I just wrote a post, and it disappeared after i sneezed...i have no idea what happened.
I haven't posted in a while, as there is really nothing going on with me. Had a brief conversation with my H the other day, basically about scheduling my visit with my cats.
I guess it is time for me to move on. I am beginning to realize that my M cannot be saved. There was a time when i thought there was a chance, but not anymore. My H has made his choice. I know that i made mistakes throughout our M, but nobody is perfect. I have always felt that my H had unrealistic expectations of R and M, and his behaviors have proved that. He has chosen to be with somebody else. I guess i shouldn't be surprised...i imagine this is my punishment for what i did 10 years ago. It is a shame that my H can't see that we had a good life together. Despite my issues, I was a good wife to him.
I never would have imagined, in my worst nightmares, that this would happen. I believed in my H, and in our M. I believed that he would love me forever...that we would be together forever. And i don't understand why that can't be.
For the past 2+ years, i have done everything and anything to save my M. Did i make mistakes along the way? Sure did. So did my H. I don't understand how this can be so easy for him. Why does he think that getting divorced is going to be less painful than sticking it out and trying to make this work. I forgot, this isn't about our M. This is about him deciding that he wanted someone else. And it really has nothing to do with me. Hard thing to internalize though. I keep wondering why he doesn't love me enough to work this out. Why he doesn't love me enough to look past the mistakes. I never thought he would ever stop loving me. The reality of that is like a punch in the stomach.
I will never fully understand the motivations behind his choices. I guess it doesn't matter. I just wish that he could be the man that i married...the man that i saw standing at the altar, with a huge smile on his face. The man i thought would cherish me forever. Maybe he never existed...i don't know. Either way, it hurts. I don't know who or what to believe anymore.
I still love my H...i always will. Its hard to imagine a life without him. But, i have to accept that. My M is over...and it hurts, really bad.
