Lately H and I have not had much of an EC. It began when he started his new job. I figured it would take some time to get into a new routine but it just aint happening.
Currently I feel stuck. I am well aware that I could, tonight, get us completely back on track. I don't want to do this because I'm, quite frankly, sick of being the guide. I'm not mad at him, I'm not freezing him out but, curiously enough, I'm feeling some of my "am I really in love with this guy?" feelings creeping back in. And I'm saying Oh no ya don't!
A few months ago, the girls and I did something special for H. We turned our back yard into a winery of sorts. The area we live in has some green hilly parts and evidently the German immigrants who came here 150 yrs ago thought it looked like the motherland. They proceeded to plant grape vines and there are a lot of local wineries. So I copied what they did, as best I could, and had everything set up in our yard...wine, cheese, fresh bread, pastries, candles, a blanket in the yard, music playing. The kids thought it was wonderful and magical. Last week, H said "You know, I really liked it when you did that winery thing. I wish you'd do something like that again." I looked straight at him and said, I'll tell ya what. I'll repeat that event just as soon as YOU do something romantic and unexpected for ME. He said, Right..right...yes of course you're right. Point taken.
And then I went on being cheery as usual. Did not make a big deal of it but let him know in no uncertain terms that this here's a TWO way street.
A couple days later he ran a bath for the both of us and it was really nice. I felt heard. But after the bath, we got into a religious argument that ended with him calling me names. ??? We've not had an argument like this in over a year, probably more, and here it was cropping up like old times. Then another one happened a few days later.
We're just not 'clicking', not firing on all cylinders.
The biggest change I can see is that his new job is fairly enjoyable for him. The intense despair that he felt over his job is gone. But so is the emotional attachment he had to me because he was so miserable there. Now he comes home and is happy and pretty much does his own thing, including staying up late every night to watch a movie.
For my part, I have a ton of stress in my life right now and I just feel detached from life in general. I'm sure if H and I were 'on', I'd feel better. He just seems so NOT into this relationship right now.
So how do you folks get the EC back when things aren't clicking?
I have to confess that at this point, I'm not interested in *doing* anything. That's why I'm bracing myself for whacks.
P.S. We are ML pretty regularly and even that is not smoothing out the EC stuff. I've even had moments where I felt bad that it was pretty much just fcuking and not really making a meaningful connection during it.
HP, Hey, stop staring down that road my friend, it doesn't lead anywhere you want to go Tell him again that you are feeling a little left out, and that you feel a little like you are the only one carrying the weight again. ie, tell him what you just told us here. Do it in a loving way, don't be accusatory. Let him know you are concerned, and that YOU MISS HIM. Keep it loving, but let him know exactly what you need. It'll help if you can get him to understand what it feels like to you. Maybe using the Lenten season as a reason to pray together might help as a way for you to express your desires to God in the presence of your H so that he too will hear your desires without it being directed at him?
Everything that has been a issue for the last year, is no longer. In fact there really are no issues. Things are good in Honeyville. No emotional highs or lows.
Boring even.
Predictable most likely. Gosh that really sucks.
Let me commiserate with you. <sniffle>
ok back to reality. I will acknowledge that yes predictable is not very stimulating. That steady thump thump of a healthy R heartbeat is not going to be enough for a R specialist. Frankly I am suprised at the lack of plate spinnage.
That reminds me. On the radio this morning I heard some woman say, Women are attracted to men they love, and Men Love women they are attracted to. I wanted to spank her. All the men listening to that drivel and believing it made me want to bang my head on the steering wheel. This probably belongs over in your HDW/ LDH thread though.
So how are those workouts going?
What other hobbies do you have other then scowling at your Computer screen whenever my smug superiorness arrives?
Oh yeah, I see what you have been up to. Im impressed, actually was in awe there for a minute, but I think it may have been too subtle though.
Another thing. Yes you ....deserve..... yuck. It would be nice if your H thought of something romantic, quaint, etc. When exactly should he plan this and execute it? In the 4 or 5 hours he has at home between spending time with D's, you and recuping from doing his daily battle with customers, corporation, office politics, etc.
Whilst you are there with D's all day long. Apparently needing some mental stim.... I think it would be cool if you did something like that again, too.
Hi HP I've been thinking about this very issue lately myself and I am sort of coming to some acceptance (defeat?) that the amazing EC and SL we aspire to with our S may never be possible or really live up to our expectations...ever. And I'm not being "poor me" about it. Just more realistic. Is it really possible to keep a strong EC with the same person for a life time? I'm not just saying a happy M, that is certainly possible. But maybe we are all shooting too high????? Not sure where I really stand on this all yet. Just throwing it out there.
On the radio this morning I heard some woman say, Women are attracted to men they love, and Men Love women they are attracted to.
That is some stereotypical BS if I ever I heard it. I'd be banging my head on the steering wheel too BF. Cr@p like that only makes people wonder what the heck is wrong with me...and/or my S.
My feeling exactly, LFL. It is a point that occurred to me in the long feminism and relationships discussion. I do believe that feminism did a disservice to marriages but not in the way most people think. I think what it did was hold out an “androgynous” ideal where men and women would be equal (i.e. the same) and that we would be friends. Many women (and men) bought into this. No longer would we be stuck in our boring old traditional roles, woman as nurturer and child-rearer/man as bread-winner and protector. Everyone would be able to self-actualise and relate to each other with a close emotional bond. BULLSHIT. That is what it proved to be.
