Frank, I understand your anger now. You have went through some pretty tough times, and I agree that your W did not handle her emotions towards how you were in M very well...her "retaliation" of sorts.
Like Ellie, you know that my H was also depressed. It's good to hear your side to what we, as the other spouse, should have done to "pull" you out of the depression, but like Ellie mentions, no one can do that. Not even you could. Imagine, then, how it must feel to be a constant caretaker with no results. To feel like a failure, because you just want 1 day that you make your H happy. Imagine the guilt you feel when you want to be happy, and fell pulled down because your spouse is miserable--in it'w own way, it's controlling. Imagine feeling blue, overwhelmed, or pulled under by life at times (anything) and not being to turn to your spouse because they are already having a tough time, so you take care of yourself. Not well, but you try. Then you get angry, because you wanted someone to lean on too, all those years. You get mad because just once, they could not come out of the fog, for you, to engage.
These are the feelings of your W. When she says that she is not your "mother" anymore, it's a horrible insult, but has a lot of pain in the statement for her as well. She's saying that she needed you, but was a caretaker the whole time. She might not have been, but that's how she felt. Her view on your depression, of being able to pull out of it, is wrong, as were my assumptions, but it's so defeating....you lose rational thought that a person can't pull themselves out quickly...you feel that they should.
She lost compassion, sympathy and respect. That hurts for you now. Trust that she will see your changes and will trust them. It will take a while. Her coldness to you is her refusal, shutting down, when she even mildly sees you as needy and perceives you as "self-centered" with depression.
I'm not saying this excuses her current mishaps. I'm not saying this should not hurt you. I certainly don't mean to offend. I'm just trying, in cyberspace, to give your Ws point of view, since she isn't right now. You can duke it out with me.
I know you've spent time understanding, etc. I know it's tough and it certainly doesn't justify what she did. BUT, one thing that I find previously depressed spouses not see is that though your actions were benign neglect, passive, and not direct and premeditated like your Ws actions (having an A), it hurts just the same: both make you feel lonely, inadequate, failure, defeated, hurt and angry.
I'm glad that you're getting treated, I'm glad that you're making changes. She will see them. She will come around. Until then, set your boundaries. Lovingly detach.
