Since I have taken my little trip it seems like I have lost some of my resolve to just make this work at all cost until the kids are older. Since Blackies reference to my ex boyfriend I have found myself pondering alot about him. Maybe not so much about him as much as the type of relationshp we have. Maybe I do this often without realization not sure. It seems the more I think about him/our relationship the more lonely I feel which is just distances me further from the H. I am somewhat confused about this but hey the fact that that person/relationship has always had the ability to make me feel everything laughter and tears joy and pain and passion along with everything in between has always confused me. I know what my marriage lacks but I can not pinpoint what that relationship had. I keep thinking if I can figure out what that key aspect of that relationship was that I can transpose it to this relationship and make things better. That by mimicing the behaviors of that relationship could save this relationship. Matter of fact add it my H's good qualities and make this the best relationship I have ever had. But I just cannot seem to find a starting point of figuring it out. But what ever that key element was I sure do miss it in my life.
I have also been pondering my sisters statement that when ever I speak I always make reference to Richie. What he would think say or do instead of what I would think say or do. How Richie would react if I did this or that blah blah. I never realized how caught up I had become in being in safe mode that I put others in front of myself. (Oddly Richie would disagree with that he feels I put myself before him). I need to break out of that line of thinking/reference to H. I believe that must be one of the after effects of taking his abusive behavior for so long. Who knows.
Today I searched the job banks looking for something part time day shift and close to home. No benifits no great pay but a way to get out and a way to appease wronge or right it gives him what he wants and it marks a starting point for me. I found three jobs and now I am just waitting for the employment office to call me with instructions for the applications. I am also going to check on taking some classes to update my computer progam skills. The community college should be affordable and its near by. H may not like it but I need to start expanding on my own ability to take care of myself and the kids so if worse case comes I am prepared on all levels.