However those of us raised in the 70’s and bought into the crap and now we seem to be paying the price as reality bites in our relationships. Men are disappointed because they foresaw a wonderful life of lessened responsibility and the ability to follow their dream rather than concentrate on providing for a family. Women are disappointed because they foresaw a wonderful life of lessened responsibility and the ability to follow their dream rather than a life of domestic drudgery. And I think both men and women were sold the idea of an unfettered and fulfilling sex-life (based on efficient contraception) and Masters & Johnson or Kinsey type ideas of what a sex-life should be. And we’ve wound up blaming each other.
How much misery would there really be if no-one actually knew what a so-called *normal* sex-life was? How much misery would there be if women expected to stay at home, raise their kids, have a life in the community (relating emotionally to their kids and their close friends) and men expected to go out and earn a living, do their hobbies (relating emotionally to their buddies)?
Sorry to hijack HP!
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Hmmm... HP, I'm gonna take a stab at some of this, but I'll say right up front that I may be all wet, so feel free to ignore any or all of this. I've been out of the loop for a while, and no doubt have missed some important points. But several things you say sort of jump out for me.
First, it sounds like YOU may be depressed to some degree, which would be understandable given all the stuff on your plate. You're in a very difficult part of life right now, no denying it. Little kids, family illness, etc. You are facing a LOT of stuff all at once. Plus, your H recently changed jobs. It seems to me that on a scale of counting up stressors, you are WAY up there. So this "blah" feeling may just be a normal reaction to all that, rather than being solely due to your R issues. Not that that doesn't contribute.
Second, even though your H now enjoys his job, there is also a fair amount of stress that goes along with settling into a new workplace. New routines to learn, new people to get used to, etc. Yes, he's enjoying it, but it's also a very draining experience.
The staying up late to watch movies is somewhat worrisome. It may be his way of coping with the stresses he's going through, but it's not a positive habit to get into, long term. You may need to confront him specifically on that issue, especially since it robs you of time together, presumably.
Have you discussed with him specifically about how you're feeling, how you're missing the EC you once felt? Sounds to me like you're thinking something along the lines of: "Now that he has a job he enjoys, without all the high drama and deep depressions of the previous job, he doesn't seem to need me anymore." Maybe you're feeling that now that he gets more fulfillment from his work, he isn't driven to seek it with you as much. Maybe there's some truth there, but maybe it only seems that way. No doubt that the change in his job will have a large effect on the dynamics between you, because he doesn't need the same things from you he did previously, but he does still need you. He may not quite know exactly what he needs from you at this point, though, and it certainly sounds like he doesn't realize what you need from him.
I'm sure you realize that he isn't likely to magically "wake up" and start giving you what you need - you're going to have to take the lead once more. I know, it sucks (wonder how I know this?). But that's just how things are.
For some reason I'm reminded of a poem, which I can't really remember much of, but the main point of it was that the writer asked from life only a penny, and only recieved that, but had they asked far more, they would have recieved far more. Bottom line being, we are all entitled to all life has to offer, but we do have to present our voucher in order to claim it. There are always good times and hard times, and sometimes the hard times just need to be endured. But I have no doubt that you guys will get it together at some point, you just have to persist! I do hope at least some of this is somewhere in the general vicinity of the target...
Nice post Fran. I know H and I were building on the Friend aspect of the M more than anything else and that was not truly successful. Might have worked better if the kids didn't come along. Darn those kids! They mess up everything The reality is that history will always be mom, dad, and the kids. Someone needs to take on the role as a main caregiver, someone else main breadwinner. It is very difficult to split that up equally although many couples try. The road to self-actualization is put on hold for a while. Probably why many die-hard feminists choose not to have children. But, kids or no kids, couples will struggle with the EC over time because it is human nature to lose some of that attraction to your life partner. And therefore, sex will usually become a problem as well. How much misery would there really be if no-one actually knew what a so-called *normal* sex-life was? How much misery would there be if women expected to stay at home, raise their kids, have a life in the community (relating emotionally to their kids and their close friends) and men expected to go out and earn a living, do their hobbies (relating emotionally to their buddies) Oh, there would still be misery. We just wouldn't be attempting to make the SL with our S so much better. Who is wrong here? The people who try to fight the natural progression of marital relations or the people who expect M and the SL that goes along with it to never be truly "fulfilling?" Guess it goes back to your expectations. Maybe those people who give up having a great sex life end up happier in the end. I have a hard time accepting that because I feel like a life without intimacy/ec/passion is something I will regret later in life. Am I setting myself up for disappointment if I stay with H. It's a Catch-22. Either I give in to not having a truly fulfilling SL and regret it, or fight to keep making it better and being continually disappointed, let down, frustrated that it is not what I had hoped for. I'm screwed either way. And not literally
Honey... I know when I am fed up in the marriage, I tend to see things in black and white...remember things are not all bad, and you are just one interaction away from things being on a better track. You say that you are under a lot of stress ( and who wouldn't be with 3 little ones at home...that alone would do me in). Personally, I think you need to be " given to" by your H...you really need him to initiate something giving without your pointing the way. Now the bath episode was nice, but it came after a convo of prompting him, which just isn't the same. Telling him to shut the tv off and spend some energy with you will have the same effect. Right now I feel you just can't guide him...too much resentment up that tunnel. Sometimes you just have to wait it out. Fill him in on the stresses you are under...let him know emotionally where you are at. Share your feelings, yet suggest nothing. And take really good care of you. Let's see when and what he comes up with ( we will give him credit for any itsy-bitsy thing, as long as it involves something for you personally).
The staying up late to watch movies is somewhat worrisome. It may be his way of coping with the stresses he's going through, but it's not a positive habit to get into, long term. You may need to confront him specifically on that issue, especially since it robs you of time together, presumably.
I agree. It's also an avoidance technique and can start to become a crutch when the R is not at it's best. H and I are still guilty of this at times. It is definitely having any impact on the lack of EC you feel right now HP. I'd talk to him about it.
