Yesterday afternoon I was talking to W and she said that she noticed I was 'preoccupied' with something the past couple days. I told her about a project I am working on for a client and how it is way behind. Then she said that it seemed like I was uncomfortable around her. So, I told her that the past few days her interactions with me had changed,and it appeared to me that she wanted her space, so I have been giving it to her.
She replied that 'things are still the same, I just don't need as much as I did last week'.
Ok. So she's saying nothing has changed, I can approach her, she just is cooled down, probably was getting afraid she would become 'needy' and dependent on me.
We talked about some other issues but nothing else about our 'weird relationship'. I had to go and before I left I walked up to her and kissed her on the cheek and said goodbye. She said bye and I left. Ok, no 'asserting herself' or 'pulling away'.
I saw Counselor, told her about the 'sudden' change in W's attitude towards me and the things W had said about 'filling her cup'.
C's opinion, which is based of course on her knowing W, is that it's a cycle. W still believes in the 'Hollywood' love story. The 'deep passionate love' that we see in the movies. C has been working on waking her up to reality, that real love is a choice and is much different. C says that during last weeks session she addressed those concepts and when she said to W that 'You have a man who is all you've been wanting right in front of you', that W got all teary eyed.
I also mentioned that W is not putting the kind of effort into her new business that I would put into it. She is waiting for customers to show up, referred to her by the Salon she is now working in. I would not wait for someone else to get me customers, I'd be out there IN the salon giving free shoulder rubs or other things to get known.
W is afraid of strangers, and not confident enough. I was like that when I started my last business but I FORCED myself to change. I went from a computer programmer who used to work in a cubicle to a man who went to local organizations and gave presentations on the Internet and how it could benefit your business in front of hundreds of people. Believe me, the first few had me shaking! You just have to do it.
So, in summary C said she totally believes that W 'wants to love me' as evidenced by the intimacy we shared most of last week, the sitting together and spending quality time, and the physical stuff, all expressions of love no matter how you look at it.
But she is also holding on to this notion that she is 'missing something', this 'Hollywood' love and of course, her fear of losing her 'independence'. She is afraid to make the wrong choice of a man, and that includes me. I have an advantage and a handicap in this regard. The advantage is that she knows me, and she knows what I am capable of as a friend, lover, provider and father. The disadvantage is she knows me and has seen me stop loving myself, fall down, and not get up for a long time. It's a tough place to be.
As we recall, that meeting was followed by W telling me at dinner that I was now 'allowed' to initiate anything I want with her, giving me 'permission' to hug, kiss, suggest other things. We had 2 more days of closeness, then she went away for a day and came back disconnected again.
So, C says keep doing what I'm doing, continue to be patient, and give her time to work on helping W to see the world clearly, not through 'Hollywood Glasses'.
Today is her next meeting with C so I'm sure there will be another shift. WHATEVER it is I will make myself stay neutral and not read anything into it.
This morning W played 'I hurt my hand so I can't do X' and was pouty, a little playful. I held her hand and 'felt sorry for her' and kissed it to 'make it better'. She smiled and was happier. It's one of those little 'love games' we used to play so she could see if I still cared. Then she disconnected again.
