Well, bedtime. W watched a movie with D15 till 10:30 pm. Then she talked to me about nothing in particular and just turned and said 'well goodnite' and went to her room.
I was lookng for my reading glasses and asked her if she had seen them and she said 'no'. I found them a few minutes later and poked my head in her door and said 'Look I found them!'. She said half jokingly, half annoyed, 'go away, I want to read'. I said 'awww, can't I pester you a little?' and smiled and she said 'no, go away'. So I did and tried to make a joke of it, in case I looked needy.
I'm hurt. I had a week of good stuff and now she's gone again. I let myself hope and got hurt. How can she just turn it off? The same way she did in October. It's just that easy for her. Whatever she was feeling for me last week - dead. I don't even know what caused this change, did I not show 'affection' when she gave me 'permission'? Friday nite we were close, lying on the couch together, caressing her hair, her sighing softly.
Today she doesn't want me too close to her. We didn't have a fight, argument, disagreement or anything else that I can look at and say "that was what did it". It just left her.
I know I'm reacting to her and it's probably coming across to her that I 'might' be needy. I can't maintain this front all the time. I've been asked to do so much.
I'm not a quitter, but as I look at her tonite all I see is emptyness. She's nice and friendly but the barrier is up. I should have let her go. I don't know what else to do - be close - be distant, get out of the house, what?
LAst week I started to see some of the playfulness of the girl I once knew. It sucked me in, I let my guard down. She went back to the space Aliens. I think to her this is some kind of game. It's all about what she wants and pretty much everything that's not the way she wants it to be can be blamed on me.
Tomorrow I see my Counselor. I know she'll say 'wait two months and see what changes' and she'll focus on the good things frome last week.
The thing is, every time this stuff happens I just don't want to work on it any more. There must be plenty of women who want a high achiever like me who has a big heart. Yes, I admit I went through some changes and growth lately but I'm low mileage, so if you're out there and live near Thousand Oaks, CA send me your e-mail!
Tired and ready to go back to detached and giving up on this current 'play house' game seems to have ended. It'd be a lot easier to find someone new than to keep hoping she will change. I'm tired.
