This very conversation came up last night with my W. She does not trust me because she thinks I twist and distort the truth when relaying events to our counselor. I tell both her and the counselor that what I say is purely from my point of view and is my reality. If my wife disagrees, then she can put forth her version, but since she saw it through her filters, I cannot know what she saw or thought was important. W wants me to accurately portray both sides of the issue. She thinks I make it sound like most of the problem is her fault, that I did nothing wrong and she is the one causing the problems. I told her that is impossible for me to be unbiased like she wants, and she needs to state her side. So she says I am lying, can’t be trusted and therefore she can’t create any feelings of intimacy toward me.
I told her that the fact she wants to argue over facts of what happened is exactly what Schnarch says on p.108 (I posted this on Happy Giant’s thread):
“Expecting trust, validation, and shared reality only encourages fights about “what really happened.” If you and your partner are constantly fighting about “reality,” you’re probably dependent on other-validated intimacy and you’re really arguing about whose reality will become the dominant reality and whose anxieties will prevail.”
This statement implies that she is as enmeshed as I am and the fact that I am not reflecting her reality (which makes her look bad, at least in her mind) has more to do with her than with me. I see this as a basic problem for any couple and in order for us to avoid this common problem, we need to communicate more. I have no problem admitting to her version of reality, if I know what that is. When we do talk, she seems to become much happier afterward, partly I think, because she feels like she has been heard.
So my job is to validate her as much as I can to relieve this insecurity, hoping that she will lower her defenses and begin to differentiate. She also wants me to critique myself and admit to my issues (which I did again last night). But I need to be careful about opening up. She has a tendency to ask for these kinds of things to use as ammunition against me later. Then she fails to own up to her stuff. Like I said before, with my wife, I need to maintain a certain level of “power” because otherwise she is content to stay stuck and not move at all. She is the avoider in the relationship and therefore yields more power. I need to maintain certain inducements to keep her engaged.
The problem with this strategy is that it keeps me too enmeshed with her. Were it not for the kids, I would really not care whether she gets upset with my version of the truth or not. So for now, we each state what we believe and leave it at that, trying to not get too upset over it. What I can do is to just keep in mind she is like that untamed dog, Blackfoot mentioned regarding the “Dog Whisperer.” She is yanking at the leash. As I am able to better see this, I can slowly lessen my anxiety and anger and just sit back and let her dance around by herself.
