Frank, I agree with Becca, you're doing so well. You love your W so much...but I think you have to let go a little. Make a committment to STOP worrying about who she is with and where when she's out of the house...she is a free woman, and if you need to worry about her every move, then it's not healthy. There will come a point when she figures it all out, until then, let go. It's so freeing.
Focus on you. You're not being needy, just nice. That's a wonderful thing for a woman to feel. You described things you did in M exactly as MY H!!! He was a good man too, loved me, but was VERY down, angry and miserable in life. Almost like he was spiraling and didn't care to stop, even when he could--almost felt like he chose to be that way. Mostly about work and led him to feel this way about life in general and feel victimized. I'm not bringing up bad things about your past...you're definately a different man and so is my H, but if you're wondering where your W is now, understand that it is a very difficult thing to live with someone who was like that. It has taken me a LONG time to trust that H is not really like that. I still have bad reactions to his venting now...even if it's normal. It's something that I have to untrain. So, H tries to make an effort to keep things to a minimum, be a happier person and control that side of him. He has seen how it is hurting a coworker of his to be that way, in family life and I think it's sinking in.
Consequently, I became withdrawn in affection, compassion and understanding. Not to blame him, but you get it.
OK, not to spill all MY stuff on your thread, but I guess I'm saying that I can see things from your Ws side (not the OM part), and can perhaps help.
She needs to see you strong and happy now, in life and with yourself. That meant a lot to me. She needs to see you get into your work and family, happily. Give her space, but try to plan on things to do, and invite her, if she wants to come. My H couldn't pull himself out of misery to engage in our M and act like a couple or give me priority, so do those things. It almost felt like he was controlling in that "when H was happy, WE (the couple) could be happy and have a normal life." It also felt like he took real advantage of the M by "dumping" all over it with his emotions, expecting lots and giving little in return. Remember, your W needs emotional support too. You've been a saint now, so keep it going.
Be strong, engage, happy, and confident. Try to plan things with her and the family. Don't act, be YOU. Show her that you're not that Frank anymore, for yourself. I loved seeing that in H...and to be honest, I didn't see his changes until he got sick of me...that's how used to things I got. So give your W some time.
I hope I don't offend, or if I've pegged you for someone that you're not (like my H)..so please accept my apologies. I just want to help and give your Ws point of view. Though I never left the M physically, I did emotionally and through my behaviors. There were many times I wished we weren't married and I thought I had made a mistake. In my mind, I was a WAW many times over.
I hope that this has been at least somewhat helpful. If not, apologies.
