Hi Frank. I haven't posted to your thread, but it seems that we're kind of in the same boat, me with my H.
Last week, we had a blow out that forced me to detach. I call it letting go. I realized that since this all happened, I took charge of "fixing" myself and the R, never without Hs input and always gave him the right to do anything. I thought I did this out of love. BUT, what I didn't see was that he wasn't at that spot..he went along b/c it's what he does.
I see your W and my H inside a tower with high walls. We can jump all we want to fix the R, but it takes 2. It doesn't mean they will NEVER be ready, but realize that whatever happened to make her put up those walls still hurts her. She still can't trust. It takes REAL, 100% change in YOU. Right now, they're in the phase of being at least enticed to look over the wall b/c of the changes you made. That's good. It means they care and would really like for it to get better--deep down. Let her vent about needing to be on her own. Let her get her threats out...voice herself without question, anxiety from you.
They peep over the wall, throw something at us (like your Ws sudden streak of affection last week) and then they go back in. They see if we caught the ball, if we throw it back (give her affection back). BUT, they don't want you to take the ball and barge over the wall either. Soon, she'll be peeping more and more, then the bricks will come down.
You have to show her that you're willing to be patient. NO neediness. She is not your caretaker. Be happy with what she gives you...there will be a time in the future, when she is totally committed and has let you back in, that you can safely express YOUR needs and work on building a healthy M. Now, you have to steer this ship there, first. Don't jump ahead.
She's testing you. Keep up the work. Show her that you love her, and respect her space to make her own decisions...and that you are a great guy.
