Just had to say that I love your posting style, especially how you intersperse all those homonyms throughout. Pretty cool. Sorry, random Chrome post of the day.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Maybe it is the lack of exceptance in this relationship.
My H does not except me for who I am he wants to change me. I hold guilt in that two. I do not except my H as he is. I have fought his controlling and manipulative behavior from the begining. Have been more resolved to deal with it then fight it and now am walking back into the fighting it stage at this point.
Maybe it is my lack of connection that I feel with my H and my inablity to find a way to connect with him.
Or maybe it is just me and nothing to do with the relationship. Maybe I want my cake and to eat it to. I have a H that financially supports me loves me adores me maybe that should be enough. Maybe this longing I have for something deeper then that is just me being unrealistic.
Or maybe I need to stop listening to songs like Nicklebacks Savin me and James Blunts Cry and I will be able to get a better grip of emotions and deal with what is a bit better.
Why do you say your H doesn't accept you for who you are, how exactly do you think he wants to change you? What is it about him that you cannot accept?
You do realize that it's not your sole responsibility to find the "connection" in this R don't you? You come across to me as taking on the entire responsibility for you not having a "connection".....YOU can only do so much in that department. There are two people here....sometimes, two people just aren't fit for each other.
You say you have an H who loves you, adores you,....but doesn't accept you as you are and wants to change you? You also don't accept him as he is. I repeat, how does he want to change you? How is it changing the fundamental you and who Chrissy is?
My H does not except me for who I am he wants to change me. I hold guilt in that two. I do not except my H as he is. I have fought his controlling and manipulative behavior from the begining. Have been more resolved to deal with it then fight it and now am walking back into the fighting it stage at this point.
Chrissy, I am going to admit something unpleasant to you that may or may not make a difference in how you view your sitch. A while back you were asking me a bunch of questions. Some were like how would you feel if your W wanted to go crawling around caves with a girlfriend for the weekend? Things like that to guage my need to be in control. I answered homestly and you seemed to like my answers. The thing I want to confess is although I do not believe I was ever quite to the degree that your H is, I see a lot of my past behaviors in him. It took almost losing my W physically (and I may have lost her emotionally for good, that has yet to be determined) to be able to take a real hard look inside and see the error of my ways and to start working on changing my destructive behaviors of emotional control through intimidation and mind games (not physical intimidation but the threat of leaving, the threat that I would fight for custody of the kids, etc).
The reason I'm telling you this is that there is still hope for an epiphany from him. If someone as stubborn and set in their ways as I am can be forced to confront my destructive ways, perhaps he will as well. From what you have said, your H loves you very much but seemingly does not have the emotional well-being to relate to you on a mature level. If I had to guess, he feels as if being in your R is like riding one of those mechanical bulls. He has to hold on tight and control everything or he will be thrown off. He is deathly afraid that you will "wake up" and realize that life without him could be preferable. What he has yet to see is that this fear is a self fulfilling prophesy or he knows it is but feels trapped and unable to alter the dynamics of the relationship for fear that it WILL wake you up.
You talk about fighting his manipulative ways. This will only get him to want to control more. If you have a desire to fix the R (and it sounds like deep down there are some things you admire about him) I would suggest that fighting for control is counter-productive. If you can manage it, lovingly detaching from the control is the way to go. If you want to go crawling around in caves with a girlfriend and he starts to wind up on you and lays the guilt on, smile, tell him that you know he will miss you, that you will miss him too, but you need the stress relief or "Mary" really needs to see you, or whatever, and leave the room. When he starts yelling, lay down the boundries calmly that you would be happy to discuss it when he is calmer and walk away. He needs to have it made clear to him that the relationship is not dependent upon him staying on that bull.
Perhaps I am way off-base here but like I said I see a lot of me in him and I wish I had received my epiphany 15 years ago. I would have been much further along in my R than I am now.
Good luck.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
You know that part of the meaning of homonyms can be using a previously used word in context to making it unexceptable. So as long as that is not what you were saying I do thank you!
I also thank you for giving me my word of the day to look up intersperse what a cool word. Now to figure out a way to work it into my vocabulary theres a challenge
Why do you say your H doesn't accept you for who you are, how exactly do you think he wants to change you
My out going personality for starters. He likes it as long he is around and is the center focus of it. He does not like it when put in context of me being in the work place or public in general. The way I dress. I am not prudish and he would like me to be. You know how everyone was discribing the way they bundled up to go to bed a few weeks ago that is how he would like me to bundle up to go out. So know one has a clue what lies beneath. I am more the tank top blue jeans type he finds that to revealing. My lack of need for physical touch compared to him. He would like for that to be my number one LL. When in truth I seem to fall more into the acts of service type.
This are the first three things that pop to mind my H would like to change about me. For me to be lots less outgoing socially for me to dress more prudish and for me to be more physically needy.
What would I like to change about him.
He is rigid I would like him to be more layed back. He is very unexcepting of things that differ from his POV I would like him to be more layed back and excepting of others individuality. He believes that a married couple needs no one then each other for anything. I cannot except that I still need other things in my life other then him.
Those are just the first three that come to mind.
How is it changing the fundamental you and who Chrissy is?
It takes away from all of it. The basics of my personality.
You come across to me as taking on the entire responsibility for you not having a "connection".....YOU can only do so much in that department
Not allow of it maybe my mindset right now is making me feel that I am responsible for the most of it. I am the one so miserably discontent here so it is my need to find a way to deal with it or change it.
And sometimes I do feel it is just me, I have read so many post from so many posters and can say Oh thats not a problem or a issue in my marriage From the walk away spouse boards to the sexual issue boards to the infidelity boards. The SSM board is the closes I can find that relates to my sitch even though it is not SS. So maybe since I do not have alot of these other issues my issue is myself.Nothing else maybe I am one of those people who are never satisfied echo's through my brain alot this days
My issue is this I feel empty within my marriage and self. Which comes first or maybe which one may have caused the other seems irrelavent at this point, Just like which came first the egg or the chicken. It just is how I feel. But how to get past it is relevant and I am making no headway on it and getting highly discouraged to the point of thinking maybe this is really all there is.
Again I am not in a logical mind frame even I can see that maybe I need to just take another day or two away from the boards and hope it is just PMS talking or something.
Gotta go find something for the kids for dinner hope all have a good night
Maybe it is the lack of exceptance in this relationship.
Hi Chrissy This is what I am struggling with right now myself. Will I be able to get to a point of acceptance or will I always be yearning for more. Sounds like you are on the same wavelength there. Just throwing a little empathy your way. LFL
Even if one can get to the place where they can except our relationships as is. Should they if they still feel something lacking? More of my circular illogic running amuck there.
I think part of my problem right now is I dont want to just except this as being all there is.
Very well put GEL. Chrissy, with true acceptance comes a sense of peace and you will not constantly be yearning for more. But it is hard to get there for sure.
