You've been working so hard, and remembering your past struggles, I would say that your wife has definitely made HUGE strides in trying to work with you. CONGRATS!!!!!!!!
I think what you might give thought to trying... is... instead of making your physical wishes known, perhaps you can explain that you would like "US" time (whether that is in the bedroom or not, but most certainly with the focus on one another... no t.v.). Not that you shouldn't say that you hope things will move in a physical direction, but that your primary focus is to 'connect' first. ????? You might want to play the hundred questions game Honey had talked about with Hairdog... "chocolate or vanilla' 'what would you do if you won a million dollars,' type thing.
Perhaps at some point reassure her that not all physical contact must end in IC... perhaps a good make-out session with a massage... I don't know...
My point being, she seems SOOOO eager to meet you half way, which to me seems much different than the woman we were dealing with in the past... help her help you through encouragement (but not letting her off the hook), saying please and thank you throughout the day, letting her know, in the little ways that even though you may sometimes seems surly, to please be patient, and that you will be likewise to her...?????
Great ideas on the counselors...
Just my $.02. Glad to see you, friend, and that you are looking for hope...
Great to see you, gal! How ya been keeping? Better than me, I hope (until recently, that is).
Quote: I think what you might give thought to trying... is... instead of making your physical wishes known, perhaps you can explain that you would like "US" time (whether that is in the bedroom or not, but most certainly with the focus on one another... no t.v.). Not that you shouldn't say that you hope things will move in a physical direction, but that your primary focus is to 'connect' first. ????? ...<snip>... Perhaps at some point reassure her that not all physical contact must end in IC... perhaps a good make-out session with a massage... I don't know...
Yeah, I know... keep in mind I've left a LOT out, you're only gettin' a VERY small sample of what's been going on here. Rest assured that your suggestions are already part of my approach, and have been in my communications with her all along. My point always has been that it's not just about "the deed", but all the OTHER stuff that goes along with it. One thing about last night, we were watching TV before S14 went to bed, but the way we were watching was different. There was a level of non-verbal communication between us that hasn't been there in YEARS. Sparks were flying, and we were hugging and caressing in a way I've been longing for. It definitely added to my enjoyment of her and the evening, and is a LARGE part of why I'm feeling so good about it. And... the lovey-dovey stuff has continued into today. My comment about "direct communication" wasn't just about communicating about my physical desires, but also the other desires, as well as the subject of "where I'm at right now". As a fer-instance, one of the things I said to her Sunday night, in all seriousness was (and I quote): "I've gotten to the point where I don't really care any more which way things go, and trust me, you really don't want me feeling that way." And I meant it, and she knew I meant it. But it was said calmly, not coldly... I was simply letting her know that things were (are) serious - we're playing for keeps here, no time for fooling around.
Quote: My point being, she seems SOOOO eager to meet you half way, which to me seems much different than the woman we were dealing with in the past... help her help you through encouragement (but not letting her off the hook), saying please and thank you throughout the day, letting her know, in the little ways that even though you may sometimes seems surly, to please be patient, and that you will be likewise to her...?????
Great ideas on the counselors...
Actually, she met me WAY more than halfway last night, and we both know it. Therein lies a LOT of progress... another reason for my up-beat attitude today. I really do think things might have just turned a corner. I'll keep you up to date...
Tim, I'm not really afraid to be direct..it's more that the having to say it directly kills my mood. So I avoid it. He avoids it cause he's a conflict avoider. So there ya go...two people not bringing it up and continuing to sit in front of the tube while the night wastes away. (well he wouldn't consider it wasteful, he likes tv)
It just occurred to me that I could start being playful/funny/suggestive again. You know, Tim, I've stopped doing that cause it freaked him out. I don't think he'd be freaked any longer but I've forgotten to unbox this part of myself.
Thanks for the unintended insight! Oh and I wasn't trying to hijack; I actually thought it was relevant to your situation.
Quote: It just occurred to me that I could start being playful/funny/suggestive again. You know, Tim, I've stopped doing that cause it freaked him out. I don't think he'd be freaked any longer but I've forgotten to unbox this part of myself.
Thanks for the unintended insight! Oh and I wasn't trying to hijack; I actually thought it was relevant to your situation.
Great thought, HP, go for it! And... I was assuming you'd see the winkie...
HP, something that seems to work here is cuddling up with her when she's watching the tube and doing the loving caresses thing. We at least get some non-verbal communication going that way, and it can work to swing the collective mood as well (even when I wasn't in the mood to start with).
Oh, and Tim, keep your winkie to yourself. You know you can get arrested for that
Quote: Well... seeing as that my divorce is supposed to be final this Friday, I'd say you've got me.
But... "I will survive, I will survive, hey, hey" (Gloria Gaynor?)
Corri
Whoa, I am really sorry to hear that, C. Really. Please forgive me for not knowing - I've been away from here quite a long time, not really lurking much, and knowing how strong you are, I naturally assumed optimistically. I do hope you're "okay", and I know that no matter how much hurt you're in right now, you will indeed "survive" - heck, you'll thrive. I know you know that also. Man... anything I say right now will sound too lame, but please believe you'll be in my thoughts.
Still more hope for a turnaround: On the way to work this morning, I rather obliquely said to W that "perhaps we could go to bed a bit early tonight." Now, of course, that violated something I had said the other night, to the effect that I felt we should be more specific with each other about our desires/expectations, because last week we had a couple of evenings where I said something like "I'd like to spend some time reading in bed with you this evening" (meaning that I wanted to spend time reading in bed, thereby creating some close/comfy/cozy time for us without any added expectation) but she took a shower before getting in bed, (meaning she felt I might be expecting sex). So I had made my comment about being more specific, but then this morning I broke my own "rule". So I sent her an email first of all apologizing for doing that, and saying that I would very much like to ML to her tonight, and adding that it isn't only for the physical release, but that last Monday night was so magical, I wanted to see if we could get a bit more of that going for us, and I also added MrsNOP's "I want" list that Chrome posted on Mojo's thread, mostly verbatim although I did change a few things a little to personalize it.
Anyway, when W picked me up from work we had a few errands to run, so we got to have a nice, private convo, and she said she'd read the email, and it was also a positive thing... she GOT that I was wanting to be loving, and wanting to be closer to her, and in the course of this discussion I think we also made a beginning at addressing some VERY old issues around LM and initiating... and bottom line, she said she wants ME to "be in the driver's seat" for a while. So I'm really starting to hope, now, that we might be in the very early stages of a real breakthrough here. Looks like we'll ML tonight, and perhaps with a new level of understanding, communication and appreciation! We'll see!!
It does sound like progress Tim. I'm crossing my fingers for you tonight
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
