I think the hardest part for me right now is the fact she is in a nursing home. I happened to work at this very same nursing home when I first found myself a single mother. I saw how little personal attention most of these people got from not only staff but family. Many of them only uttered a few sentence to anyone but there imaginary friends in a day. Because no one is available. To me that is so profoundly sad that it is heart wrenching. I know my mom goes there almost daily for a hour to a few hours. I know my devil Aunt comes in from MI once a week or so to see her. And my older sister and her boyfriend visit almost every Sunday for a couple of hours. But that still leaves atleast 10 hours a day of complete loneliness and lack of inter action in her life and that is so so sad to me. Maybe because I can relate so well with the feelings of lonliness I have them and have nearly every day of my life. Then factor in she is trapped in a chair and can not go to the bathroom or lay down or anything else for her self. And yes at this point it is for her own good she did just break her hip and is not recovered as of yet and she does not remember that she can not just get up and walk. But again I worked in this enviroment and saw how they strapped people into chairs to contain them because they did not have the staff/or want to actually watch them. How long until she can walk and is still strapped down for convienence instead of need. And how fair is that.
My H. Yes everything you say is true and we both (along with probably all the others here) know what you say is true. There is no pleasing the man. No matter which way I turn it will always fall short in some area for him.
I am past the resentment of this aspect of our relationship. I am done excepting it and actually bordering on and between anger and frustration with the pettiness of the whole situation.
My 2 oclock rising the other day was out of pure emotions of FU in your face excuse me you cannot make me ness. I am not your child nor can you demand me to get up and go look for a job after fussing about me looking for one and really expect me to do it with a bit of okay so what ya gonna do if I don't meanness blended in.
I told my H point blank the other night. The hollow me is a creation of this marriage and he either wants that or he wants the fun loving ballsy girl he meet but he cannot have both. That I forsee our marriage always being as it stands. A tug of war over who I am suppose to be and Where neither of us are satisfied and he needs to either resolve himself to except that or to move on.
In all fairness to my H he has been trying harder. Since I have been confronting him about his cussing and fussing regularly he has knocked it down a notch or two and it is noticable. His fatherly skills and relationship with my older son has improved greatly. But and this is a big but I wonder how fair all of this effort he is putting forth is to him. The reason why. While in Ohio I had a lot of time to think and talk with my sister. And I realized something. I can fix our sex life I can fix some of our relationship problems but I can not change the way I feel about him in a larger essence. It all revolves around when things were at the worse with us. And he was being physically violent not just threatening. A part of me has never left those days. I have never moved past how I felt about him at that time. The anger has deminished I can see I owned reasoning for some of his anger. But the way I felt about him at that time is still there and it over shadows any other feelings I have for him. It is there every time he reaches for me touches me kisses me. It is a mix of fear and disbelief and anger and so much more that I have no way to put in words. Every time I think of him I think of then. Yes it is a lack of trust of him it is a lack of feeling safe from him but it is something else mixed in that isolates me from him and only allows me to love him to a certain point. Even if I forgave him his actions excepted his reasons and took on the guilt for bringing them about I don't think it would change how I feel somewhere deep down inside me about him. Which really makes his effort to change worthless in some efforts. I really don't know if my words make sense it is hard to describe.
So anyhow about my recent run of bad luck. I am thinking my Aura is tainted and maybe I need to find a form of spirital cleansing to get some good Karma going. Anyone ever done this around her that can give me some advise like if it is a crock or a wonderful thing?
And to Chrome James Blunts song cry is so soo hauntingly beautifully spiritual it makes you feel as if he is speaking to or from ones own soul. Thank you for the reference to the CD that made me discover it. I now own the CD.
So Chrissy....what is it YOU want to do?
Well tomorrow I am leaving for the beach to sit overnight with a friend then Sunday I am taking my boys bowling if they want and then monday I am going out to look for a job again. I may just do the lower paying part time thing. Not for my H but for myself summer is around the corner and I want a great tan!
And if things change as in if my H really ever leaves then I will get that full time job. I am going to pamper myself a bit for now.
Oh and by the way Blackie I have bought myself about 6 or 7 new shirts in the last two weeks along with new makeup and a few other not really needed items like CD's all on H's dime with no guilt (yet)
Hope all have a wonderful day and thank you all for your input and support it is so appreciated
