I'm not really sure if I'm piecing together anything. I'm just trying to stop things from continuing to go towards divorce.
So I get home tonite around 6 and she's making dinner. I volunteer to help and she gives me some vegetable chopping to do. Not very talkative, though she wasn't 'unhappy' either.
During dinner she is kinda quiet, a little uncomfortable. When she looks at me she barely smiles. I'm expecting some big new bomb. Then she says "What do you do for fun?"
I have to think about it. I start listing things I like to do for fun, and she says "but what do you actually DO, not what do you LIKE to do?"
It took me a moment to realize I haven't been doing a lot to have fun. There were a few things I could name but not a lot. I DIDN'T say "Well, I've been spending a lot of time WITH YOU trying to establish trust and maybe build a relationship again!"
I said I'd like to take the Ballroom Dancing class we took together again. She said 'you didn't like it though' and I replied "I didn't like my LIFE then". I think it would be fun to take it and actually TRY to learn it. Then we could go to these dance places and actually be able to go out onto the floor instead of just sitting.
She said she'd been journaling and realized she doesn't do anything for fun. She was going to focus on ways she could have fun that were cheap or free since she is poor. I think this is a good idea.
Later when I was cleaning the pots I 'popped her butt' with a towel (not hard!) and we had a laugh. I also at one point came up behind her and put my chin on her shoulder and said somethihg to her and she leaned her head very slightly so it touched my head. She didn't 'assert' herself and say 'no' so that's a good thing. At least the barrier she put up isn't totally impenetrable.
Other than that, nothing else has happened tonite. I felt kind of like yet ANOTHER challenge has been dropped at my feet: Become a FUN person!
Not that I don't want to but I am so stressed out from the mood swings, the talks of being on her own and everything else that I'm fried. My anxiety levels are through the roof.
I don't want to come off as 'needy' but you know what? I AM needy right now. I need to feel loved.
She was complaining the other day about how she will 'never meet someone who will love her back as much as she loves them' and I'm thinking "HEY! I love you more than anything! HEY! It's right here in front of you!". And now she's emotionally down because she has realized she doesn't do anything for 'fun'. ANd since neither do I, then it's another reason not to be married to me. When does this [censored] end? When do we work together to achieve life goals, like family fun and other stuff?
It's not like I haven't had enough to fix in my life while under pressure. When will God and the Universe give me a break? Give ME a relationship. let ME feel safe. She says she feels safe with me. I don't feel safe with her.
I wish I had a friend I could go to their house and whine and cry right now. It just keeps coming at me. Sigh.
My friend told me today that God wouldn't give you a task that you couldn't handle. Well, haven't I proved myself YET?
