Well, todays meeting with Counselor really was about me. About past issues with others and how I dealt with them, and why I stayed where I did for so long. But more so about being able to recognize the 'light' from the 'dark', or as others might say 'those who are good' from 'those who would use you or harm you'. I always could sense that in people but I didn't trust myself to be right. Now I do.
We talked a LITTLE about W and the recent lack of interaction we've been having. Her feeling was that W is trying her best to be 'in business WITHOUT Frank'. So, she's really having a lot on her mind and a lot of introspection. She's taking each day as it comes, trying not to look into the future. She has done that too much, sees her life as it 'might' be instead of living it as it 'is'.
The disconnect from me is really because she DOESN'T know how she feels. The time we spent together a few weeks ago gave her a 'new frame of reference' for me. Instead of her frame of reference being 'depressed, drinking Frank' she has a new view of me. A more positive one.
Her backing off from me, says C, isn't her pushing me away as much as it is her putting her energies into herself. Kind of like building a little coccoon around herself in hopes that the butterfly will come out.
When I'm detached, she does miss me as was evidenced by the calling me at my office when D15 had 'issues' and telling me that she missed my presence. She did NOT have to call me then, it was a 'temperature reading' to make sure I was "still there". Same with 'Lets hang out and watch TV' on Saturday. Temperature reading, "is Frank still there?"
And she doesn't feel the 'in love' feeling with me like she thought she felt with OM. C says that she is going through her process of learning what love is, and that she has to grow up to be able to have a 'mature' view of love, not the 'Hollywood' view.
Also, W is still processing the things I said to her weeks ago, that "I don't want to be married to someone who can't take care of themself". I didn't realize this was still in her head, but apparently it is still bothering her.
C said that when two people are around each other, and miss each others presence when they are not around each other INSTEAD of having the NEED to be around them, then most sane people will NOT push the other away from them. And it looks like that's where we are at right now. She does miss my presence and I'm missing her, not needing her.
And her feeling is THAT is where we are heading. She pointed out to me that I wasn't speaking about W in terms of what I NEEDED from her (to love ME, to be nice to ME) but I was saying that I just missed her being around, and that I realized that I'll make a pretty good single dad if I have to be.
So, her comment is that "you are both looking inside yourselves, working to find that person who you really are and to care for yourselves."
And she said (quite proudly I might add) "Instead of YOU looking at the past and punishing yourself for it, and HER looking at the future and being afraid of it, you are BOTH in the PRESENT. I finally got you both in the SAME place at the SAME time".
And, she's right. I'm done with the past, not sure about the future, and living in the present. W is done with her fantasy futures, re-examining the past for the 'good' that was in it, and living in the present, day by day.
I think that what scares me is that I just don't know what to do. Because there is NOTHING to be done. Just live life and see how it unfolds. For me, that seems crazy. You gotta have a plan! Now, my plan is to not have a plan.
I still have a little 'needyness' but it's slowly fading away. I just kinda miss her, and I think she kinda misses me. Secretly, I want her to call me and say "I miss you! I love you! I need you!" but in reality, it's not time yet. She has to 'know' that she doesn't need me to take care of her. When she knows this, she can let herself want me instead. And that wouldn't be a bad choice.
Counselor told me that she thinks it's just a matter of time now. I have a stronger presence, and she isn't needy. A much better place to be.
Oh, and she told me that she noticed I haven't said how I feel about the 'end' of her communications with OM. I hadn't thought about it, I was glad he was gone from the picture but hadn't felt 'grateful' for it. But I am grateful. He was removed from being an influence pretty quickly in the scheme of things. It could have gone on for much longer but it didn't. I guess her point is that I should be grateful that God or 'the universe' is helping out and it should give me strength to know I'm not alone in this journey.
