As I continually analyze MLC, I believe that those who are the extreme cases, had childhoods where they did not learn how to deal with conflict and emotional feelings.
They were taught and told to stop their crying, quit complaining, and that all emotional feelings were not valid. Basically, they were taught that you shouldn't be feeling what your feeling. That there was something wrong with you if it brought you to a point of crying. Crying was a bad thing. Speaking up for what you were feeling was a bad thing. What they learned was to supprerss their emotional pain and pretend it didn't exist. Many learned to puit of the "Happy face" even though inside of them was filled with anger and resentment for not being able to truly express their feelings.
They learned coping skills versus problem solving skills. They learned to run, hide and live in a world of denial about their pain. Instead of facing their pain head on and learning about themselves and what was the root cause of the pain.
Feelings of insecurity and not being good enough or feeling loved and appreciated were running wild within them as children. As an adult, they finally explode and attempt to take charge of their lives by demanding to be in control at all costs and disregard to others. their pain has reached such a boiling point that they are blinded by all the harm they are doing to others around them. There only concern and focus is to make their pain go away, evn if it causes pain to others.
So what does the MLC spouse do? They set out on a "feel good" path. They begin doing anything and everything that makes them feel good. They look for quiuck fixes or a dose of "feel good" everyday. Be it by drinking, shopping, gambling or losing yourself in the euphoria of a bew love relationship. They enter the world of "la la land." Where everything is wondeful, and it's because they have finally taken control of their life and their own happiness.
It is their duty, or to some, their right to protect this new found good feeling at all cost. To strike back at anyone who challenges them and their new discovery of happiness.
The MLC spouse looks at those closest to them as controlling and the root of all their pain. Any attempts by the LBS spouse to control them or their thinking when it comes to saving the marriage, is to be fought with all force and furry from their buried pain.
The LBS begins to look and act just like the MLC parents when growing up, at least in the eyes of the MLC spouse. The LBS is now enemy . Any attempts to control will be met with anger and hurtful words to get the LBS to back off.
It is deffinetly crazy times while the MLC and LBS do their continual dance. The lesson for all the LBS is, to stop doing the dance. It is only making things worse.
You were very fortunate in having such great teachers as your parents snodderly. The only way to rid yourself of pain is to work through it. Face it head on, as it will no dissapear inb time.
The old saying, "time heals all wounds," to me is only half true. Time can help, but only if you choose to face the pain, deal with it, understand the root of it, and then begin the healing process. All which takes time. And not to forget, great PATIENCE.
