Old thread locked up already...hope you guys find me here.
Thank you hope, c1t, firedragon, brava, flutter...i appreciate you all taking the time to respond.
Not much to report today. I continue my apartment search...it is very discouraging.
I haven't yet contacted an attorney...i think i will do that tomorrow. I will see H tonight, as we are getting our taxes done...we'll see how that goes. I think that we need to discuss the papers...either he is going to change things (like everything), or I will have to deny all of his charges. Will probably not be a pleasant conversation.
H called me yesterday about 5pm...he was home from work already. We chatted a bit. He is still sick, but he definitely sounded very weird...sad or melancholy or something...couldn't make it out. Again, he told me that he would pick me up tonight around 6pm for our appointment with the tax guy. Mind you, this is the third time (at least) that he has told me what time he would be picking me up. I tried to be upbeat (tough to do!). Told him i hoped he feels better, etc. I think he feels as if i have been giving him the brush-off the past few days. I did call him about 7pm...i was going to bring him some cookies that my grandmother makes, but there was no answer at home. That doesn't necessarily mean anything since he has the ringers turned off on all the phones in the house.
Got an email today from my MIL. She signed it with her name, instead of Mom. That was kind of hard. I don't think i have ever called her by her first name. I don't know if they know that he filed. It was just very weird.
Not really much to report. Everytime i look at those damn papers i want to throw up. The whole thing is just so surreal to me. I think i am just numb right now. I am not looking forward to any of this.
Thanks again everybody...i don't think i could do this without you!
I came across this song today by the Dixie Chicks and I thought the lyrics were appropriate:
I've sure enjoyed the rain but I'm looking forward to the sun You have to feel the pain when you lose the love you gave someone I thought by now the time would take away these lonely tears I hope you're doing fine all alone but where do I go from here 'cause Without you I'm not okay And without you I've lost my way My heart's stuck in second place Without you Well I never thought I'd be lying here without you by my side It seems unreal to me that the life you promised was a lie You made it look so easy making love into memories I guess you got what you wanted but what about me 'cause Without you I'm not okay And without you I've lost my way My heart's stuck in second place Without you Somebody tell my head to try to tell my heart That I'm better off without you 'Cause baby I can't live Without you I'm not okay And without you I've lost my way My heart's stuck in second place Without you.
Yes, I know this is depressing, but it just struck a chord with me. I also got the title for my new thread from the song.
Well, I'm sorry to hear your news, but you know what, maybe in order to detach successfully you might try to stop resisting (since it doesn't change much anyway just makes you exhausted), and accept you situation for what it is. Try not to judge, make conclusions or predictions for the future (such as without him I'll not be okay, and the like). Detachment is when you accept the situation and trust that whatever happens hapens for a good reason, and that the Universe is going to make it work for you in your best interests (even though you might not know yourself what they are). Remember, all these times when things looked really bad and yet something good came out of it?
Then again, I'm not the best cheerlaeder right now (I mean, just look at my sith). But that's what is helping me and I hope it can help you, too. By the way, there's a really good book called "Loving him without losing you". It's a very helpful book; and no, I'm not implying you're acting like a doormat or anything, it's just about how to really value and appreciate yourself and the rest will follow.
I'm in lower Westchester. But I can drive, you know
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
Just wanted to offer up my support to you today. I know you have to call a lawyer soon and that is not going to be easy to do, but it's just another bump in the road and you can get through this. I know this isn't what you want, believe me, but it's not over yet, ok?
By the way, why did your MIL email you?
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I found something today that helped to give me a sense of peace and I wanted to share it with you. It is about the art of letting go.
So the second thing we have to let go of is all of our judgements and values and ideas of what should be or what shouldn’t be. We should have no values, no judgements, no morals, no criticisms, no ideas of what is or should or shouldn’t be. None at all. Because if we have an idea of what is or what should or shouldn’t be we are making a judgement on something that is as it is, as God or as the Universe intended. It is as it is, and it is perfect as it is for the people who are involved in that scenario. That applies to us in our lives, but because it is a principle it applies equally to the people in a war crisis, for instance. And that’s where the understanding becomes really difficult to accept. You may say, “Hold on, this is not right” but it is, it’s right for them, and I’ll go back to a previous point. The angrier everybody gets about a situation, the worse it gets. This is not at all pleasant or emotionally intelligent but judging won’t improve it either; it will make it worse.
[. . .] Something that gives a depth of understanding is to recognize that the action is not the person. You can say that action is not good, but the person is perfect, they are perfect in as far as they have got in their own learning about life. We cannot possibly see what the master plan for the Universe is, so if we start judging and criticizing we are saying we know better than God, the universe, energy or whatever, and we don’t. We have to let go of the assumption that we know. Letting go
Basically it is about letting go of the pain, remembering that we all we have is right now and cannot control anyone else's choices. It gives perspective on how to handle the negative stuff.
Its funny, a few weeks ago, my horoscope talked about "detachment" and how i had to do it. I thought it was so interesting given my current situation. I am trying to remind myself that i will get through this. But, when you are in the middle of it, and all of the emotions are so raw, its hard to believe anything. I do believe that everything happens for a reason.
