In reading over your complaints about your H, I see the control issues but I feel fear. My guess is this man is holding on to you for dear life out of fear of abandonment. That would not be so surprising since you have the same background. Getting him to loosen up on his control is like asking him to stop breathing. This is only my guess, but I think he needs lots of reassurance and support.
He does not realize he is controlling you because he is so scared of loss. And if he can see any controlling behavior, they are minor compared to the dread he feels could happen if he does hold on to you. Everything you mention sounds like the actions of an extremely insecure person. Why is he this way?
What would you do if your child was like this? Teach him to be more independent, more trusting, considerate of others? How would you do this? I think it would be impossible. The route I would take is to give that child all the reassurance and security needed, to the point of over-smothering, so the child becomes confident that your will never leave him, and he now wants some breathing room. Treat your husband the same way.
Again, just my guess, but I suspect he had some FOO trauma that did this to him, just as you did. He is emotionally still a child in this regard. He needs to realize this and how it impacts you. But because he does not do so, you see it as insensitivity, uncaring, even meanness. He can probably make similar claims about you. But these are all symptoms. They are not the cause. And focusing on the symptoms is causing resentment to build in you, causing you to erect walls. This diverts you from the true response he wants, which is compassion, understanding, assurance – the very same things you want.
This is almost identical to my situation with my wife. She is very independent, avoiding emotional engulfment, putting up a strong front, being the empowered liberated woman. I have my own abandonment issues and her outward actions only make my reactions worse. Her actions anger me and come across as a power struggle. I react and the cycle builds. What she wants is just what I want and what I said you want. But until we could both see that truth, we were focused on reading the signals the wrong way and making the wrong assumptions. Once we could see through the fog, we came to understand the true meaning of what our actions were trying to say. Then we could approach each other with compassion.
The difficult part is 1) understanding this truth within you and then 2) getting through that fog. Your learning here is addressing point 1. Rattling his cage is how you address point 2.
