Quote: I Do hope you see this for what it was. You are on the right track with her.
Take care of THE GIRLS. Your wife is on her own.
I think she likely exaggerated the girls issues too. Yes, they missed you but the fact that SHE misses you and SHE can't comfort THEM - ONLY YOU CAN - is the BIGGER issue.
Yes, I read that too. She wouldn't have had to call me if SHE was enough support for them.
Her point with D10 was that she was fine till D15 got whiny. D10 does that sometimes, competes for attention.
As far as D15 being worried about ME falling apart and drinking while mom is away on another massage trip, I don't think that is it at all. I think D15 is worried what mom will do THIS TIME when she comes back. Last time she destroyed the family. D15 never liked her going on these trips because she always came back acting different.
This trip is purely business so I don't expect anything to happen. D15 doesn't really understand that though. She also doesn't know that there was an OM at the last one. OM has never been known to the kids.
W is very worried about this trip since it's part of her 'new business'.
Also got a chance to talk to Counselor for 5 minutes. She agreed with my analysis of D15's fears. She also hinted that W is 'coming out of her fog'. I got a whole bunch of 'appreciation comments' from W and C said that would make sense because the past few days I have not been doing things for her.
C's impression is that it is becoming more apparent that there actually WAS good stuff in our marriage. Who would have thought? Wasn't it 100% bad?
W has called me a couple times today. She has been very melancholy all the time. Something is up with her. I noticed that she has been helping D10 put together a scrapbook with family photos of D10 growing up, and of course they have Mom and Dad in them a lot.
Well, another day of downers. W is still very much in the blahs. She wanted me to hang out with her today and watch tv, movies, whatever. Just do nothing. I did on and off but even I get bored being - well - boring.
Other than her ruffling my hair or a few small touches or pats here and there she has kept her distance. Sometimes she smiled or joked, most of the time she is just blah.
I sat on the couch with her some of the time tonite. I think she wanted to ask me to rub her feet or hoped I would offer. But I didn't, and she didn't ask.
When it was bedtime I joking offered to help her warm upher bed but she said no.
I know I am silently hoping for some kind of 'sign' but seeing nothing. I would say we are pleasant to each other, not trying to be distant or close, just present. It's like she just doens't want to reach out to me for anything.
It's been 3 weeks now since we spent quality time together or had anything close to intimacy. Now we just exist in a very melancholy way.
But, that's what counselor said was happening next - she is coming out of the fog and doesn't have any of her life intact any more. She still goes through the same routines, but the feelings aren't there - I'm not there - the kids aren't there. Not the way they used to be.
She's pretty much changed all our lives and now the life she has isn't the one she fantasized about. Now the 'old' life doesn't look like it was so terrible I guess.
She's leaving tomorrow afternoon on this 4 day business trip. As I have said, I plan on not talking to her while she is gone, just let her call to talk to the girls and I'll be 'busy'. I want to see how she misses me - if at all.
One thing thst has been on my mind. Since she has been living in her own room, she has this crappy fold away bed tht sags in the middle. It's really starting to hurt her back and neck all the time - she put the mattress on the floor just to get better support. Of course I have the master bedroom with the nice bed.
She can't afford the $200 it might cost for a decent twin bed. I'm thinking of buying one while she is gone this week and just putting it there for her. What do you think? COunselor has said she has to exeprience the consequences of her actions, but I think this isn't necessary for it to continue, I think the world won't be shattered if I give her a bed. I feel so bad to see her sore every day.
I know, I'm caretaking her. But it's a nice thing to do.
Still detaching. Still keeping distance with an occasional flirty moment, but very few. I'm still cool. I'll be ok.
Well, this morning W was nervous about leaving for her massage training / business trip today. I was annoyed by her 'taking over' and telling me what to make for dinner, and she would go to the store to get things, etc. etc.
It's like she thinks I can't figure these things out on my own.
I kind of took it personally, and went in my room to listen to some music for a little while. She went to the store and came back with the various groceries. Then packed up her stuff and got ready to leave.
She said she was sorry we had argued this morning and I told her it was because I was taking it personally, and I was sorry too. She said she was really nervous about this trip.
She came over and gave me a long hug, then she left.
At first, I was hurt, thinking about the LAST trip in October and how our lives have changed because of OM she met there. This trip is nothing like that, totally different kind of people and enviroment.
I also think she worries that while she is gone so long (more than a day) that I will go back to old behaviors, drinking and such. Not going to happen, but I'm sure she worries.
So, sort of a bad beginning to 4 days of growth ahead of me, and her. I'm sure she'll call each day to talk to D10 before bed, and D10 will call her. I'm going to make sure I do not answer thephone, let the kids do that. And I'll try hard NOT to be available to talk. I want her to feel what it means to not have me there for support. I hope it continues to wake her up.
And, I hope her trip goes well and helps her move forward with her business.
Hang in there, Frank. Her ivory tower is crashing. I read your post to Shark earlier about your wife and her counseling session. A breakthrough is coming. Wait and see. I sense a bitter root trying to take hold of your heart. Don't let it happen, Frank. Things are changing, just not according to your preferred timeframe.
There is Someone Who knows better than you do and He's got this under control.
Quote: Hang in there, Frank. Her ivory tower is crashing. I read your post to Shark earlier about your wife and her counseling session. A breakthrough is coming. Wait and see. I sense a bitter root trying to take hold of your heart. Don't let it happen, Frank. Things are changing, just not according to your preferred timeframe.
