This morning is no different. W is pleasant to talk to. I came up behind her and rubbed her shoulders. She told me to stop, because she was holding her coffee and she didn't need to be rubbed 'anywhere'. Her tone was crappy.
I guess the don't touch rule is now in effect. So close last week and now it's gone. Even though I didn't really 'have' her, I feel like I lost her all over again. I don't really 'feel' like DB'ing and being Mr Happy and all the things I did that may have influenced her to come closer. Or maybe I did nothing, she just got lonely and reached out to me.
Umm Frank? Is it that time of the month for her? That is when I get to where i don't want to be touched at all. Or maybe reality has hit and she has realized you might be touching someone else too.....since after all, you ARE getting D, right? Those are the two reasons why "I" wouldn't want to be touched.
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Quote: Umm Frank? Is it that time of the month for her? That is when I get to where i don't want to be touched at all. Or maybe reality has hit and she has realized you might be touching someone else too.....since after all, you ARE getting D, right? Those are the two reasons why "I" wouldn't want to be touched.
No, it is not that time of the month. We were very touchy - feely last week and intimate. She went to her friends saturday nite to sunday and came home slightly angry and not wanting me near her. When she left on Saturday she gave me a kiss but seemed a little aprehensive - like she thought I was going to be needy without her.
When she returned, I hugged HER after she ignored me. SHe hugged back but that's all the contact we had. She only talked about how SHE had to do a better job of taking care of her own emotional needs and not getting them filled by being with me. I think it was more of an "I don't need you" statement.
Now I don't know WHAT to do. She had told me Thursday it was ok for me to 'touch' her and she'd say no if she didn't want me to. She seemed very happy then.
Now, she gives off a 'do not touch me' energy around her.
The couple times I did last nite were innocent enough, I put my head on her shoulder while standing behind her, and I tickled her when we were joking about something and I didn't get my head bit off for it but I also didn't get much response either.
This morning I rubbed her shoulders and was told in no uncertain terms she didn't NEED to be rubbed anywhere.
She knows I'm not 'touching someone else too' because I've been aroud the past couple weeks due to the attention she has been showing me. I've also told her I don't want anyone new because I don't want the problems that come with it.
This morning is no different. W is pleasant to talk to. I came up behind her and rubbed her shoulders. She told me to stop, because she was holding her coffee and she didn't need to be rubbed 'anywhere'. Her tone was crappy.
This fits my W too. Could it be that we are just seeing the natural cycle of this kind of stuff from the WAW? They say they get close, then pull back, get close, pull back, etc. Gray says that too in Mars/Venus. Maybe you just need to see if the cycle goes back the other direction. You may just need to chill and wait for a bit, going back to the more detached, DBing Frank. IF she does come back around, then you have established a pattern that should allow you some peace of mind should it happen again. I know it is hard after all this time and energy. The good part is that you don't HAVE TO want this right now. Remember not too long ago when you decided that you had to really start detaching? That was right before this latest insanity by your W. Well, you started that process because you realized that you didn't want or need the constant drama and heartache, NOT because you didn't love your W. Same applies now. Loving detachment. Make your heart (and other body parts) remember back not too long ago when they looked on this woman as a flame that could as easily burn them to death as warm them. Look, she is human, and so are you. You happen to be an extremely intelligent human, and she happens to be an extremely emotional one. You are trying to figure her our and she's trying to figure out her emotions. Her emotion is clouding her intelligence and your intellegence is hindering your emotional stability. I think if you both could let go, you to over thinking, and her to over feeling, then things would follow a course neither of you could predict, and that would be good...ah, but that would be a prefect world, now wouldn't it? Give yourself a break, step back, talk to your C, observe your W, give love and support to the kids and see what tomorrow brings. It's sure to be something different.
1. When something good happens, write it down, remember it, treasure it. The next thing that happens will not be as nice.
2. You're doing the right thing in venting your pain here. Don't expect her to share now. If you liked something that happened in Rule 1, don't assume it is fixed or a sign of change. Don't expect her to show feelings she cannot find .. yet. She has things boiling in her she is not comfortable letting out. You probably don't want that to happen at home without a C to help her.
3. Letting stuff out in C is very good for her, unless it always leaves her screaming D. Her good emotions are buried under a life of restrained resentment, guilt, and other feelings held captive by the gatekeeper - Anger. Anger must be released to get to the rest. It is not your job to manage her anger. It is for her, in her own time, hopefully within counseling. Encourage it, don't run from it. Meet it head on with all the DB you can. Validate her pain and share in it. Let her see it is safe to do this with you around or it may never all get out. Her happy place is buried under it all.
