last I heard before you left, you were saying you were seeing H in a little better light because he is such a great Dad.
So while I wont disagree with how you feel about things right now, I will point out maybe H is trying to help you.
I could be way off. Youll know.
Its very hard watching your Grandma, etc pass on. I watched mine die from cancer and also my Great Aunt. She actually lived with us at the end. My Aunt died while my parents were in the bahamas, my siblings were off being watched by others, and I was there with my Aunt. They are the ones who taught me to play baseball, basketball, (they both played in the womens pro basketball league way back when, my Great Aunt threw discuss in the 1932 Olympics for a silver) and pushed, pushed, pushed me -in good ways, all the time physically and school. well thats enough of that.
about your H. H had stated a few weeks back that he was no longer going to watch me waste away that I needed to get a job and start doing something So he doesnt like to see you depressed, wasting away, listless etc. either. That makes perfect sense to me. He wants you to be happy, healthy etc. IMO he just doenst know how to go about encouraging you or getting you moving. Thats not really his job though.
He then questions why I want to get a job all of a sudden and so forth and starts telling me he really does not want me to go to work So you come home and bam suddenly are ready to go to work. Did he say he doesnt want you to go to work, or that he doesnt want you to go back to the career that you put all your energy and time into instead of your family, and him? There is a huge difference. Also I believe your OM is back in yoru hometown? Maybve he is feeling insecure and that you are now prepping to leave him because of that? wild guessing.
Then come home to be lambasted for going to Charlotte to look for a job he does not want me working there it is to far away (worked right outside of Charlotte for 5 years) and I was gone to long looking for a job So is this a Chrissy decision or a family one? You really need to take care of you, but there is a lot of inbetween, all you and losing yourself. Alot of inbetween. Extremist.
I told H to forget it that I was not going to work it was not worth the hassle so I would continue to sit here in my house and do nothing and he could figure out from her on out how to make ends meet I am done with it.
Hey magician. Quit cutting off your nose to spite your face. NOT positive. Not helpful. Not proactive.
All and all the conversation dead ended and H thought it a great time to have sex. Is sex just sex for your H or does he connect with you thru it? From your description of him and your dating I think he connects with you from sex. also because of how he has sex with you. Its very emotional for him. IMO. If this is the case of course after a fight he is going to want to reaffirm that you both still care about each other. MANY, many men just have sex to get their nut. Its quite different, eh? possible scary.
Today H tried to exert that control again he kept waking me up and trying to get me up to go look for a job. Yeah I stayed in bed until 2pm.
What you see as control, I see as him wanting to get you moving and helping you out of your depression. I simply cant ascribe all negative to everything he does. Its not working for me.
When I got up I sat down and played games on my computer until he got up for work at 5 and to his dismay discovered I had never left my computer all day.
Yeah that would be sad to see someone wasting away. I think you know the feeling. One of these days he will get the picture that he is is own worse enemy when it comes to me I think you are your own worst enemy right now. and if you continue to sabotage yourself you will accomplish it. You keep acting the way you are and so will he. I think that is the point of 180's. You know what a huge 180 for you would be right now. Taking care of yourself at a most basic level. Sleep. Eat. Shower. Find some kind of job. Have some zest for life. Thats not your H's job, nor his responsibility.
I know this was harsh. I know your messed up from your grama. Stop stuffing your sadness and hurt at her condition and loss. Your only hurting you right now. Stop it.
Hope your weekend on the beach with your gf's was fun.
Im not done but I have to go work. They let me come and go as I want but its disrespectful of me to consistantly be late or cancel when not necessary. They treat me well. Its easy to stop appreciateing those that do.
The change of mind frame in my thinking from I don't want her to die to maybe it would be what is best for her is what is so hard for me. And yes it is somewhat selfish. My grams is one of the few people I have had in my life that has always been there excepting and loving and understanding no matter what. And she was my protector at a very bad time in my life. Though I no longer need her protection I cannot phathom life without her love. It has always made me feel special. Again selfish but it is the truth.
