I hope I don't offend, or if I've pegged you for someone that you're not (like my H)..so please accept my apologies. I just want to help and give your Ws point of view. Though I never left the M physically, I did emotionally and through my behaviors. There were many times I wished we weren't married and I thought I had made a mistake. In my mind, I was a WAW many times over.
You're not offending me at all. I see a lot of similarities in our relationships. My Wife thought many times that she needed 'out' of the relationship because she couldn't or wouldn't assert herself. If she hadn't met this jerk OM in Hawaii and 'fallen in love' she wouldn't have done what she did - say the marriage was over, say she wanted a divorce, then pursue OM.
She claims she would have divorced 'anyway' because she had been thinking about divorce for a couple years, but it's not true. She had problems and 'thought' about divorce, but she did nothing to move towards divorce and we spent quality time together up till the day she bombed me.
He was the catalyst. Now she thinks she can never 'go back' because it didn't work before so it couldn't work now. So in her mind she's moving on.
If I was my old 'normal' self I'd get throught this a lot easier, but I'm still on the tail end of fighting the deep depression I'd been in for the past 5 years while ALSO dealing with her OM, Divorce threats and her not being present emotionally during the holidays. I still haven't picked myself all the way back up from that, but she isn't clued in to any of that.
So, I'm just going through another phase where I feel anxious and worried. It's like I have to be F'ing perfect all the time or she'll think I'm "going back" to the old Frank. What I REALLY need is a supportive companion, and so does SHE. That's why this sucks. She has turned off her feelings so WELL. They peek out sometimes, usually when she is in need.
Oh, She just called me (8:20) and said that she has decided to stay overnite at her friends since they haven't started their massages yet (she lives in Santa Monica, 45 minutes away). I asked her if she'd gotten her 'turn' receiving a massage and she said no, they have been eating and talking for the past few hours and are only now starting their massage 'swap'. I said that I knew she really needed it so I hope it goes well.
She asked me if I was going to be able to get the kids up for school and I said it was no problem. I was pretty monotone in my voice, I hope I didn't sound needy or disappointed. I think I may have though.
I had her talk to D10 to make sure D10 wasn't going to be upset. She was upset the last time she did something like this. But D10 was just blah on the phone. She'll fall apart when I put her to bed later.
I think what is really bothereing me is that a week ago we were close, intimate, caring and then she went to visit her number one negative influence friend amd stayed overnite then came back totally disconnected from me. Now she's at the other ones house for an overnite, the one who is 'searching for the perfect man' and thinks she knows what love really is.
So it's bothering me that she'll come back with more Sh*t in her head. How 'wonderful' it is to be free and to date and find those special friends. Right. Every guy this girl has dated has been a real piece of work, as was her husband.
Of course, these are all ideas I manufacture in my imagination. She hardly sees this girl, and she doesn't have a lot of respect for some of the things she does. So who knows what she will come away with. There are times I think that my Wife is just plain stupid. I feel bad when I think that, but I do think it. Then I ask myself if I really want to be with someone like that. And I still end up knowing I love her too much.
But I'm in a rut, I needed to let her go and I DIDN'T.
I know it seems weird but I think I'll have to cry tonite and mourn her loss again. That way I won't have expectations and I can stay detached better. I'm just feeling so DOWN.
Now D10 just came into my room crying because she want's mom to be here in the morning. She's had the hardest time with all this. I told her she could call mom but she doesn't want to because she'll cry on the phone. I promised to read to her instead.
I hate it when I'm weak like this. I can do better.
