Old age is so sad.

[Baltoman]

This part of your post really struck home with me.

Like your wife and you. I almost left but am still here in the physcically sense. But I don't know if emotionally I will ever reconnect with my H. No matter what his future actions. There has been a lot of damage done some of it I don't think can ever be fixed.

I know I may sound like a broken record, but have you considered, or would he consider Retrouvaille? It really helped us rediscover why we got married in the first place.

Yes there are things that I do admire about him or respect about him. But is that enough? That is my big hang up right now. Is this enough to base the rest of my life on. Will I ever find that fufilling enough that I don't want more.

No, it isn't enough long term but it is a good start. Take a page out of BF's recent thread and focus on one thing that you admire at a time. Build up that quality and then search for another.

That anger has ebbed away and yes today I can say I love my H to some degree and in some ways. I love him for the strength of his love for me. But I do not share that strength of love.
And I know it so it leaves me feeling pity and empathy for him which keeps me trying to find something more in our relationship.

Let me guess. When you first met him you were attracted to certain aspects of his personality. You liked that he had forceful opinions, he didn't mince words. I'll bet he could be very charming. I'd be willing to bet that others would still see these qualities that you now view as arrogance and manipulation, right? Familiarity breeds contempt. Who changed? Did he change or did your view of him change?

Hope things are going better for yourself and your wife.
So you say that you have changed your over controlling behavior. Is it a total change from within or a demon that you still fight?

Very good question. A bit of both. I still am very forceful in my opinions but I have lost the need to win every discussion. I have learned to listen rather than debate (most of the time). I still sometimes feel that I am not allowed to voice my opinion and believe my wife is hyper sensitive to perceived slights, but I owe her this period of hypersensitivity. I will never threaten to leave again as a means of control. That part is gone completely. It causes me problems setting boundries as others have pointed out to me here as the ultimate boundry is one that I cannot set without looking like I am backsliding.