Hmm, a little busy and stressful today. D10 was very needy and I was very patient.
W called from her trip and I made sure not to answer the phone and instead let D15 do it. She talked to D15, then asked for D10. Then said bye. Didn't ask to talk to me.
D15 said she was bored and kinda 'blah' in her conversation.
I feel kinda bad, she talked to me last nite but now I think that was only because she wanted to talk about D10 being unhappy.
I don't get it. But I'll be ok. I just feel hurt a little.
Quote: I feel kinda bad, she talked to me last nite but now I think that was only because she wanted to talk about D10 being unhappy.
Just remember to nake take is 'personal.' Don't allow your thoughts to try to 'create' reasons why she spoke to you last night and not tonight. Only she knows.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
W came home late last nite. I left a note on her bed that said we misssed her and the house was empty without her presence, and to sleep well.
This morning she thanked me for the note with a big smile on her face. I'm sure she felt appreciated, which is what I was doing.
Rest of the morning she has been pleasant, talked about a few small things about her trip but not much else. She needed some help with her computer and asked me to come into her room, I helped and nothing interesting happened. Continued distant like before she left. At least it's not any worse.
I'm keeping detached and calm but loving when the opportunity shows up. I've also been very grounded this morning. So, she has at least come home to a non-needy, grounded, caring, solid man who left her a note of appreciation the nite before.
I actually have kept busy, and haven't seen her much. I used to follow her around and ask questions, trying to see 'where she is at'. Definatly a 180.
I am planning on leaving to be out of the house today and working in my office, I think it continues to send her the "I'm ok without you" message.
Yesterday Counselor said not to take these things as having any meaning about her feelings towards me. She's into herself right now and isn't really looking outside herself for anything. Trying to fill her own cup.
I recall so many other DB'ers saying this - they come and go then eventually 'stay'.
C said I should just get into the 'flow' and stop resisting it. I'm still 'expecting' and 'trying' and really need to be myself, and let down those things blocking me from being myself around her, the 'approval seeking' blockages.
Or as she said, 'what is it you need to let go of still?". And that is 'fear'. Being afraid I might say or do the wrong thing to her. I can talk to anyone else in the world without that fear, except her. So how can she see the real me under those circumstances?
But of course it comes with risk. Being vulnerable, maybe getting hurt more. But that's living, isn't it?
Besides, I'm ok now. She'll either love me or she won't, but I'll love me for sure, and so will my kids. And Counselor said "If W lives with you and you become this conduit of strength, love and light then I would find it amazing if she could walk away from that person. If she does walk away, then you have comfort knowing that it's her feelings about herself that are causing that to happen. And there are many other women who would be thrilled to meet a man like that.
So, that 'fear' I have is part of trying to control her still, and needing her approval. So, I'm going to work on ridding myself of it. And I may start a 'waiting list' for women who might be potential life partners in case she foolishly let's me escape!
So pass this around to your friends!
The LIST --------
Name ------------------ Mental State 1) 2) 3) 4) 5)
Wow, my anxiety is through the roof right now. I'm constructing all kinds of scenarios in my head like "she met someone new" or "she didn't miss me, or even really the kids, so she knows she can be 'single' without being dependent on me" or the most destructive one:
"Her current state of 'detachment' from me for the past 2-3 weeks is her slowly moving away and she's never going to come closer again."
I just don't get the whole 'back in the tunnel' thing. I'm trying to find a similar place in my life where I might have been like that and I can't. So I don't get it. What is she thinking about or is she thinking about anything? How can she still act like she doesn't have any feelings for me? OM is gone, I'm very changed, what's the problem?
Crap. I did so well all week and I SET EXPECTATIONS that she would at least come back and want to hug me or something. But, she didn't pay any attention to me at all. What is that all about?
I know, I know, my Counselor and Psych both have told me she is 'processing'. What is that really?
I'm not giving up all hope, I'm just in a state of confusion and anxiety. WHY do I let my feelings be so influenced by her? That is the LAST thing about me I have to change before I will be 'complete'.
I've done ALL the work, ALL that has been asked of me. Why doesn't she want me now? Argggg!
I know this is not about me but, I feel the way I feel.
What the hell happened to make you flip out like this? All right that is IT. No more handling you with kid gloves, Frank.
