winning the war, but losing every battle

[Stigmata]

Welcome back L.

From your responses to Cobra's comments on your wanting not to want:

Yup. That sounds about right. Not a pretty picture, either. But how do I change this stance?

- Internally. It's okay to want again. And want better. Sure, might get heart broken again but we'll never control it; only our responses to it if OP do the breaking. Chance we're all taking. Thats why it's such a damned wild ride.

What are *you* doing about it, to the extent that this reflects your sitch and state of mind?

Whatever doesn't make you stronger, kills you. And it feels as though my ability to love and trust have been destroyed by a series of betrayals, large and small.

- Same here, Landica. But you know what? You're damned strong. You toughed out law school and are strong/assertive in your career. In your personal life, you were betrayed by an best friend and and an "unworthy" lover. Unworthy since he couldn't reciproccate your deep deep love. They both set you up for the first pain of losing an best friend. You set yourself up for the second pain of also losing an lover...only because you couldn't see into Steve's heart. Again, goes to the taking a chance and "wanting."

And you got both barrels from them. But know what? You survived it and carried on. Yep, sounds strong to me.

We have to forget about our past betrayals. Rear view mirror. And want again...knowing we could get our hearts stomped on again as we take the wild ride.

I'm a shadow of the person I was ten years ago. And I think of that person, who loved and trusted so easily with regret and with longing.

- No. The person you were ten years ago is a shadow of who you are right now. You exist corporeally in the here and now and are much stronger and wiser than she ever was. "She" is the ethereal 10-year old shadow, formless, of no substance, and in the past.

Who would cope better with future heartbreak? You as you are now or her as she was with all of her trust and inocence? I think we both know that answer. She ended up in the hospital over Steve. I don't see Landica of today ever reaching that point again. Because she's strong and wise.

Finally, I just wanted to say I am feeling all of these feelings you are having as well. I am aware of regrets creeping in and longing for things to be as they were long ago.

But that life is over; the happy paradigm ended. Time to start a new paradigm either with my/your x or someone else. Reliving our pasts only causes us to suffer unnecessarily since we have no humanly way of ever going back and reliving who we were then today or bringing that person forward to the present--while conveniently skipping over all of the pain.

Wish we could, yes. Can't. So we deal and live for today.

And, yes, want the best for ourselves; and owe it to ourselves not to settle for anything less. No do-overs. We only have this one shot on this Earth to live an full life full of chances and risks. Since always living to avoid such, ie, opting for the seemingly safe" path, is the fear-based path of "whew! Glad I made it to the end of my life pretty intact. My knees were shaking but I somehow survived and avoided a lot of potentially scary stuff even if that stuff would have given me a better life if I had participated."

...instead of, "Damn! What an heart-pounding wild ride that was. Can't say I dind't have an intense, full life. I feel exhilirated. I'm glad I dropped my fear and took that risk and jumped in with both feet. No regrets. Let me in through those Pearly Gates now, St. Peter." (or into the arms of 72 virgins or Nirvana or The Elysian Fields blah blah or whatever one's bent)

-Stigmata-