I broke my foot kicking the [censored] out of my devil woman Aunt! Oh no thats not it hmm let me see I simply fell ahhh the other was just a fantasy that is right.
last I heard before you left, you were saying you were seeing H in a little better light because he is such a great Dad
He is becoming a wonderful dad in so many ways. Which is making him a better person in my eyes. But and this is a big one. Though I do find it endearring is that enough? My thoughts and opinions of him have improved to a degree in alot of areas. But I had alot of time to really think clearly about our relationship while I was gone. In a week and a half I never once missed my H. I never once called because I just felt like talking to my H. (Though I did call to appease him). I never once thought well I wish Richie was here with me. I never once missed his touch his smell or his voice or his presense not once in 10 days. In truth when my little sister and I went to the movies and I laughed my ass off at her I was glad Richie was not there. When I was sitting swilling wine (yuck) on my little sisters couch and we were laughing and talking I was glad Richie was not there. When I went to bed at night with nothing expected of me I was glad Richie was not there. When I ran into my old friends I did not think gosh I wish Richie was here so I could let these people meet my H. I was glad he was not there. While standing doing the dishes from the night before at my sisters I was looking out the window thinking gosh I could get use to this real quick like. It was like being free to be me laugh and talk and live. No one making a good time bad because it was not all about them. Not having to watch what I say or tell me what I can do or that it is time to go to bed or I am ignoring them. No jealousy over who are those people how do you know them why are you talking to them. I laughed real laughter and I smiled real smiles and I felt like a real person and I was allowed to for 10 days. All because my H was not with me.
So the fact that my H is a starting to become a great father. And he offers me financial security is that suppose to be enough? I at this time do not think so.
So he doesnt like to see you depressed, wasting away, listless etc. either. That makes perfect sense to me
She created this person I am. Now she has to deal with it and she doesn't like it.
Stole that from a post from Geek on another thread. This is the exact same thing I told my H durring this conversation. Along with the fact that he did not like the other me so much that he worked for 17 years on making me into this one. Yes I enabled it yes I allowed it. But truth is I get tired of fighting him to be allowed to be my self. That is my fault. But he did not like me then and does not like me now so where does that leave me in the scale of ever being able to make him happy with me. No where.
IMO he just doenst know how to go about encouraging you or getting you moving. Thats not really his job though.
It's not his job. But I know what I will ultimately be facing if I do start moving the same [censored] that made me finally give up in the first place. Some how seems like standing still is the more peaceful road.
Did he say he doesnt want you to go to work,
Yep as soon as I said I was going to he did not want me to all of a sudden. But if I was here was a list of criteria that any potential job needed to fit blah blah. Pretty much making a job impossible for me. Or atleast making sure it would be unfufilling to me making me not so apt to go out and look for one.
Also I believe your OM is back in yoru hometown? Maybve he is feeling insecure and that you are now prepping to leave him because of that?
He is not in it but still in the general area yes. Your wild guess maybe right that he would some how link it too him. Which I find sorta funny if it had to do with the ex it would seem more logical that I would look for a job in Ohio not here. A job does not change the fact that we are 4 states apart it does not bring us any closer together. Nor change the fact that I will never leave my kids so I could never go to be with the other man permenantly no matter what. He has kids there and I doubt he would ever leave them no matter what so that makes me getting a job have to do with him how? But knowing my H he would find a way to make it about someone else.So you might be on the money with that wild guess.
So is this a Chrissy decision or a family one?
What about me going to look for a job in Charlotte that was a me decision.(was not on H's orginal list of criteria for a job was added after the fact). Yeah I guess it was a Chrissy decision. sorry I guess I am being kind of selfish in my thinking that if I am to go to work full time that I should have some good benifits to fill in the gap of our sorta sucky ones we have. And be paid well enough and to have enough money left over to pay someone gas money to drive my kids back and forth from practices so they can remain in sports and to put my youngest in after school care so he is not alone for hours just in case he has a seizure. While still having enough left over to pay the bills and have a little left to take them to the movies or bowling or out to eat on occassions. So yes I was being selfish and it was not a family based decision.
Quit cutting off your nose to spite your face. NOT positive. Not helpful. Not proactive.
Really well I am not seeing it as such right now. I see it more as in your face you cannot control me blah. If he wants me to get a job thats fine but he can take his limits and criteria away that will hinder that process. And it be about me finding a job that is in the best interest of all of us not just him or I will not work. Either way I am taking away some of his controlling me ability away from him. Maybe I am seeing this through jaded eyes. But this I want you to get a job oh wait now I don't because you are willing to well now you don't want to so I want you to bullshit has got to stop. I am done with the head games. And if I am going to be forced to continue to play them I am gonna play them to win from here on out.
Is sex just sex for your H or does he connect with you thru it?
