Like your W, I never actually moved toward D or walked out, or even mentioned my feelings, just took it out in other ways (demanding, critical, and other lovely things you can read on my thread). Like your W, I too just SHUT DOWN when H was in need of support. It's so sad to look on now, and I wish I could be that for him again, but he shut me out too. I just wished he could be supportive to me, could engage in our M, could actually be somewhat happy at times to be with me and not always be overwhelmed with other things in life that always seemed to be more important. They were, and I resented that. Again, I'm just expressing myself so you can perhaps understand W better.
Shutting him out and withdrawing to his spirals became a habit for me. I got good at it. I sensed his "tantrums" and I got ice cold, then mean. I "snapped" out of it when he finally turned that way on me and we imploded. I see your W doing the same.
I know you're hurting now. I know this is so hard, and you have truly went through hell and back. I know she'll see what she put you through. But, for yourself and your D10, you need to pull out. Are you on meds? Seeing C? Focus on your life. So W didn't come home and she's with negative friends, in the end, it's still her life. Trust her. She can talk to whomever she wants. Stop thinking about it. Start thinking of what you can do to make YOU feel better. Read to D10, play together, and Mom comes home when she feels. Let her know she's missed, but no one is falling apart in her absence.
I know it's hard now, but remember the things I wrote in the previous post...from your W's point of view, these things really mattered to me. H has recently gone through lots of stressful things at work, increased workload and the stress in our M. He was so strong, more than me. I am so respectful of that and see that he has changed. He said he didn't want to be that person anymore.
I understand what you're fighting with depression. Let's make this work for you. I'm not being tough love or telling you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps....just telling you that you're a GREAT guy. Believe that. Say it over and over. Write 3 great things about yourself NOW in a journal. You're a real catch, a great dad, and your W can't do better. NOW...feel it, believe and ACT IT.
You say that she needs your support. You're right...the way I needed it the most was to have H be strong for me, confident. I wanted someone to tell me it was going to be OK. I had to do that all the time for both of us. So, what can you do to portray strength for her, someone she wants to lean on? She's confused now, scared, in pain (I know, hard to sympathize with her), and needs strength from others...make it you.
