My H is continuing to discuss things with me as I bring them up....without becoming defensive about it. I hadn't brought up what he'd done in a few days, but this weekend while we were in the kitchen I did. I've had a very tough time lately wrapping my mind around how he could lie to me for so long, and continue to do what he was, while we were paying for counseling for that issue......so I asked him about it. I told him that this is one of the issues I have right now with trusting him....it's not the only one, but it's a biggie. Basically....I told him I was having a very tough time reconciling how he could do that to me for years when we were going to counseling and spending money trying to "work on our marriage", with sex as one of the big issues.
His past behavior would have had an automatic defensive response to my asking this for the umpteenth time. He didn't take that stance with me though. He did tell me that he knew what he was doing was "wrong" and that at first he really didn't think he was doing anything hurtful, must looking at pictures....but the longer it went on the more he knew it would be. He didn't have all the answers for me at this time that I needed to hear, and maybe will never have ALL the answers to satisfy me....but he did tell me it was something he discussed with our MC in his individual session....and it's something we'll talk more about with her together.
I let it go at that point (cause we were all feeling puny this weekend and I didn't feel like getting into a long discussion). But, he knows this isn't just going away...he has a lot of work to do....and I have asked him to really try to figure out why he did what he did to us....because it truly was very nearly the end of us.
As far as affection goes, that's definitely still there on both sides. He's still being more blatantly sexual towards me...no not tearing up the sheets (puny remember...both of us), but he has been letting the guy out more that I knew was in him. His way of talking to me has changed....he no longer edits (unless our son is the room of course). He will say things to me that are more sexual, or fondle me in a more sexual manner....even make risque comments.
Personally, I'm glad it's not just gone to the hot n'heavy stuff constantly...because I would feel that was an act. Right now he needs to be building intimacy with me. Sure we'll ML when we feel like it, and so far we've managed 3x in a weeks time which I believe is a record for us, but right now I need to feel some real intimacy which has been lacking for so very long.
One observation for you all though. I've noticed that lately, since the A-Bomb dropped in the GEL household that when we do ML my H has absolutely no problem getting hard....non whatsoever, in fact it happens much quicker than it had in the past. I'm not sure what to attribute that to and I'm not going to spend much time trying to figure that out, doesn't really matter...but it's definitely a nice change.
We will be seeing our MC together in a couple of weeks...that session should be interesting. I feel like my H probably did open up to her quite a bit, because he feels safe with her....and noticed his eyes were quite red when he came home Wed night, so I'm pretty sure he cried at least once in her office....or on the way home. FWIW I do believe he is genuinely remorseful, does that excuse what he did...HECK NO.
One of the things I'm struggling with right now, well struggling may not be the correct work...more like it just feels wierd to me is this. I'm still SOOOOOO angry at the man, so very hurt still....but I still love him, I still want to touch him, to hold him, and to kiss him. The other day he was hugging me and I was hugging him back and I told him "it feels so wierd to want to hold you so close and beat you to death at the same time." He kind of looked at me puzzled for a second and then said "I deserve that."
