWort as I will be doing very soon. After 2 weeks or so on it I'll let you know if I think it's making a difference. A 2 month supply is only around $15 plus around $4 for shipping at vitacost.com. CVS and most pharmacies have it too but not sure of the quality and can't remember the price. Have to watch out for that (ingredients need to b "standardized" to a percentage, as I've mentioned before)

But if you really feel down to the point of feeling paralyzed etc then do go see a specialist. Worry about the cost/coverage later. Your well being is way more important than bills.

Try to eat regularly and not heavy or over processed foods so as to keep your blood sugar regulated; get sunlight and break a sweat with exercise for at least 30 min. every other day if not more often. These are all things I need to be observing as well BTW.

Not sure how the job thing is going but if that's still an option the regular schedule of work hours will help distract you for the better and keep you moving. Believe me, I know how tempting it is to just want to disappear into the couch until your mood lifts.

And keep journaling here or at home to express your feelings. If you feel like crying, go ahead and do it. Screaming, do it in your pillow or drive to an isolated spot and let it rip. If you don't dam them up and express them the next time they come back to visit you, they won't have the same force...since you already let them go once and have dealt with them and know what to expect.

Sorry about the bad convo earlier. Forgive his fog for now and concentrate on cleaning out your own cobwebs and clearing your mind of all the worries/stress so the positive feelings can eventually flow back in. Itll all eventually pass. Like a dark cloud.

-Stigmata-