I don't think it is off base at all. Matter of fact it makes perfect sense. And yes I do remember from our talks that you are somewhat like my H. The cave reference was funny I remember your response first being your W would never want to climb around a cave and it made me chuckle.
Bucking his contol does seem like a negative thing. And probably does have the reverse effect then what I am seeking just as his need to hold on tighter to me has a reverse effect from what I am sure he is seeking.
Truth be told I am just so fed up with it and wonder if he will ever realize it is doing more harm then good. I am tired of dealing with it so responding from anger and shear frustration rather then logic and control. (of course bf says I need to loose some of my control probably not what he means though lol)
It took almost losing my W physically (and I may have lost her emotionally for good, that has yet to be determined) to be able to take a real hard look inside and see the error of my ways and to start working on changing my destructive behaviors of emotional control through intimidation and mind games (not physical intimidation but the threat of leaving, the threat that I would fight for custody of the kids, etc).
This part of your post really struck home with me.
Like your wife and you. I almost left but am still here in the physcically sense. But I don't know if emotionally I will ever reconnect with my H. No matter what his future actions. There has been a lot of damage done some of it I don't think can ever be fixed.
If you have a desire to fix the R (and it sounds like deep down there are some things you admire about him)
Yes there are things that I do admire about him or respect about him. But is that enough? That is my big hang up right now. Is this enough to base the rest of my life on. Will I ever find that fufilling enough that I don't want more. I think I can resolve myself to it for my kids sake but will that make me happy or even the H?
8 months ago when I came here I could not even say I truely had any love for my H. Gel baited me with question after question trying to get me to say I did or did not. But I was so angry with him it was blinding. That anger has ebbed away and yes today I can say I love my H to some degree and in some ways. I love him for the strength of his love for me. But I do not share that strength of love. And I know it so it leaves me feeling pity and empathy for him which keeps me trying to find something more in our relationship. Either way right now I think we are both being short changed in this relationship and I am at a lose of what to do to fill up the piggy bank. Hench my recent head banging illogical rambles.
Hope things are going better for yourself and your wife. So you say that you have changed your over controlling behavior. Is it a total change from within or a demon that you still fight?
