H and I went to breakfast this morning...had a really nice time...kind of like how things used to be. When he was dropping me off, I brought up the whole papers and everything. I asked him if it was what he really wanted and he said "who wants this? nobody wants this." I told him i wasn't trying to make him angry or upset, but that i had all these things i needed to say. He really didn't say too much, just that the things that i was saying made a lot of sense and that he would think about everything i was saying. I told him that i understood that he was hurt and i wasn't trying to minimize his feelings. And that i respected his decision to see a lawyer and file for D. I told him that it wasn't what i wanted, but that i was going along with it b/c there really were no other options. He said there are so many things that he missed about us...things that we have, but then he has these thoughts that he can't stop. I told him that forgiving was not the same as forgetting and forgiveness is for both of us. I told him i didn't expect things to go back to how they had been, but that we needed to start slowly and with a clean slate. I told him how confusing this all was, and he did admit that he was confused as well. I brought up to him that he really never uses the word divorce and its always something that "needs" to happen, as opposed to what he wants. There was other stuff that i said, but i don't really remember everything. It just makes no sense to me. Basically, he feels the only answer is D, even though he misses me, etc. I guess i feel like D is a drastic answer to trying to get the thoughts to stop. And i said that divorcing me wasn't going to make the pain and the thoughts go away.
Anyway, it was a nice morning. And, so often, i feel this incredible connection between us. I can't believe that he wants to give that up. I mean, to think about our conversations this week, and our interactions, i don't think anybody would believe that we were getting D. And i don't understand how you throw that away.
I said what i had to say. I spoke to an attorney on Friday, so i am not procrastinating. The attorney said it would be easy since we already had the separation agreement and that he didn't even have to meet with me. He told me to send him everything and we would just talk by phone. I let him know that I didn't want the D and that things in the papers weren't true. He said it really didn't matter. That filing on the basis of "extreme cruelty" was innocuous...it was just a reason and means nothing.
I just can't believe that it could be that easy. I mean, we planned our wedding for 2 years...how can a D just take a few months.
