Well, another day of downers. W is still very much in the blahs. She wanted me to hang out with her today and watch tv, movies, whatever. Just do nothing. I did on and off but even I get bored being - well - boring.
Other than her ruffling my hair or a few small touches or pats here and there she has kept her distance. Sometimes she smiled or joked, most of the time she is just blah.
I sat on the couch with her some of the time tonite. I think she wanted to ask me to rub her feet or hoped I would offer. But I didn't, and she didn't ask.
When it was bedtime I joking offered to help her warm upher bed but she said no.
I know I am silently hoping for some kind of 'sign' but seeing nothing. I would say we are pleasant to each other, not trying to be distant or close, just present. It's like she just doens't want to reach out to me for anything.
It's been 3 weeks now since we spent quality time together or had anything close to intimacy. Now we just exist in a very melancholy way.
But, that's what counselor said was happening next - she is coming out of the fog and doesn't have any of her life intact any more. She still goes through the same routines, but the feelings aren't there - I'm not there - the kids aren't there. Not the way they used to be.
She's pretty much changed all our lives and now the life she has isn't the one she fantasized about. Now the 'old' life doesn't look like it was so terrible I guess.
She's leaving tomorrow afternoon on this 4 day business trip. As I have said, I plan on not talking to her while she is gone, just let her call to talk to the girls and I'll be 'busy'. I want to see how she misses me - if at all.
One thing thst has been on my mind. Since she has been living in her own room, she has this crappy fold away bed tht sags in the middle. It's really starting to hurt her back and neck all the time - she put the mattress on the floor just to get better support. Of course I have the master bedroom with the nice bed.
She can't afford the $200 it might cost for a decent twin bed. I'm thinking of buying one while she is gone this week and just putting it there for her. What do you think? COunselor has said she has to exeprience the consequences of her actions, but I think this isn't necessary for it to continue, I think the world won't be shattered if I give her a bed. I feel so bad to see her sore every day.
I know, I'm caretaking her. But it's a nice thing to do.
Still detaching. Still keeping distance with an occasional flirty moment, but very few. I'm still cool. I'll be ok.
