Well, the past month has been rather discouraging to say the least, with lots of non-R stuff to deal with, and most evenings even I was too tired for anything other than sleep. A minor fender-bender in a parking lot, and subsequent dealing with the insurance company (after trying to deal with the other party), plus S14 breaking up with his girlfriend of 18 months, plus lots of work issues, etc., etc., kept us very busy and unable to get to the "important stuff", but finally got through it all, happily resolved for the most part, and this past weekend the R again came to the front burner. Last night there were (FINALLY!) some more positive developments, as well. So I'm now feeling much more hopeful for the future, but of course this is tempered by past experience...
Saturday night as we were going to bed, again without any successful attempt to get anything going, I just said "Tomorrow night, we need some 'US' time." She agreed. Sunday evening came, and we watched a fun movie, which ended at 10:30, at which point we went to bed. However, it soon became evident that sleep was the only thing "on" for that night. As we were retiring, she said "Tomorrow night we'll go to bed early." You could have knocked me over with a feather. I stated my disappointment, and she explained that since we had gotten into watching the movie (on TV) at 9, and it ended at 10:30, she had assumed that I was more into the movie than getting together in bed. HUH!!! I really was disappointed, and said so, and as you can imagine, I was NOT a happy camper. Another epic 2 hour conversation ensued, during which I said (among other things) that this week, we would focus on finding a counselor, even if it were the expensive kind. No more EAP, I think, as we've tried that route with no decent results.
Anyway, as of yesterday I had what I thought was a good C in mind, a couple who were trained by Dr. Gottman and by Michelle, and worked as a couple as well. Sounded great, but tried to contact them today, and they seem to be gone - can't be contacted by phone or email. Oh, well...
However... last night was (F-I-N-A-L-L-Y!!!) a fantastic night for us. One thing I had said Sunday night was that I wanted W to be more of a willing participant, instead of letting me do all the work, and she must have heard me, because she covered that one in spades! No gory details, folks, but let me just say that we had a wonderful and loving time, both got satisfied, and went to sleep with smiles on our faces. Oh, and we kept the light on, at HER request! Bottom line (pun... sorry) is that I'm far more optimistic than I was last week.
Of course, I'm experienced enough to know that much work remains. Current plan:
1. Develop a list of local C's, and interview several by phone to determine their background and approach. Looking for someone who incorporates the work of at least MWD and/or Gottman, if not Schnarch. Determined to find someone who will work with us. Willing to put money where mouth is.
2. Already begun a review of the relevant literature, starting with Gottman.
3. Planning to work to incorporate NOP's scheduling idea, to keep the ball rolling, as it were.
4. Maintain a realistic attitude, but tending more towards optimistic/hopeful rather than pessimistic/hopeless. I just KNOW we have the makings of a truly GREAT marriage, and I am determined NOT to give up on it. With all the history we have together, if we can capitalize on it, we can really open up new worlds for each other. I will work tirelessly to convince her of this, and share that vision with her.
Hope to have lots of successes large and small to share in the coming weeks and months...
