Well my initial response to your post was I will think about this awhile. Jumped in the shower and was giving it some thought when all of a sudden I felt terrible wanted to go to sleep ect. Hmmm there are those wonderful coping skills of mine kicking in. Not to deal. So obviously what you asked is something I internally don't want to face. So I drug my ass back here. And here we go,
First of all when you state it like that it is obvious in some aspects as to why I feel different about the two relationships.
Just going to the place where my EX hit OM status if I go the whole course of the relationship I might as well start writting a novel.(by the way gonna stop referring to it as a EA because I think we all know it exceeded that to some degree)
What did I feel.
I felt uninhibited,excepted,unencumbered,respected,loved,alive,valuable,whole,unalone,capable of being open,listened to and I could go on and one but in one word I felt complete. I felt the pain I cryed the tears I felt the joy I laughed I went through every spectrum of emotions good and bad. I never shut down I just went with it.
But these feelings were not just receptive feelings I felt uninhibited from myself and excepted by myself and again on and on. These feelings were larger then just him. Don't know if I am explaining that well. Sorta like that relationship allowed me to feel spiritually complete.
This is the part that I find so confusing I could feel everything. No hiding away from bits and parts of life or my own self. But other then that one relationship I have never truely been open/able to feel these things. Its like I hit overdrive. Its like as soon as my ex walks back into my thoughts/life someone hits a on switch as soon as he walks out the switch is thrown back off. I need to find that dam switch. Really I need to find what it is that is so different in me and how I can feel for one person and not another.
Even if I take away all the bad and go back to the begining with my H. I never felt those things in our relationship.
With my ex I felt happy within our relationship with no external factors brought in. I have felt happiness in my marriage with external factors added in the birth of our kids. There first steps ect. But it is not the same.
Now with H compare what I feel to the above Yeah I hit a stumbling block as soon as I came to the word excepted.
So I will have to start a seperate list for him.
With H I feel loved and secure and that pretty much sums it up.
It is all mind boggling and I have no clue if I can really ever feel all those things again. (even with other man). But it is a element of my life/self that lacks and I sure would like to have back. Its just the defining key element that keeps seeming to allude me.
I am probably just being unrealistic though so don't mind me.
