Well, the past month has been rather discouraging to say the least, with lots of non-R stuff to deal with, and most evenings even I was too tired for anything other than sleep. A minor fender-bender in a parking lot, and subsequent dealing with the insurance company (after trying to deal with the other party), plus S14 breaking up with his girlfriend of 18 months, plus lots of work issues, etc., etc., kept us very busy and unable to get to the "important stuff", but finally got through it all, happily resolved for the most part, and this past weekend the R again came to the front burner. Last night there were (FINALLY!) some more positive developments, as well. So I'm now feeling much more hopeful for the future, but of course this is tempered by past experience...
Saturday night as we were going to bed, again without any successful attempt to get anything going, I just said "Tomorrow night, we need some 'US' time." She agreed. Sunday evening came, and we watched a fun movie, which ended at 10:30, at which point we went to bed. However, it soon became evident that sleep was the only thing "on" for that night. As we were retiring, she said "Tomorrow night we'll go to bed early." You could have knocked me over with a feather. I stated my disappointment, and she explained that since we had gotten into watching the movie (on TV) at 9, and it ended at 10:30, she had assumed that I was more into the movie than getting together in bed. HUH!!! I really was disappointed, and said so, and as you can imagine, I was NOT a happy camper. Another epic 2 hour conversation ensued, during which I said (among other things) that this week, we would focus on finding a counselor, even if it were the expensive kind. No more EAP, I think, as we've tried that route with no decent results.
Anyway, as of yesterday I had what I thought was a good C in mind, a couple who were trained by Dr. Gottman and by Michelle, and worked as a couple as well. Sounded great, but tried to contact them today, and they seem to be gone - can't be contacted by phone or email. Oh, well...
However... last night was (F-I-N-A-L-L-Y!!!) a fantastic night for us. One thing I had said Sunday night was that I wanted W to be more of a willing participant, instead of letting me do all the work, and she must have heard me, because she covered that one in spades! No gory details, folks, but let me just say that we had a wonderful and loving time, both got satisfied, and went to sleep with smiles on our faces. Oh, and we kept the light on, at HER request! Bottom line (pun... sorry) is that I'm far more optimistic than I was last week.
Of course, I'm experienced enough to know that much work remains. Current plan:
1. Develop a list of local C's, and interview several by phone to determine their background and approach. Looking for someone who incorporates the work of at least MWD and/or Gottman, if not Schnarch. Determined to find someone who will work with us. Willing to put money where mouth is.
2. Already begun a review of the relevant literature, starting with Gottman.
3. Planning to work to incorporate NOP's scheduling idea, to keep the ball rolling, as it were.
4. Maintain a realistic attitude, but tending more towards optimistic/hopeful rather than pessimistic/hopeless. I just KNOW we have the makings of a truly GREAT marriage, and I am determined NOT to give up on it. With all the history we have together, if we can capitalize on it, we can really open up new worlds for each other. I will work tirelessly to convince her of this, and share that vision with her.
Hope to have lots of successes large and small to share in the coming weeks and months...
One thing I've noticed that my H and I do quite often, which is a HUGE mistake, is to wait too late in the evening for "US". We also get engrossed in movies, or our tv programs. Which is more important? Your R or something on tv? Pretty easy to answer isn't it? Programs can be recorded or paused (if you have tivo or something similar)....movies can be watched later (or whatever).
If we wait until we are finished watching our programs we are inevitably too tired and only interested in sleeping (especially my H) at that point. I think I now have him understanding (especially with our recent developments) that if we make time for "US" earlier (I'd say by 9pm) then we can both relax the rest of the evening happy campers...and we have enough energy to do what we want.
Of course....time has yet to tell if this will continue.
Quote: I think I now have him understanding (especially with our recent developments) that if we make time for "US" earlier (I'd say by 9pm) then we can both relax the rest of the evening happy campers...and we have enough energy to do what we want.
I hear you, and one thing that's definitely "in the plan" for us is to "camp out" in the bedroom more often instead of in front of the TV, but the "US" time, for now, has to be scheduled for AFTER 9:30 when S14 goes to bed, but 10:00 is definitely do-able (as last night showed...).
