Quote: Shutting him out and withdrawing to his spirals became a habit for me. I got good at it. I sensed his "tantrums" and I got ice cold, then mean. I "snapped" out of it when he finally turned that way on me and we imploded. I see your W doing the same.
I'm not having 'tantrums' any more. Are you speaking in the past?
Quote: I know you're hurting now. I know this is so hard, and you have truly went through hell and back. I know she'll see what she put you through. But, for yourself and your D10, you need to pull out. Are you on meds? Seeing C? Focus on your life.
You must not be familiar with my threads. I am on meds, I have been slowly getting myself up, then detached. WHen I was finally close to detachment, she had a meltdown, totally lost herself in her own hurt and pain. Then I had to be there FOR HER when I couldn't even be ther FOR MYSELF.
A few days after the meltdown we were intimate. The next day she was indifferent. Stayed that way till a week later where we did it again. That time she flirts, hugs, kisses and generally treats me like her husband. THis lasted till she went over one of her other 'bad' friends house overnite, and she came back 'indifferent' again, telling me that she needs to not depend on me to 'fill her cup' when she is down. That was 8 days ago and she has been the same ever since, except when she is down and likes it if I massage her feet or her shoulders. Saturday nite she was very in need of comfort because she was worn out from a busy day and 'let' me be there for her. Seemed like a slight crack in the wall again.
She went to her other negative friends place last nite, and of course since the previous one caused her to decide to 'kill' the intimacy I am wondering what this one will do. And of course expecting it to get 'worse'.
I spent a lot of time last nite thinking about that. About her just shutting me off after she had opened her heart for a little while. My mistake was to let it happen too easily, and to assign any 'meaning' to it. It caused me to stop taking care of myself, and working on my hard earned growth.
So as much as it pains me, I'm making myself less available to her and I won't offer to do anything for her any more. And if she asks for anything she'll have to convince me it's somethihg I WANT to do. I won't be mean, just detaching.
She may never figure out that she can have everything she wants with me. Unless what she wants is 'someone else'.
Quote: You say that she needs your support. You're right...the way I needed it the most was to have H be strong for me, confident. I wanted someone to tell me it was going to be OK. I had to do that all the time for both of us. So, what can you do to portray strength for her, someone she wants to lean on? She's confused now, scared, in pain (I know, hard to sympathize with her), and needs strength from others...make it you.
That is the right thing to do. I have to do it with detachment though. When I let myself get 'happy' with the apparent 'coming closer' I fell down hard when she pulled away. That was my fault for letting myself get attached. Her 'friends' tell her she will be OK when she is divorced and on her own. So we have opposing goals.