Maybe her 'Ivory Tower' is crashing, but that doesn't mean that she'll see our marriage as an option again. Heck, I don't know WHAT it means.
I guess if I was on the outside looking in, I'd say the past week she has been 'introspective'. Very quiet when she's around me, seems a little depressed, or angry at times. But overall she's just 'blah'. I stopped 'initiating' even the smallest things over a week ago. She initiates pretty much nothing.
I guess I could say that the whole trip coming up has been heavy on her mind. I know she's scared she will screw up the opportunity she's been given by either pissing them off, or coming across as too weak. I think if you add the 'what should I do with my life, how do I really feel about Frank?' , 'What about divorce?' issues and she's got a lot on her mind.
Now, me of course being where I am at, which is still barely out of my own depression and stuff, I'm having all kinds of anxiety. Thoughts like 'did she leave to go today while still mad at me?' or 'What if she doesn't miss me at all?' or 'Maybe this is all part of her growing apart from me' and the usual crap. I'm still pretty fragile at times - It's only been a month since I actually gave MYSELF any care.
I keep feeling like I'm in the 'calm before the storm'. I hope not. At least this isn't as bad as her going to see OM was. Now that was pain.
You know Frank I wonder at times if waiting is the wrong thing to do.
Just sometimes.
I think to myself like tonight while all alone in a one bedroom apartment what am I doing. Then the next second, well you get the picture.
Is waiting the right thing to do or shocking my wife with papers. Just a thought. But I guess you have to be prepaired to move along if you are going to do that. But is that DB'ing success or failure.
I just think at a certain time on my clock I should throw in the towel and go be happy. After only 1 month of truly detaching I should stop crying over this. Its only been since December 05 and that is nothing compaired to others. OM,? Frank, cant say it would have been good. Glad I did not go through that for sure. So I will see what tomorrow brings and move forward. The hardest part is could tommorrow be the day or not? There is always tomorrow...
Quote: You know Frank I wonder at times if waiting is the wrong thing to do.
'Waiting' and not moving forward through life is the wrong thing to do. That's where I get stuck a lot. I don't move. I stay frozen in my life. But I do know I NEED to give it all the time it needs. I would hate myself if I ever learned that I was a week or so from her figuring this all out.
Quote: I think to myself like tonight while all alone in a one bedroom apartment what am I doing. Then the next second, well you get the picture.
Yeah, me too. Sometimes I think I WOULD LIKE TO BE all alone in a one bedroom apt. That way at least I wouldn't see W all the time, and have to live through the days when it hurts to be so close, and unwanted. But then, I'd really miss the girls. They are upset enough when I work late now...
Quote: Is waiting the right thing to do or shocking my wife with papers. Just a thought.
Sometimes I just want to say 'here, lets do this NOW'. I told Counselor last week that I was in a place where I felt so out of control, so rejected by her that I could see myself being the filer. It's like I want to slap her into reality and say 'Sh*t, or get off the pot!'. Do SOMETHING. Anything. It's like I'm 'just here'. Sometimes invisible.
But then, I can see how she must have felt, when I was in my place of confusion in my life. I didn't talk much, I just wallowed in my indecision. She wanted me to pay attention to her but I didn't. She didn't know how I felt about her then. I don't know how she feels about me now. It all makes some kind of sense to me now.
Quote: I just think at a certain time on my clock I should throw in the towel and go be happy.
Go be 'happy' now. Being happy shouldn't be based on her being there or not. Easy for me to say, I feel the same way you do. I DO know that there will be a limit on how long I will be content being 'alone'. It won't be 'years', that's for sure.
Will tomorrow be 'the day'? I don't think there is a 'day'. I think the 'wake up' happens over the course of a week. AmyC may have more to say about that.
W called about an hour ago from her hotel. She sounded very 'up' and glad to be there. Good to hear that. She talked to me for all of a minute then asked to talk to the girls. I felt bad, but then she pretty much always did that on other trips - She's usually rushed and wants to give the girls as much time as she can. She knows I can take care of myself emotionally.
But, of course I feel rejected. I need to stop that.
Hey Frank, I just went through your threads. I remember reading them when I was overseas. Our sitches are a bit similar. We still live at home except that W has filed for D already and it will be final at the end of April. She said same line to me about she is sure that she wants a divorce. She has made comments...maybe 2-3 about looking for an apt. Haven't heard anything about finding one or actually going out and looking for one. I'm rambling....sorry.
I feel like I'm on a fence trying to balance also. I 180 frequently and am in contact with W daily at home. No ML or anything even remote close to a kiss since I left in Sept. She had told friends before I came back that she was going to wait til I got back about a divorce...well, to a certain extent , she was right...4 days! Then the BIG D!....For me, it seems like I have the plague or herpes or something....she is very careful not to rub up against me or have to walk TO near me.....it is like she is afraid to get near me, if you know what I mean. I have not had a peck on the cheek or anything since I got back. She automatically starting sleeping in D12's room the first night I got back. It's like if she touches me or kisses me or anything to that extent...she may change her mind????
Hey Frank, I think there are a lot of us in this same spot you are right now. Tired of waiting, tired of getting nothing back, tired of feeding off the crumbs. Ready to throw in the towel, but can't let go of the end. You know what happens when you throw the towel but don't let go of the end? it snaps! it makes a pop and gets the other persons attention.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