Of course the time is whatever fits your schedule. My H and I pretty much have to be in bed asleep by 10pm because of our work schedules....but at least for us, our S goes to bed very early since he's only 2.5
Say this is something that's been on my mind too. We had an absolutely rockin week last week. ML every day. Then this week, nuthin. It is confounding and disappointing but I think part of the problem is that we both pussyfoot around the Topic early in the evening and then finally drag ourselves to bed, where we may or may not stay awake for the final event. (well, I'M awake but you get what I'm saying)
How easy it would be if one of us were to say, the first time we think of it--which let's be honest, we both are--"should we head to bed and have some us time, or stay up and watch the movie, or both?"
IOW, communicate. Stop avoiding the Topic and hoping that we're on the same page.
I can guarantee that if I'd spoken up ANY of the last 6 or so nights, we'd have ML. I hate doing this and I know he does too, so here we are..going thru a drought. Seems stupid now that you talked about your own sitch.
My advice: Talk early and often.
Glad you had a good night; that makes everything seem much more do-able doesn't it!
FWIW, here's a list of questions I've developed to use in doing phone interviews of potential C's, to enhance my chance of finding a good one with real potential to help us. My experience has shown there are plenty of C's that offer nothing but "cheeseless tunnels" (I think I understand that reference now... does it have to do with rats in a maze?), and I also think I have a pretty good understanding of which approaches and philosophies offer the best promise. Since there are no real enforcable standards, at least around here, and I'm going to be putting up my hard-earned $$$, I will insist on ensuring that any therapy is based on good, hard scientific approach, not on opinion, "experience" or voodoo-pseudo-science. There are some very good and well-documented approaches now, many of which I've read in a fair bit of detail, so hopefully I'll be able to find a C with some serious creds. Here then, is the list, offered in the hope that others may find it useful. I'm also interested in additional suggestions from others who may have had success finding a good C. BTW, Question 6 is a "trick" question - it's meant to ferret out the C's who are biased towards divorce. The correct answer would be "I would never suggest that option - that decision is up to the couple themselves, no-one else could know if that's the best option." or something like that.
1. What is the main focus of your practice (i.e. what issue(s) do you most often deal with)?
2. What can you tell me about your approach and philosophy?
3. To what extent is your approach based on the works of: - Dr. John Gottman? - Michele Wiener-Davis? - David Schnarch?
4. What other authors/researchers have influenced your approach?
5. Please describe your process for getting to know new clients? How long does it last?
6. At what point would you consider counseling a couple that divorce may be the best option?
7. Do you have evening appointments available?
8. What are your fees?
I'll let you guys know how this works for me. I fully expect it may take a few weeks to find the right C. This should, at least, give me a fighting chance of finding someone with the "right stuff"...
It's hard for me because it seems counterproductive to what I'm hoping will transpire. It aint sexy. It's not all that attractive. It's so...clinical sounding to me.
Plus, my people pleasing H would *every time* say Oh whatever you want. Hmph.
However, our R would be in a healthier and happier place right this very moment if I had fought against that tendency to say nothing, so there ya go.
HP, Yeah, I know the intimate communication sounds so clinical and unsexy ect. To be honest, the WWME method also feels very awkward, but it is better than silence and trying to read minds. I think as you grow into it it will become more natural. Instead if you focus on the goal of attaining a soul-mate R through communication, I think it would look a lot more attractive. I think a lot of the reservation is fear of exposure, fear of our S not accepting our naked selves rather than the persona we put on, as well as the awkwardness of putting it out there. MrsGGB is also inclined to giving the whatever you want type answer, and that makes it hard to dig deeper, is frustrating and doesn't feel like fair disclosure. It isn't intimate communication until you get past that. Think of it this way, in order for it to feel like he is reading your mind, he first has to get to know your mind from the inside, not through the tiny window with all the window dressing meant to impress the rest of the world.
How'd he react to you doing the hypothetical questions to him? How about open questions where people pleasing answers won't work?
If you figure this one out, I'm all ears too. MrsGGB still isn't exactly eager to let me inside.
FWIW, on the subject of communication, perhaps the best approach is the direct approach. If s/he won't let you into her/his mind, consider letting her/him into yours. When I look back, it seems to me the best successes have happened when I've left no doubt as to my desires/intentions/wishes/thoughts/expectations/etc...
I think sometimes we shy away from directly stating what we want, in the fear that we'll get shot down. I know, I've often been the worst one for this. I remember a couple of years ago, even being afraid to broach the S subject at all, for fear of what might follow. Schnarch showed me the way on that one - I'm much less reticent now, and far more direct.
So... is this thread well and truly hijacked now???
