The love I have for him has always been there it was just well hidden under the anger. I am not going to say it is a very deep love more like the way you love someone you have known most of your life.
wonderful father." That's outstanding. It wasn't that long ago when it seemed like your boy/s couldn't stand to be around him.
Very true. After I started confronting his daily tirades straight on (cussing and threatening) they have decreased. Which has allowed alot of the pent up negative emotions the kids had disperse. That has been awesome. Well at least this has been what has happened with the oldest boy and the youngest so far. The middle boy and my daughter not so much but maybe with time.
Anyway, so I can sit here and dream about what life would be like with cute dimpled cheek Debbie as gumdrops rained from the sky but it's all a hallucination and only a tiny point in time...certainly not 17 years. I assure you if you were with OM for 17 years you'd be annoyed by something he is or isn't doing. But that happens to us all. Like living with your high school friend or college roommate year after year for 17 years.
I am going to walk into the [censored] on this one. Then I am done speaking about OM.
I am not spending days hours weeks or minutes foolishly daydreaming about this person. I do reflect on the relationship as a whole a lot granted.
Second. This other person has always been in my life to some degree since age 11. Not someone I meet at work and had a few month emotional attachment to. Nor was my EA a few months long it was a few years long. That fact was why it was hard for me to see it as a EA over a friendship. Since the relationship had been sexual at one time prior to my marriage I can easily see how people would say it was more then a EA. And conceed that since we talked about sexual issues as we do here on this board just as explicitly as we do here that it was more then a EA and now just say affair to cover all grounds. (Let me side note here I could never speak to my H about the things we talk about here. G-SPOTS O's MBing none of that. But easily would be able to do so with OM just as I do here).
There is no fantasy built up around this person. There have been many sad tears cried between us. There has been just as many bad things as good things but we have always remained friends and we have always excepted bad and good about each other. This person is the closest thing to a best friend I have ever had.
But I am not looking for answers in that person I am looking for answers in what that relationship held that made us be able to go through all we have and still be there for each other and still feel connected. That is what I want to incorporate into my relationship with my H that key element that seems to be missing in this relationship.
If it were the person I wanted I know where to find them. Always have probably always will. But I have already made this bed now I am just trying to make it more comfy so I can sleep in it. So your right it is over. As in I will never be with this person.
You're also depressed a bit and coming out of winter into the rebirth of spring, so it all fosters the itch for change.
Actually I am depressed more then a bit. And yes the change of seasons though this is my favorite always makes me feel restless.
No no no no. There is no dilemma. You are not powerless. You can change your outcome. Freewill.
Why yes there is maybe I did not make myself clear. If I ever choice to leave my H. It will be with less then 4 kids in tow. I cannot change that fact. Nor can I stand the thought of not having my normal daily kiddie fix. Truth raw truth be told (Gel got me thinking about this the other day) Why do I stay what are my reasons 70% for my kids. The other 30% divided between love for my husband fear of whats to come/starting over and then fear that I might find I made a terrible mistake to late.
So you're admitting you know one of his LLs. But you choose to starve him of it.
Starve no lets just say I do not over indulge him in it lol.
I scratch his back every day sometimes twice. If we sit on the couch I will either lay my head up against him or drape my leg across him. I do the pecks hi and bye and we have sex. I even put a effort into making sure at night I sleep close enough to him to touch him (IHJ suggested this).
But H wants more then this. I am suppose to be not cuddled up but rubbing his body. Its not suppose to be a peck it is suppose to be tonsil searches and you know the rest.
Do you have friends?
I use to have lots of friends. H either scared them away or I decided it was not worth what they had to go through so walked away from them two years ago. With the exception of my family or his family and my EX's parents I have no real contact with people IRL. Except on the few occassions I go to the beach with ex's mom or go home and run into people in my home town and those are very limited events.