No it is about emotional connect for him. But I was in no mood to feed his EC bank at the moment. And had I have just went along with it would have been done resentfully. And that is the one thing I have overcame is taking resentfullness into the bedroom that would just have created a backwards slide. And nah I will pass on that.
What you see as control, I see as him wanting to get you moving and helping you out
Well had I have not told him he could not make me when he demanded I go get a job the night before. This would have never happened. Had I have been all okay tomorrow I will get up and look for a job he would have never woke me up. He failed to wake me up the day I did really want to go look for a job. Matter of fact wanted to know what I was doing up so early even though the night before I had told him of my plans.
Have some zest for life. Thats not your H's job, nor his responsibility.
No it is not but he seems to take great pleasure in making sure that I can not enjoy much in life.
Hope your weekend on the beach with your gf's was fun.
Got there friday night around 6pm. H called by 10am to bitch about D19 (like it could not wait until I got home) And was pissy I had not left to come home yet. Other then that I did have a really good time doing nothing much but hanging out with her. Since it is my ex's mother I do not get to spend to much time with her these days. Was home by 9:30 Sat night.
Since I have taken my little trip it seems like I have lost some of my resolve to just make this work at all cost until the kids are older. Since Blackies reference to my ex boyfriend I have found myself pondering alot about him. Maybe not so much about him as much as the type of relationshp we have. Maybe I do this often without realization not sure. It seems the more I think about him/our relationship the more lonely I feel which is just distances me further from the H. I am somewhat confused about this but hey the fact that that person/relationship has always had the ability to make me feel everything laughter and tears joy and pain and passion along with everything in between has always confused me. I know what my marriage lacks but I can not pinpoint what that relationship had. I keep thinking if I can figure out what that key aspect of that relationship was that I can transpose it to this relationship and make things better. That by mimicing the behaviors of that relationship could save this relationship. Matter of fact add it my H's good qualities and make this the best relationship I have ever had. But I just cannot seem to find a starting point of figuring it out. But what ever that key element was I sure do miss it in my life.
I have also been pondering my sisters statement that when ever I speak I always make reference to Richie. What he would think say or do instead of what I would think say or do. How Richie would react if I did this or that blah blah. I never realized how caught up I had become in being in safe mode that I put others in front of myself. (Oddly Richie would disagree with that he feels I put myself before him). I need to break out of that line of thinking/reference to H. I believe that must be one of the after effects of taking his abusive behavior for so long. Who knows.
Today I searched the job banks looking for something part time day shift and close to home. No benifits no great pay but a way to get out and a way to appease wronge or right it gives him what he wants and it marks a starting point for me. I found three jobs and now I am just waitting for the employment office to call me with instructions for the applications. I am also going to check on taking some classes to update my computer progam skills. The community college should be affordable and its near by. H may not like it but I need to start expanding on my own ability to take care of myself and the kids so if worse case comes I am prepared on all levels.
Let me try to give you a starting point for figuring out what you had then vs now.
Did/do you "feel" loved? Respected? Threatened? Trapped? Cherished? Cared For? Protected? Relaxed? Different things like this.....try literally sitting down and writing out a list of feelings and check them off in accordance with you XBF and your H. Kind of an emotional Pros/Cons list. That might help you kind of pinpoint what's lacking for you....I suspect it's going to be pretty obvious once it's written out.
Well my initial response to your post was I will think about this awhile. Jumped in the shower and was giving it some thought when all of a sudden I felt terrible wanted to go to sleep ect. Hmmm there are those wonderful coping skills of mine kicking in. Not to deal. So obviously what you asked is something I internally don't want to face. So I drug my ass back here. And here we go,
First of all when you state it like that it is obvious in some aspects as to why I feel different about the two relationships.
Just going to the place where my EX hit OM status if I go the whole course of the relationship I might as well start writting a novel.(by the way gonna stop referring to it as a EA because I think we all know it exceeded that to some degree)
What did I feel.
I felt uninhibited,excepted,unencumbered,respected,loved,alive,valuable,whole,unalone,capable of being open,listened to and I could go on and one but in one word I felt complete. I felt the pain I cryed the tears I felt the joy I laughed I went through every spectrum of emotions good and bad. I never shut down I just went with it.
But these feelings were not just receptive feelings I felt uninhibited from myself and excepted by myself and again on and on. These feelings were larger then just him. Don't know if I am explaining that well. Sorta like that relationship allowed me to feel spiritually complete.
