W came home late last nite. I left a note on her bed that said we misssed her and the house was empty without her presence, and to sleep well.
This morning she thanked me for the note with a big smile on her face. I'm sure she felt appreciated, which is what I was doing.
Rest of the morning she has been pleasant, talked about a few small things about her trip but not much else. She needed some help with her computer and asked me to come into her room, I helped and nothing interesting happened. Continued distant like before she left. At least it's not any worse.
I'm keeping detached and calm but loving when the opportunity shows up. I've also been very grounded this morning. So, she has at least come home to a non-needy, grounded, caring, solid man who left her a note of appreciation the nite before.
I actually have kept busy, and haven't seen her much. I used to follow her around and ask questions, trying to see 'where she is at'. Definatly a 180.
I am planning on leaving to be out of the house today and working in my office, I think it continues to send her the "I'm ok without you" message.
Yesterday Counselor said not to take these things as having any meaning about her feelings towards me. She's into herself right now and isn't really looking outside herself for anything. Trying to fill her own cup.
I recall so many other DB'ers saying this - they come and go then eventually 'stay'.
C said I should just get into the 'flow' and stop resisting it. I'm still 'expecting' and 'trying' and really need to be myself, and let down those things blocking me from being myself around her, the 'approval seeking' blockages.
Or as she said, 'what is it you need to let go of still?". And that is 'fear'. Being afraid I might say or do the wrong thing to her. I can talk to anyone else in the world without that fear, except her. So how can she see the real me under those circumstances?
But of course it comes with risk. Being vulnerable, maybe getting hurt more. But that's living, isn't it?
Besides, I'm ok now. She'll either love me or she won't, but I'll love me for sure, and so will my kids. And Counselor said "If W lives with you and you become this conduit of strength, love and light then I would find it amazing if she could walk away from that person. If she does walk away, then you have comfort knowing that it's her feelings about herself that are causing that to happen. And there are many other women who would be thrilled to meet a man like that.
So, that 'fear' I have is part of trying to control her still, and needing her approval. So, I'm going to work on ridding myself of it. And I may start a 'waiting list' for women who might be potential life partners in case she foolishly let's me escape!
So pass this around to your friends!
The LIST --------
Name ------------------ Mental State 1) 2) 3) 4) 5)
