Old age is so sad.

[Stigmata]

-Hey Chrissy-

Somehow I'm gonna try and tie together a number of insights from the thoughtful OP on SSM and toss in an observation or 2 FWTW.


Like you I also have felt that this would be easier if I did not love my H at all.
But it goes a little past that also and may have been some of your reasoning earlier on...

- Ah. This is the newest positive I'm seeing. Love. Hey, it's not all roman candle fireworks at this point but WTH it never usually is after 17 years in the trenches. Solid foundation even if you don't believe your R ever had one.

So to blackfoot's point, this is one part of the whole to focus upon. The other one I noticed earlier is your recognition H is becoming a "wonderful father." That's outstanding. It wasn't that long ago when it seemed like your boy/s couldn't stand to be around him. That's a long way to come. Good for him. He's trying to do this for himself but, most importantly in his mind at least, for you.

Which goes to Cobra's point. Yes. He needs you. It's hard to see on your end but try and imagine if you were feeling needy and he started drawing away from you or pushing you away. Fear of abandonment sucks. The more control he tries to assert over not letting you go...and breathe on your own...the more you fight to push him away...which, in turn, feeds right back into his need to try and control a situation he now feels slipping beyond his grasp as he watches you pushing him away.

No, doesn't make sense. But emotions have a nasty way of btch-slapping sense sometimes...and he remains in his fearful fog. The fog that Balto now refers to. Where an epiphany is needed for H.

Next. OM. It's over. Buried. Hasta. Fantasyland.

And I once had this really really really cute girlfriend in the 4th grade. Barrel racer. I used to carry her saddle for her everywhere in a little boy puppy baby alpha manner (hey give me a break; all little boys are alphas; that's why they dip ponytails into inkwells, 'kay? Only when we grow up do we become doormats and stop being mean and teasing.)

Anyway, so I can sit here and dream about what life would be like with cute dimpled cheek Debbie as gumdrops rained from the sky but it's all a hallucination and only a tiny point in time...certainly not 17 years. I assure you if you were with OM for 17 years you'd be annoyed by something he is or isn't doing. But that happens to us all. Like living with your high school friend or college roommate year after year for 17 years.

Gonna have times you Fing hate each other in that span. The ebb and flow of love let's call it. Like the tide. You're just stuck out on a sandbar right now looking around.

In high German it's called "wanderlust." You're just in R wanderlust right now. Usually it refers to the need to strike out on new travels/explorations/adventures.

You're also depressed a bit and coming out of winter into the rebirth of spring, so it all fosters the itch for change.

...Next...

What yourself and LFL are struggling with. Future outcomes. Future happiness. Fear. Drop it. No time machines (at least mine's still in its rudimentary form at present but taking shape nicely)

Both of you. Stop looking for winged portents in the sky...eagles with snakes in talons etc etc...for signs of what your R will be like waaay down the road. No one knows. We might just drop a nuke on Iran soon and the world will crack open. All gone. (what? no SSM?)

It goes to GEL's poignant post about acceptance. And leads to this Principle of Life:

8. There are No Ordinary Moments: The past only exists in our memory. The future only exists as our expectation. The only time that really exists is NOW.
It is a precious moment and we should treat every single moment as special and live it to the full. By being in the present, we have presence. To live
in the now the conscious mind should be quiet and you must focus totally on what you are doing, not what you are going to be doing next week, or what you
are going to have for lunch.

...Next...

This bothers me:

So another dilemia I cannot change at this point so I stay for them and to be with them regaurdless of how much the cost to myself.

- No no no no. There is no dilemma. You are not powerless. You can change your outcome. Freewill.


15. Freedom of Choice: We all have free will, and can choose to do anything we wish. There is no situation where we do not have choice. It may appear that
we do not, but there are always options, if we have the courage and strength to take them. We just have to have the courage of conviction to make the decision.

And the last line. You are all you have. Take care of self first, kids second, H last.. Do NOT accept something despite the ultimate negative cost to self. Be protective of your mind, body, and heart.

Boundaries.

Cage rattling time? Epiphany for H? Soon. And the next one should be if he lifts a finger in anger towards you one more time. It's over. And his worst fears will come true.

She just isn't as affectionate, as sexual
This would be on my list of complaints my H has about me

or as philosophically and emotionally deep as I would like.
"This would be on my list of complaints about my H."

- So you're admitting you know one of his LLs. But you choose to starve him of it. Feeding into his increasing insecurity. You know this right? You don't need physical touch, as you stated just that in an earlier post. He does. Doesn't mean it has to be just sex. Rub his neck. Rub his shoulders. Without prompting. Guess what? The controlling might start to magically decrease. And the ties that bind loosened. So you can breathe.

...other then my boys and my husband I have no one here. No support at all. No reason to stay here.

- Let's wait before we start planning an exit strategy maybe? Could very well be the final option but it will come of its own accord. Don't dwell on it or you'll complete the prophecy.

...and find a reason to stay. Do you have friends? It's easy to leave when you feel like an trapped alien. Grow some roots, find OP you enjoy and will miss if you leave them for good. Integrate into outside interests. Believe me. I know. Cocooning yourself with just H and kids will suck the life out of you if you don't mix in some other activities.

I know, I know. H will raise his eyebroww and start questioning out of fear of OMs showing interest. Thats why it's important for you to reassure him with his LLs. It's soothing to him. Might make him drop the leash.

Hang tight, Chrissy...

-Stigmata-