Hope - my MIL forwarded me some email that she got, but she wrote a little note at the top and signed it with her name. She did call me several weeks ago and left a message, and when she was getting off the phone, she did refer to herself as "mom." So, i guess she must know that something changed since then.
I know that it isn't over. I told my H how i had been looking for apartments, hoping that maybe he would see that i am starting to accept things. But, i don't know if he really cares. After i said it, he started talking about how lonely he feels and told me about some dream that he had where he had to do something all by himself and that he had no place to go. I don't know if i should believe him. My feeling is he is going to move in with ow and her kids. Although, i can't imagine my H living with 2 small children 24/7. But, whatever, that's his choice.
I do feel slightly better today (maybe 1%). I guess things are starting to sink in. I don't know.
I recognize the need for me to let go...of what was, what is, and what could've been. It isn't healthy for me to dwell on all of these things. I do have many happy memories of my H and our R. And i will always have them. I don't have many regrets, but there is really nothing i can do about what has happened in the past. The only thing i can do is learn from my mistakes.
Maybe one day my H will realize all that he has lost. But, i can't pin my hopes on someday. I can only deal with today's reality. I have been telling myself for months that i need to take this one day at a time, otherwise i get too anxious. So, i have to remind myself of that. Nobody knows what the future holds. So, i have to stop speculating.
There is a song, i think by Aerosmith, with these lyrics: "nothing lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change.
Its a shame that my H isn't willing to take a risk on me and our M. I'll never understand why. I don't think he understands it. He needs to deal with the consequences of his actions.
I know that i don't want to be miserable anymore. And it will probably take a while for me to get through those feelings. I am sure they will re-surface at significant times (birthdays, holidays, anniversaries). But, i will deal with that then. I do believe that this ordeal has made me stronger. I just hope that i can get through the next weeks and months, as i have a feeling that they will be the hardest i have ever experienced.
So much of what you wrote applies to me. I don't want this grand lesson of stregth, I just want my husband. But who am I to make demands on what he needs to do in his life?
Alot of times I think that if he comes out of this and truly deals with all of the chaos he has created that he will become a much stronger person, OR he will lose it more completely because he can't deal with reality. OR maybe he will continue hiding from himself and his actions and their consequences.
BUT, i don;t get to decide what lessons he will get. I have tried to talk to him about where this is coming from, what lessons life is trying to give him but obviously he can't hear anything I have to say on the issue.
So here I am, watching my husband throw away everything that he once knew as beautiful and seeking happiness outside of himself. I want to scream and shout, make him wake up but I guess I am realizing that when or if he wakes up he needs to do it on his own terms so that he can get the full lesson from his own truths, kwim?
I hate sitting back and feeling like this is "happening to me" Like I have no control. But so what, I have to believe that life gacve me this challenge for a reason. I may not appreciate it now, but hopefully soon.
Here is my brief update for today. H and I went to get our taxes done last night. He picked me up. Had a nice drive. During the drive, H said it was nice to see me and he reached over and held my hand. Got to our appointment. H was very nice, acting like nothing was wrong. At one point, he reached over and rubbed the back of head. We were talking while the accountant was doing his thing. I was telling H how my father was bribing me with money to eat over the weekend. H said "that's what i have to do...take you to dinner so you eat." ( ) He also said "you know what i was thinking about last week when i was in Florida?" I said no. He said, "that we should go to breakfast at (at this place we used to go)." I said, yeah, that's a good idea. We finished up and drove home. We were talking about being at the beach, and i was telling him something, and he said "i miss it there." I told him i missed having him there. He dropped me off. He called me about 11pm to thank me for the cookies (i had given him cookies that my grandma made). He said "it made me feel close to you." He said its hard, but he said "i wish i could open my eyes, and see you next to me. i would hold you so close to me." Now, I am trying not to cry, and i said i would like that. We continued to talk for a while. I did ask him again about breakfast...he said maybe we'd go this Saturday.
That was really it. Any feedback? Comments? I am utterly and completely confused
I have no advice. My stbX does the same thing. it is almost as if as soon as he realizes that I am going to be out of his life he reaches out, when I am in his life he pushes me away or picks fights.
I dunno, my only way to explain my H is that he has lost his mind. I hope someone else has some real advice for you.
) He also said "you know what i was thinking about last week when i was in Florida?" I said no. He said, "that we should go to breakfast at (at this place we used to go)." I said, yeah, that's a good idea. We finished up and drove home. We were talking about being at the beach, and i was telling him something, and he said "i miss it there." I told him i missed having him there. He dropped me off. He called me about 11pm to thank me for the cookies (i had given him cookies that my grandma made). He said "it made me feel close to you." He said its hard, but he said "i wish i could open my eyes, and see you next to me. i would hold you so close to me." Now, I am trying not to cry, and i said i would like that. We continued to talk for a while. I did ask him again about breakfast...he said maybe we'd go this Saturday.