Quote: You need to get your focus OFF of HER and back ONTO your GROWTH. You can't help her, really.
You are THE consummate "fixer". Rein it back in, Frank.
You can do this.
Yeah, luckily I saw Counselor today. She said she thinks that the 2 'friends' are a negative influence. That the 'mood swing' might be 'manic'. She thinks I should give it a week or so and see if she swings the other way.
She says the biggest problem I have is, if you take away the past 4 months of the 'divorce' and 'affair', you still have left "Frank going from big long 5 year depression to functional again in 4 months". Or, as she put it, "You compressed a years worth of work into 4 months AND at the same time had to deal with all the crap you have been dealing with, AND be the strong parent in the family". That would wear anyone out, and W just does not see that. She is expecting me to be the 'old frank' when she backs off from me, but doesn't clue into the things I've been through lately that would kick ANYONES butt into needyness.
So, I take these back and forth changes very hard. And I put more meaning into them than is really there.
Her opinion about the 'downturn' in W's attitude is partly the influence of 'friends' and partly W becoming afraid that we were getting 'needy' for each other. So she may very well be detaching to see what I'll do. And what I've 'done' is get all worried and that sends her 'vibes' that I am still 'needy', which feeds the problem even more.
The 5 days we spent being closer and intimate gave her an opportunity to see how 'good and caring' I am. I've also been feeling like she just 'used me' to feel better after her bad experience with OM. C said that maybe she did a little, but she also got to see what she would be leaving if she finishes what she started.
The problem is W has NO IDEA what I am feeling, what I have been through with my own sh*t, independent of living her sh*t, so she isn't going to cut me any slack. She doesn't SEE any of the things I've had to do in the background to hold her and the kids together. She doesn't SEE the going from depression to carrying all the burden of our relationship.
She SEE's a guy who is a little like her old husband, but is more calm and caring. She has no idea. And I can't tell her.
I mentioned the comments of some of the women on this board, that I'm a pretty good and caring man, and that any woman would be lucky to have me. And that W doesn't seem to want me, or see that about me. C of course says that W hasn't seen what I've been going through to care for her and my family during all her craziness, so she can't feel the same way.
So, C suggests I get out of the house, be less available, let her miss me, stop caring so much, and all this will help keep me sane. Don't get into her space, let her approach me, and stop trying so hard. She thinks then the pendulum will swing back the other way again.
It's weird. C talks to W so she knows stuff she doesn't tell me of course. She seems to focus on W not thinking clearly, and not on W being 'determined' to get divorced.
I just feel tired. I can still fake it with W and look 'happy', just not REALLY happy.