Frank, this woman is in the middle of the crisis of her life. All too well, I do relate to her in many ways. I am so sorry you are not getting the instant gratification you need or even the gratification you need in a reasonably short period of time. One thing though, I do understand why I was thinking about you earlier. I was wondering how long you have been married? It's over ten years isn't it? Yeah. So Frank, all things considered AND I DO MEAN ALL THINGS, 5 months, 6 months or 12 freakin months is a drop in the damn bucket compared to what you have shared and what you are trying to save. LET HER BE. Get a life, Frank. Let the woman process. It means exactly what it sounds like. She's contemplating, she's remembering, she's considering, she's WATCHING YOU, she's grasping, she's learning, she's growing, she's getting to know herself, Frank. LET HER.
You need to stop waiting for her to turn to you and say "honey, we are fine. Let's go on with our lives". You are in a holding pattern, Frank. And you know what, that is okay. Do you know that without the benefit of ANY support my husband waited for me, FOUGHT for me, for over 15 months! He had NO ONE. No message boards and no friends close enough that he confided in. You have been here as long as I have, Frank. About 6 months. Why is everyone in such a hurry to get this over with? Don't you understand how much better SHE (and therefore YOU) will be once she completes this cycle?
With all the years we all have invested in our marriages, I think the LEAST we can do is hang in there longer than 5 or 6 months.
Frank, instead of raging against this, maybe you could embrace it for the gift it may very well end up to be.
What the hell happened to make you flip out like this? All right that is IT. No more handling you with kid gloves, Frank.
It's a phase, it'll pass. It's the 'other' battle I'm fighting. The one I was fighting the past few years. Depression, anxiety. Sometimes my interactions with HER trigger that battle and then I'm destabilized for a few hours. That's where this anxiety is coming from. I NEED. Still working on that one.
Quote: Frank, instead of raging against this, maybe you could embrace it for the gift it may very well end up to be.
I'm not raging, I'm whining. Big difference. I'm in a very insecure mood, and I'm "constructing all kinds of scenarios in my head".
I'm nowhere NEAR where I was a week or so ago after she 'cut me off' from the emotional connection.
As usual, I do need a good thrashing from you. It is sooo hard for me to believe she cares sometimes because I don't get the 'processing' part.
Well, like I said, I'm nowhere near 'giving up' or angry at her. Just having a sudden anxiety attack and being too analytical. I'll be ok. I just need to hear positive stuff right now.
Thanks for the clarification about her side of things. It helps.
Quote: I just need to hear positive stuff right now.
Sorry I couldn't give you that, Frank. I can tell you this will positively be over one day though.
You didn't remark on what I think was most important, that after investing so many years in our marriages, we can make it through this short trial. And it will be short in comparison to all those good years, Frank. AND the good years to come.
Quote: You didn't remark on what I think was most important, that after investing so many years in our marriages, we can make it through this short trial. And it will be short in comparison to all those good years, Frank. AND the good years to come.
Yes, I know we have invested a lot into our marriages, both her and me. And these are short trials.
I'm reacting to her, which is bringing me way down.
She's very, very distant and aloof. Hasn't touched me in any way, and is speaking to me in very 'polite' sentences, like you would talk to someone you don't know very well, or at least have no real feelings for. For example, after dinner she said in a very pleasant but polite way "Thank you for being my companion for dinner tonite".
What??? It's like she's a space alien again.
She did tell me that she needed to go for a drive to release a bunch of 'crap' that she said built up inside her this week. On this trip she really didn't have any time to herself to decompress each day. So I guess she is PROCESSING and this has nothing to do with me. (our mantra).
I know it doesn't have anything to do with me but it unnerves me when she's like this because it reminds me of when OM was in the picture, she was like this then.
I'm just whining. Both my counselor and my Psych told me this week that she will vasselate back and forth, towards me and away from me. And it has nothing to do with me, and I shouldn't be concerned.
I just need to express my fears and that's all. I'll find time to cry them out tonite and I'll feel better.
Quote: You can do this.
I know I can. My Counselor told me yesterday that I should be GRATEFUL for how things have gone so far. I have been blessed by OM being gone, having intimacy with W for a week and the fact that she isn't doing anything concrete on the divorce track, and she is really pondering her life. Even thinking about me and how fun our life was at times.
Gotta focus on the positives! I wish I wasn't fighting two battles at the same time. I will be so glad when the depression and anxiety is gone forever. It keeps knocking me down and hurting my ability to DB.
Frank, I'm trying to finish reading all your threads, but I jumped ahead to your latest post just to see where you are now. Your strength and patience are amazing. You're right, you need to focus on the positives. There are many in your sitch.
Where does your energy come from? To be dealing with your life and yet still be able to find time to help others like myself here?
NewJohn
Me: 44
W: 41
S15
Together 25 years- Married 22
My situation