This is the part that I find so confusing I could feel everything. No hiding away from bits and parts of life or my own self. But other then that one relationship I have never truely been open/able to feel these things. Its like I hit overdrive. Its like as soon as my ex walks back into my thoughts/life someone hits a on switch as soon as he walks out the switch is thrown back off. I need to find that dam switch. Really I need to find what it is that is so different in me and how I can feel for one person and not another.
Even if I take away all the bad and go back to the begining with my H. I never felt those things in our relationship.
With my ex I felt happy within our relationship with no external factors brought in. I have felt happiness in my marriage with external factors added in the birth of our kids. There first steps ect. But it is not the same.
Now with H compare what I feel to the above Yeah I hit a stumbling block as soon as I came to the word excepted.
So I will have to start a seperate list for him.
With H I feel loved and secure and that pretty much sums it up.
It is all mind boggling and I have no clue if I can really ever feel all those things again. (even with other man). But it is a element of my life/self that lacks and I sure would like to have back. Its just the defining key element that keeps seeming to allude me.
I am probably just being unrealistic though so don't mind me.
Ran to get my son and while in the car the words unalone keep playing in my mind.
Maybe that is my problem right now I feel so totally alone. And yes I could pick up the phone and speak to OM and that feeling would disapate to some degree but the problem is I want my H to be the one to be able to make me feel not alone. Odds are not in favor of that ever happening.
So maybe like Blackie said I am all over the place right now and tomorrow I will be more able to stuff and except that what is is.
Hey Chrissy. Know you're dealing with a lot of inner questions and getting good feedback from OP.
Hang in there. Just wanted to clip a little something:
but the problem is I want my H to be the one to be able to make me feel not alone. Odds are not in favor of that ever happening.
Too much responsibility for him to impose upon him like that. And I don't see how this is anything but impossible for you to verbalize this to him.
"I want you to help me feel like I'm not alone." Yeah. Doesn't work, huh?
Plus, you've unwittingly created an infinite loop conundrum. You want him to make you "feel" something (an impossibility in and of itself) yet the last line...you've already convicted him and sent him to the gallows for not being able to ever do that for you before he has even had a chance to go about starting that impossible task.
Circular illogic.
And your mind set is already skewed negative, feeding resentment, the ultimate attraction killer.
Maybe if you try and start forcing yourself to think about what's "right" about your H and go back to the day you met him as he was changing etc? How you never felt alone around him back then? Try and see if you can pick out those moments of "unaloneness" around him and recreate them.
Think positive girl
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
Ok...so now, why do you feel alone in this R? You can't hope to alter that feeling of aloneness in your R until you can figure out why you feel that way and communicate it to your H.
Physically....obviously you aren't alone, so start trying to figure out why you do feel that way emotionally. You can't rely on your H to suddenly make you feel "complete" if you can't pinpoint why you don't feel that way first and communicate that to him.
Yes you are right that statement gave my H more responsibility then intended.
Better wordage should have been I want my relationship with my H to contain that same element that can make me feel so not alone. I really am not trying to find the difference in the people as much as the relationships. The people are as different as night and day to a large degree though they do have some simular traits. Physical and personality.
Circular illogic
More like pure illogic not just circular.
And your mind set is already skewed negative, feeding resentment
Skewed negative yeah I see that but I really don't feel resentment more desperation at this point. I am at my breaking point in this relationship truth be told. Not sure why things are no worse and even better in some ways then 8 months ago. But it is sorta like now that I have sorted through some of side effects of carrying all this baggage around I know have to deal with the real issues and face my emotions. Habit would have me to pick up the bags and carry them a little futher just to avoid this. But I don't want to do that yet I don't really want to or know how to deal with all the illogical feelings I am having like discontent, feeling short changed,confussed ect. Again my mind is running circles just not logical ones lol.
How you never felt alone around him back then?
I have felt alone 90% of my life. I am one of those people who can be in a room of people and still feel 100% alone. There was never a time I did not feel that way in this relationship (in my soul). There are only two people I can think of that in there presense I did not feel this way. A very good girlfriend of mine and my EX.
Think positive girl
I think my positive thinking button is stuck right now. Maybe my planets are unaligned right now causing me choas.
Oh by the way watched a show on church excepted stigmata's the other night. Guess I never realized the church has only ever sanctioned one true stigmata (St Francis) oddly though it has given saint status to others without acknowledging there stigmta formally.
NOT positive. Not helpful. Not proactive. 