Well, I am back from visiting my family. Had an okay time of it and even extended my stay a few extra days.
I broke my foot while I was gone and caught a head cold but the worse part of it all was seeing my gram's strapped in a chair and unable to carry on a conversation of more then two sentences. She seems to have no meaning to keep going. Ask her what she just ate and the answer you know I really don't remember. Ask her how she slept the night before and it's I guess all right I really don't remember.
She was not this bad until she was put in the nursing home. I talked to her on the phone just over the holidays. She had a hard time hearing and some scattered thoughts or repeated herself a lot but she still did remember things 5 minutes after they happened.
My heart broke every day I saw her. I have always feared her dying. Never thinking I could handle losing someone I have loved so much in my life time. But now knowing this is her from her on out I can say that it will hurt more thinking of that image of her strapped in a chair having no one to talk to and nothing to do understanding very little going on around her then it will be with dealing with her passing.
People in my family seem to have long life spans but what is it worth if this is the quality of life they have to live.
Sadly all that said I think I already have some of that lack of quality in my life. I really look forward to little in my days. I already spend most of my time sitting and waiting out time. Other then my interactions with my kids my life is pretty much as desolate as hers is.
I spent some awesome time with my sisters and mother with the exception of the two days I was drug to my grams house to help prepare it to be sold. None of it was heavy and dramatic or problematic. We shopped and ate and laughed.
My older sister and I did have one heavy conversation while sitting in THE bedroom at my grama's about gramp's and his actions. She stated that she has been having nightmares about him for the last few years on and off.
She was not interested in taking anything of his as a reminder of him, Only stuff that was about our grama.
Odd how that foo bird can attack you so much later in life.
I also ran into a couple that I went to high school with and we chatted for a short time and exchanged numbers (which of course I trashed so my H would not come across them) Seems we are set to have a class reunion in a year and they thought it would be great for me to come.
oddly I really do not remember this people well did not even remember there names. And after learning there names came to the conclusion I don't think I even liked these people in high school. So all the to do about me coming to the reunion and calling them makes no sense to me but oh well its kinda funny.
Ah now the home front.
H seem to believe that my one and a half weeks away was going to make me the loving affectionate wife of his dreams and all was going to be perfect from here on out. Sadly this was/is not the case I was only gone a week.
As unrealistic as his hopes where it did make me feel crummy that nothing really had changed. I wished for him it would have.
But the games and the control and manipulation efforts only took a day or two to rear there ugly head between us.
H had stated a few weeks back that he was no longer going to watch me waste away that I needed to get a job and start doing something blah blah or he was leaving. That coupled with the thoughts posted above about how my life already seems to resemble my grama's at this point. I decided to go look for a job back in my line of work. Which entails long drives back and forth and many hours. But includes good pay benefits and a career not just a job.
I told H I was going to get up early to look for a job. He then questions why I want to get a job all of a sudden and so forth and starts telling me he really does not want me to go to work but if I do this is what I cannot do/what he does not want me to do. I cannot work third shift he wants me home at night with him. I can work some second shift hours but first shift would be what he really wants me to work and he really only wants me to work part time but no gas stations or anything dangerous like that blah blah.
So I go look for a job. Close to where I use to work then I stop at the mall and look around (still kicking the ideal around of restarting my business). Then come home to be lambasted for going to Charlotte to look for a job he does not want me working there it is to far away (worked right outside of Charlotte for 5 years) and I was gone to long looking for a job blah blah.
So I am between WTF and FU by the end of the night. I told H to forget it that I was not going to work it was not worth the hassle so I would continue to sit here in my house and do nothing and he could figure out from her on out how to make ends meet I am done with it. Then H pretty much demands that I do go to work tells me I am going to blah blah or he is leaving. I again told him hollow words with no effect on me. And he could not make me get a job And pointed out to him how he was trying to control and manipulate me into doing what he wanted not what I wanted or what was best for the kids. I drove the nail home when I pointed out his statements about 3rd shift and me needing to be home with the kids ect where about him that my looking for a job was now about him and that that actually 2nd shift would be the harder of the two for spending time with the kids since I would be leaving before they got home from school and coming home when they where in bed I would get to spend no time with them. And also that it was silly to even put that condition out there when I have A. never worked 3rd before and B. third shift is for factory workers and such my line of work is office work hence no need to even say I was not allowed when it would not be an issue. It is his trying to control me issue.
All and all the conversation dead ended and H thought it a great time to have sex. Which was a no go for me.
Today H tried to exert that control again he kept waking me up and trying to get me up to go look for a job. Yeah I stayed in bed until 2pm. When I got up I sat down and played games on my computer until he got up for work at 5 and to his dismay discovered I had never left my computer all day. One of these days he will get the picture that he is is own worse enemy when it comes to me. And his controlling nature is starting to really make my defiant nature come rear its head.
