I do try not to have animosity towards the ow. But, she knew he was married...she knows me for god's sake...she knew me before she even knew my H. And I have little tolerance for people who have affairs, and have children with their spouse. I can't even imagine the pain it causes the children. So, this ow wasn't done when she broke up her family...she had to break up mine too. Yes, i know, my H didn't have to go along with any of it. But, it does take two.
I continue to have the same feelings of "why doesn't he love me enough to stay with me?" And "why does he love her more?" I know that these thoughts aren't helpful, but they exist nonetheless. I keep trying to figure out what happened to my H...i miss the man that i married so much. This just doesn't seem real. Before, i really could believe that there was still hope. Now, after getting the papers, i see that there isn't. But, why does he continue to do the things that he does? I don't understand it.
I can't take this pain anymore...something's gotta give. I think, if my H can't come back to me, then this pain has got to go away. And neither of those things are happening.
Its amazing how we can spend time together and to look at us, it looks like nothing is wrong. I don't know if he is just faking it. But, honestly, i still do feel this connection between us. Even if he did come back, i don't know how it would work...there has been so much that has happened. And i just don't know how one can forget those things. I tried to remember last night what it felt like to sleep next to my husband and i couldn't remember. And that just feels really bad. I miss so many things about us - all the good things. And i feel like the bad things about our M have improved. So, to build on the good that existed already would really make our M great. But, he can't or won't do that. And as hard as it is, i have to acknowledge that he has chosen someone else over me...the love of his life. That's kind of funny...if i'm the love of his life, how does he walk away so easily?
I keep hoping that one day, i will wake up and things will seem a little lighter. I have to take it one day at a time and pray for the continued strength to make it through this heartbreak.