4. When you think you can't take the ride any longer, trade with me ... please!
Quote: This morning is no different. W is pleasant to talk to. I came up behind her and rubbed her shoulders. She told me to stop, because she was holding her coffee and she didn't need to be rubbed 'anywhere'. Her tone was crappy.
This fits my W too. Could it be that we are just seeing the natural cycle of this kind of stuff from the WAW? They say they get close, then pull back, get close, pull back, etc.
When you say it fits your W too, do you mean she has gone throught this 'cycle' a few times? Or it's just something she's doing right now?
Quote: You may just need to chill and wait for a bit, going back to the more detached, DBing Frank. IF she does come back around, then you have established a pattern that should allow you some peace of mind should it happen again. I know it is hard after all this time and energy. The good part is that you don't HAVE TO want this right now. Remember not too long ago when you decided that you had to really start detaching? That was right before this latest insanity by your W. Well, you started that process because you realized that you didn't want or need the constant drama and heartache, NOT because you didn't love your W.
It IS HARD after she was willing to give me so much. It hurts and I am sure that no matter how hard I try I give off 'needy' vibrations. I know that isn't helping, but I let myself get sucked in to the emotions.
Quote: Look, she is human, and so are you. You happen to be an extremely intelligent human, and she happens to be an extremely emotional one. You are trying to figure her our and she's trying to figure out her emotions. Her emotion is clouding her intelligence and your intellegence is hindering your emotional stability. I think if you both could let go, you to over thinking, and her to over feeling, then things would follow a course neither of you could predict, and that would be good...ah, but that would be a prefect world, now wouldn't it?
You sound like my Counselor. That is her exact description of our 'problems'. We're out of balance intellectually and emotionally. And we're complementary to each other, kind of a Yin / Yang thing. We could do great things together if we could resolve all these issues.
Quote: Give yourself a break, step back, talk to your C, observe your W, give love and support to the kids and see what tomorrow brings. It's sure to be something different.
Yeah, I'm just hating this current 'cycle' because we were getting very close to each other so it hurts more. I know I must go back to 'not caring' like I was. The more I stayed detached the more she moved towards me. I just hate it.
Hi Frank. I haven't posted to your thread, but it seems that we're kind of in the same boat, me with my H.
Last week, we had a blow out that forced me to detach. I call it letting go. I realized that since this all happened, I took charge of "fixing" myself and the R, never without Hs input and always gave him the right to do anything. I thought I did this out of love. BUT, what I didn't see was that he wasn't at that spot..he went along b/c it's what he does.
I see your W and my H inside a tower with high walls. We can jump all we want to fix the R, but it takes 2. It doesn't mean they will NEVER be ready, but realize that whatever happened to make her put up those walls still hurts her. She still can't trust. It takes REAL, 100% change in YOU. Right now, they're in the phase of being at least enticed to look over the wall b/c of the changes you made. That's good. It means they care and would really like for it to get better--deep down. Let her vent about needing to be on her own. Let her get her threats out...voice herself without question, anxiety from you.
They peep over the wall, throw something at us (like your Ws sudden streak of affection last week) and then they go back in. They see if we caught the ball, if we throw it back (give her affection back). BUT, they don't want you to take the ball and barge over the wall either. Soon, she'll be peeping more and more, then the bricks will come down.
You have to show her that you're willing to be patient. NO neediness. She is not your caretaker. Be happy with what she gives you...there will be a time in the future, when she is totally committed and has let you back in, that you can safely express YOUR needs and work on building a healthy M. Now, you have to steer this ship there, first. Don't jump ahead.
She's testing you. Keep up the work. Show her that you love her, and respect her space to make her own decisions...and that you are a great guy.
Shark is getting pretty smart, Frank.
Aren't you glad for all that time you spent cultivating him .
Now he's working on YOU! HA!
Okay, serious question:
When are you going to be confident enough in yourself (and dare I say, in God) that you are no longer so controlled by your circumstances (i.e: your wife)? You would do well to strive to be the same in attitude and emotion regardless of what she does, says or acts like. How in the world are you going to do THAT you ask? Well, you Frank, need FAITH - and in something other than FRANK.
So far YOU are doing all the work, you leave nothing to God. You're working your tail off. How long before you see that although good things do happen occasionally, a brick wall is still a brick wall.
He's knocking.
But you won't stop manuevering and strategizing long enough to answer the freakin' door.
