There isn't anything anyone has said the past couple days that I took in a negative way.
For those of you who have experience with someone in a depression, let me explain that even in the low state of emotion I had been in, I could still outperform most average engineers and still be considered a great asset to my clients. I am an extreme 'Type A' personality who is driven to succeed. But I hated myself and I drank every night so I would not feel the pain. Now I don't drink and I don't hate myself.
And, because of my strong and nurturing personality I have a tendancy to attract people who are 'needy'. And not set boundaries. My W is one of those people.
I have been fighting TWO battles. The one to pull myself up out of the hole I was in and the one to survive the destruction of my marriage and save my wife from her own emotional self destruction. To carry the kids and her through the Xmas holidays while she was falling apart, and to pick her up after her OM turned out to be a loser, an emotional predator, and hurt her badly.
In the past day of posting and yelling I had to 'vomit' up the anger, the hurt, the frustration with W and how I see that she has been pulling me down for years with her neediness. All the things she has done are indicative of her past behaviors. She is needy, and doesn't know how to be in a relationship. She is codependent. She is lost.
She came towards me 2 weeks ago, we shared several days of intimacy, caring. Then she suddenly shut it off. I spent the past week or so totally disoriented. Then, the past few days I realized that part of my growth and healing of MYSELF meant that I had to choose between W or I. Who would I save?
I can only save one of us right now. If I save ME, perhaps there will be others in my life who I will have the privilege to inspire, and teach. Perhaps W will be inspired or see what she has lost. Perhaps I will do 'great things' with my life.
If I continue to work so hard to save her, to save our 'marriage', I will lose both battles. So I had to REALLY get angry and REALLY show myself how my efforts have gone unacknowledged by her. Not because she is heartless and cruel, but because she is blind.
And, here is a realization I had with Counselor today: Remember that OM was an emotional predator who lives off the emotions of women. Well, during that period of time, especially Xmas time, she was getting most of her support from ME, and he was getting his stuff from HER. So, in reality, he was taking energy from ME, and she was the conduit.
Kind of sick.
So, I will quit trying to do things that will 'get her to change'. We all call it detaching, and that word suits me fine. Being a 'problem solver' I HAD to list all the reasons she did NOT deserve me so I can see that the problem is not mine to solve. As I said, "God can have her, and good luck".
Of course I still love her, and I think there is a better way for her to grow than the path she has chosen. Since I KNOW what I did wrong in this relationship, I KNOW what to do (or not) to enable her to heal and grow while IN the relationship. Until she sees that though, I have to save myself. I had to see that she IS LOST by venting 'out loud' the facts about who she is, and what she has been doing in my posts. So I COULD SEE IT MYSELF.
I don't hate her, I hate what she's doing, and what she's done. I forgive her, I just can't give her anything more. I need it for myself. And that's where I'm at with her. I must be in order so I can do what I am meant to do.
In the end, perhaps my W will turn out to be wrong for me, not strong enough to go with me. Or, she will see me for who I always was, she knows that man already. She has to figure it out herself. I hope God works on her quickly, I have a lot I want to do with her.
Luckily I have an office where I can stay late, and a lot of work to do. So I can limit my interactions with her, which will help me to stop putting energy in that direction. And perhaps she will miss me.
Regardless, I'm ok. I feel in control. Of me. Don't forget that in your whole life, you are the only one who will always be with you. So you better nurture that relationship because you can't walk away from you. Not for long anyway.
And remember what they tell you when they read the safety procedures to you on airliners:
"Always put the Oxygen mask on YOURSELF BEFORE assisting others"
