Well, tonite I am falling down. W came into my office and said I seemed a little 'out of sorts' and wondered what was up. I was on the phone and told her it was a tough day with work. Smiled. Partly that is true.
I am pretty beat up emotionally. 4 weeks ago I had gotten myself to the place I needed to be with W. I was detaching. We hade nice, polite and respectful interactions. I had accepted my fate and was letting her go, out of my heart. I had spent all the strength I had just to get out of my years of depression. I was doing for myself.
Then she fell apart. She reached out to ME. I gave all I had left to lift her back up. She seemed to come closer. We shared some intimate times. But then she got scared. She went to visit one of her toxic friends and came back totally shut off.
It affected me. I didn't mean for it to, it just did. I felt like I was going back to square one all over again. Losing her all over again. It probably wouldn't have been so bad, other people on the board go through these extremes.
When I look at myself I realize that I'm not 'well' yet. LIke my counselor said, I've only begun to battle my years of depression so I shouldn't expect so much from myself. Just doing THAT is a monumental task. Depressions are hard to beat. 4 months are not enough to do it in. And under the conditions I've been having to work under, well, they haven't exactly been ideal.
So today W is seeing me be down, needy, sad, hurt you name it. I didn't want her to but it's where I am at right now.
I DO need someone to care for me sometimes. Right now, at this point in my life, I do. But there's only me. W blew me off and went to bed. I know she is thinking 'Well somethings wrong with Frank, I'm glad he's not MY problem any more.' because she said that to me a couple months ago when I was in a state like this.
So, she's not going to do anything - she really has no idea what I have been going through. When she falls down I pick her up. When I fall down, well. I am feeling very hurt and alone right now.
Maybe she just isn't the woman for me. She gave what she could over the years and can't give any more.
