Quote: My thearpist told me that the number is closer to 50% who get divorced and wind up back together.
Actually on V.Day in a local paper there was an article about a couple that married young, separated for 10 years, got divorced w/o seeing each other, and were divorced for 10 years (no kids w/ each other) each had kids w/ SO. Never remarried. Met up again a few years ago and remarried last year... A noted therapist was quoted as saying this happens in 6% of divorces which I think sounds realistic.. I personally only know of 5 couples that have done this...and two of them redivorced! two other couples live together post divorce... Another stat I saw this afternoon is that 10% of women who are separated reconcile...
Quote: I want to be blunt but I do not want to make you angrier.
You are too angry to see this situation clearly. You are still blaming. You need to back off a little and see things objectively. You are panicking and scared and there is nothing you can do right now except to wait things out.
You won't make me angry! And you're right, I am scared; she is being selfish and immature and is trying to find herself. Part of me knows she needs to do this, but she has gone about it in a bad way... (Did you read my original thread?) OUR joint counselor said this, BOTH of my daughter's counselors said this (they both met W) and three of HER best friends all said the same thing! That she's acting like a 16 y.o. And YET, I know she has some growing up to do; just wish she'd do it while SEPARATED and THEN decide.... She doesn't want to be in limbo and that's why she's filing... I say that's ONE more step down the road that makes it harder to reconcile if she ever decides that's whay she wants.
I'm NOT blaming. I have owned up to my role in this; she has trivialized HER role in things and STILL doesn't see that her involvement w/ OM was an EA even if you buy into the fact that the PA didn't start until she moved out.
Quote: You want success stories, go over to piecing. You want to hear about stories of people who are working their arses off to become better people and forgive their spouses, then go to midlife crisis or separated.
I have forgiven her; I did last summer because I saw how whe was eaten up by not being able to deal w/ my sitch from 1989! And OM is just an immature clown. Nice guy but socially/emotionally immature... Shoot he still calls his mom "mommy" sometimes...!
Quote: WE have all done something wrong to contribute to the demises of our relationships. Every single one of us.
ABSOLUTELY! And there is another forum I post in where I have been even more open about the relationship than here. I have owned up to MY role in things.
Quote: You had an affair in 1989, you keep referring to it as though it was nothing and it was 17 years ago so what the hell. To her it was a big deal. She may be just saying this as an excuse for her own actions but it sounds like the two of you never dealt with it properly and it has been festering for years.
Oh, it was a big deal and you're right, we didn't deal w/ it. We let it slide. She didn't push me and I was glad of it and we didn't talk about it much. Every few years she'd ask about it, I'd deny it was a PA, she'd say she forgave me and that was that. No mention at all about it for the past 6-7 years until she started grief counselling two years ago for her parents death in '01 and '03; the issue came up and I again denied it... BUT, it was 17 years ago, I've been penitent and we've had two kids SINCE then. And 3 diff. clergy have told me that she's fooling herself to think she has scriptural grounds for a divorce (she says she was told she DOES!) and that she DID have an affair regardless of how she defines things. That is a priest and two ministers saying so.
What the counselor(s) have said is that this is NOT the only issue as W has said. She HAS admitted that she has issues w/ her mother and that relationship has affected how she copes w/ things and interacts w/ people. (well duh, everyone that knows her could have told you that!) She definitely has a lot of work to do on herself as she has admitted. But when she looks at our relationship all she sees is a pile of doodoo...Nothing else. I say she's looked at me for so long w/ bitterness/resentment that she can't see the real me and isn't willing to even consider that. Not much else I can do except be a good Dad, not blast W, try to be cordial,etc. Last summer I basically had a falling out w/ my first L b/c I didn't want to do ANYTHING legal; it wasn't necessary in my view and time bore that out. Thankfully I didn't nuke her in the legal arena; that would have gotten real ugly by involving a lot of people. Gotta run and ride herd on the offspring units!
Seperated only five weeks, certain that it was entirely due to my DBing that it was so short. He dropped the bomb saying it was over for good and moved out leaving me in shock like I'd been run over by a bus. He's been back 3 wks and it's kind of like he never left. Still don't know what happened but hope to get the the bottom of it in MCing He had given me the I'm not in love with you anymore speech. Not sure what the future holds yet but he does think we are reconciled and has already planned and booked our family vacation in August. I'm sure I'm just on the MLC rollercoaster but still DBing like crazy and it really seems to get me results so far.
Best of luck with your sitch. I know it's hard to stay positive. I have a pity party for myself on a regular basis but as long as it's not in front of your Spouse it's OK.
I really enjoyed reading the posts on this subject. 50% seems extremly high to me but I don't know. I have been through the D, got back together(with everything going great) and than we both fell back into the same path and now we talked last night for about 2mins for the first time in over a month. I bet more couples do this-get D than continue to talk and the distance makes them want each other more until they are around each other enough to let the same things that bugged them before kill the R again. A repeat cycle I guess until one has had enough and all is lost. So, how many chances does a R have of being resurected?
I bet you are right about the cycle. The question is how can you break the cycle and make long lasting positive changes to the relationship. I think that is what this sight is all about.
And you're right, I am scared; she is being selfish and immature and is trying to find herself. Part of me knows she needs to do this, but she has gone about it in a bad way... (Did you read my original thread?) OUR joint counselor said this, BOTH of my daughter's counselors said this (they both met W) and three of HER best friends all said the same thing! That she's acting like a 16 y.o. And YET, I know she has some growing up to do; just wish she'd do it while SEPARATED and THEN decide.... She doesn't want to be in limbo and that's why she's filing... I say that's ONE more step down the road that makes it harder to reconcile if she ever decides that's whay she wants.